Alcoholics Anonymous
Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> I almost cut my hand off...
Post Info TOPIC: I almost cut my hand off...
LJ Looser


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 5
Date:
I almost cut my hand off...
Permalink  
 

Every so often I go on a drinking binge for a couple of months.  Every time before, I could quit when I really decided it was time.  But this time... I started in January and have been drinking heavily most of the time.  However, the last month or so, I had been trying to quit, but failing.


The other night, Tuesday, I got sooo drunk.  It wasn't the first time I couldn't remember what happened, though that was not the norm for me.  This night, however, was quite different.  The first thing I remember is being in the Emergency Room at the Hosp.  My memory fades in and out for the next few hours.  Apparently I decided I didn't want my right hand anymore.  I cut just above my wrist down to the bone.  The cut is on the back side of my wrist.  It's like I just put my right hand palm down on the counter and whacked my wrist/arm with a large, sharp knife.I have no idea why I did this.  I can't imagine what I could have been thinking to make me do such a thing.  The doctor who sewed me up said maybe I was wanting to cut off my hand so I wouldn't be able to drink.  He also said that it looked like it was done with a hatchet.  There was a knife out on my counter, but it wasn't bloody.  I'm really just assuming that the knife was the instrument I used.  But why wasn't it bloody?  I don't know.  Another thing is that I was expecting a perscription the next day that would make me throw up if I drank.  I felt sure that would do the trick & I would be able to quit. 


I don't know exactly why I'm writing all this... maybe just to tell someone.  I guess, also, I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar (sort of) experence.  I want sooo much to remember what was going through my mind that night.  What was I thinking?  Does anyone know of any way to remember black outs?  I was thinking of trying hypnotism.  Has anyone tried that?  If anyone has any answers, please let me know.


Also, just any feedback, any comments, any understanding at all would really be helpful as I try to deal with and understand this.


By the way, I haven't had a drink since.  I don't think I'll even need the pills to make me sick.  (Although, I'm not taking any chances... I'll get them and have them available just in case!)  My hand hurts so much now that the idea of having a drink not only makes me feel sick to my stomach, but also makes my whole arm (and head) throb in pain.


I just can't believe I cut myself so deep.  I severed two tendons and partially cut others, and I nicked the bone.  This whole thing just blows my mind.


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 


 



__________________
lisa jo
Cabbageheadchris


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 483
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hi LJ. I'm Chris and I'm an alcoholic from the UK.


First things first: As your well aware, it's not good to cut your hand off. I'm assuming that you don't want this to happen again. Get rid of all sharp objects in the house, it will make life a bit difficult but then again so will not having a hand.


Blackouts..... well I think most of us here will have had them many times and probably havn't had much luck at remembering what happened. I normally found out when people told me the embarrasing stories from the night before!


I would seriously reccomend speaking to your doctor regarding this. Self harm isn't good for you and councelling may help. 


AA meetings help a lot of people. Your nearest AA group will be listed in your local phone book.


You've done well by staying sober since last tuesday. Regarding the pills that make you sick: are you talking about Antabuse ( http://www.healthyplace.com/medications/disulfiram.htm )


Phil would be able to give you more info.


 


Keep coming back and let us know how your getting on


Best wishes


 


Chris.



__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
zoomie


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 218
Date:
Permalink  
 

How horrible for you!  Chris gave some good advice above.  I had a sponcee that when I went to his house he was fine,but after I left he stabbed himself in the chest because he just did not want to drink any more.  The hosptial kept him for a week.  I'm surpirsed they let you out.  Sounds like you need a good rehab or good medical care along with AA. 



__________________
Phil


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 888
Date:
Permalink  
 

morning...Recovering alky from Canada...


not very knowledgable ....on anything... here...can only share experience with yu...


antibuse...?  Have used it...didnt stop me from drinkin....wound up in emerg. a couple of times...with the heart racing, out of control..


Blackouts? yup..had lots of them...and cant recall anything...even to this day...scary stuff..


self destruction?  tried the suicide thing a couple of times...


Insanity...covers a lot of ground...


Quit on my own..a few times too...but couldnt stay quit on my own..


Got into AA..where others could understand...and had been along the same roads..strength in numbers..


Started going to AA meetings..every night of the week...and started getting better...


Also..we learn how to arrest this disease of alcoholism...by not picking up a drink...just for today...and learn how to live without booze..


We have 12 steps that are strongly suggested...as a program of recovery..and it works..if we work it..


Hope you join us Bud...


 



__________________
Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
amanda2u2


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 1349
Date:
Permalink  
 

I know a few people who drank while taking antabuse and haad to go to the ER cuz they got sick.  So antabuse doesn't make people stop drinking who really want to. Hiding the knives won't stop a person from being self-destructive either. It is not that you knew what you were doing and then forgot so that you could remember again. It is that your brain was seriously not functioning and there is no memory to get back.


I agree with zoomie that I'm surprised they let you out after that,,, and what I would do,,, though we can't tell you what to do,,,  is to find some professionals to help me at this point. To find out who and where they are you can call your local hospital and ask, or you can go to an AA meeting and ask there, as they will know from having been there themselves.  Sometimes we can't do it alone,, and sometimes a bunch of alkies in a support group are not enough and have to know when to refer you to professionals for help. One of the times to make a referral is when a person is in danger of hurting themselves. We don't want any more deaths.


God bless you,


amanda



__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
trudi


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 88
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hi I am Trudi and a recoverying alcoholic. I really feel for you I have never hurt myself that bad but had loads of blackouts and ended up in places I did not want to be! I have had antabuse and I just drank on it and was really sick then stopped taking it. It has taken me a long time and pleanty of 'relapses' but today I am sober and life is slowly getting better. Its so easy 'just dont drink' but its also so hard! this is a cunning baffling and powerful illness which fills the sufferer with guilt, shame, remorse and total lack of self esteem. I wish you all the best and recommend getting stuck into AA if you can. Lots of love and best wishes Trudi. 

__________________
rosie light shines


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 578
Date:
Permalink  
 

lisa  that took GUTS to be able to share this..........i am concerned for u 2, like  chris said.......


do u have a good sponser???  therapist????   i think chris is right,  a talk w/ the doctor, i know there are things , even if u r financially  "tapped"  , that u can do to get some help.......


i am so glad u didn't cut ur hand off......i too would get rid of all the knives  anything that could harm u.......


i used to beat myself, and cuss myself , so i understand how u are feeling now.....i hated me that bad...wanted to destroy the sick creature i was......


just keep talking to us, PLEEEEEZE  keep posting....noone is going to judge u, i promise.......we CARE.....ok??????    wow, that took courage   AND SOME self love for U to come to us about it.....so SOMETHING inside of U wants to help U.......peace/ rosie



__________________
amanda2u2


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 1349
Date:
Permalink  
 

I used to 'hide' my cigarettes on myself when I wanted to quit. The problem with that is that I knew where I put them, so they weren't really 'hidden' at all!  They are only in a place that may be a little more inconvenient.  So, if one really wants something to be inaccessible, one has to either give them to someone to hold out of the house,,, or give them away entirely,,, but as long as one has them in the house and knows where they are they are accessible. And if one is trying to get rid of anything that one could harm themselves with,,, then have to get rid of all 'sharps' , including scissors, razors and stuff like that.  Sometimes it is better for the person to be somewhere where they really don't have access to things that they can harms themselves with,,, and where there are people to help them to get over the crisis. I have gone through periods of being self destructive and needed help. There is nothing wrong with needing help.


God bless you all,


amanda



__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
LJ Looser


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 5
Date:
Permalink  
 

Thank you all for your responses and support.  I go to the Dr. tomorrow to get my stitches out and I'm scared to death!  It's going to hurt!  Even more than it does now! 


I have been living in my parent's guest house with my two children, and now we're staying inside.  So hiding or removing all sharp objects is not an option.  Even if I could, I don't think I would.  This is not something that will ever happen again.  In fact, drinking at all is not likely to ever happen again.  My drinking binges have always been few and far between.  This is the first time I had a hard time stopping.  I'm sure this event has been devastating enough to me and my family that I will have the strength to stop.  If I should even start to think about wanting a drink again, then I'll reevaluate my strength/ability to stop. 


I have been seeing a counselor, but I am not happy with her.  I have seen counselors and/or shrinks forever... since I was 16 and my big sister was murdered.  I'm 44 now, so that's been a long time!  I have been on and off anti-depressants that long as well.  Since I don't really like my counselor, and I just recently moved here (hick town Oregon from S. California) and I'm on public health care, I don't have many places to go just to talk.  (Or type, which in my current situation is very difficult with just my left hand!)  I am considering looking into an AA group nearby, but I am very uncomfortable with that.  There is also a mental health "clubhouse" in town that I'm thinking about.  I guess I'm more used to being a basket case than a drunk! 


The truth is, I don't really think AA is the place for me.  So why did I come here to talk?  I don't know, but that I did is why I'm considering AA more than I would have otherwise.  When I think about my drinking habits, it doesn't seem to me that AA is right.  I mean, I haven't been drinking for years or anything.  And as I said before, until this time, I could always quit when I wanted to.  Granted, it wasn't without effort, but I still could quit. 


I'm writing all this because I'm hoping for feedback.  Hurting myself is not new to me, however never anything like this.  In fact before this, it was mild enough that no one knew that I ever did any more than just punch walls.  But most importantly, I usually wasn't drunk or drinking when I did things to myself.  So there you have it.  Should I go to AA?  Am I an alcoholic?  Problems, I know I have... but now what?


Once again, I deeply thank each of you for your responses to my previous post.  It means a lot to me.  Now I'm asking again for your thoughts, feelings, answers, anything.


Thank you,


Lisa jo



__________________
lisa jo
Wren


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 200
Date:
Permalink  
 

Hey Lisa, Nobody can determine whether you are an alcoholic but you. For me, it was pretty clear. But I, too, was in enough inner turmoil that I was a cutter. I didn't know how else to externalize the inner pain. The people here? That's the kind of people you'll meet at meetings. Listen to their stories, see what you can relate to, but give it a chance. Being self-destructive can be an issue with or without alcohol, so I don't have an answer for that; therapy is good when you have the right therapist. Just try a meeting. I'd stay away from alcohol regardless, since we often act out with less inhibition when under the influence. Oregon is nice, I'm up in Washington. From Cali. Started out in O.C. and in '64 moved up to a town called Paradise. Back then it was a really really small town. Anywho, check out your options, it can't hurt. Write and let us know, Blessings Wren

__________________
Funny, isn't it, how friends and a Power greater than ourselves can neutralize nightmares?
soberdrunk


MIP Old Timer

Status: Offline
Posts: 819
Date:
Permalink  
 

Being an alcoholic really has nothing to do with how much or how often you drink. It's all about what happens when you drink. Just a thought. AA has been a blessing in my life. I also am a basket case, take meds and all. For some reason though, since I've been going to meetings my depression and anxiety have lessoned. I know it's because I'm staying sober and getting help at these meetings. The decision is up to you!!! Meetings won't kill ya!!! They only make you stronger. Hope this helps. Take care

__________________
Justin S.
LJ Looser


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 5
Date:
Permalink  
 

Thanks for your feedback.  It helps to hear about others who are self destructive and basket cases!  Logically, I know I'm not the only one like this, but it really does help to hear others stories.  Because of all the help and caring I got from both my posts, as well as my understanding that hearing others' stories helps, I've decided to find an AA meeting to attend locally.  I'm hoping to get help at the Alcohol & Drug Therapy Center as well, since I'm not interested in seeing my current counselor any longer. 


As for here, I plan on continuing to come to this site, as everyone has been so kind and helpful.  I think, though, I may spend more time reading other peoples posts.  Time for me to listen more than talk!  Besides, it takes me forever to type with only my left hand! 


Thanks,


Lisa jo



__________________
lisa jo
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> Alcoholics Anonymous -> I almost cut my hand off...