well i am entering the 60th year and its still hell
i made an honest mistake at work, (told the truth to a guy, when the salesmen was not so honest---long story)
but anyway, i am facing job loss.....the beat goes on for me....one thing after anohter BUT_________
i have learned with this program to "take it better" i can "detach" from the sorry assed things that keep happening to me......i have a better relationship with me , for sure, with higher power??? well , right now, in the face of this "latest blessing" the jury is out...
i have always felt that God does NOT interfer in our lives, but we have a part of the "source" inside of us......
i am now looking deep within for my "god within" to help me stay level, as i try to prepare for almost certain job loss at age 60 almost.....
i have been on line, looking at possible programs for folks 55 plus, not much, but whatever i can do to take care of me i am
my boss told me today if we lost this job, that i blurted out the truth on, we are closing our doors......
i'll take a month of rest and brushing up on my ms excel/ word and rest and than "start over again"...
i think my karma is gonna be hard till i die, but at least i can detach and take better care of me
actually i am very surprised at myself, i am not beating me up over this honest but costly mistake.....it happened....i owned it....i attempted to make amends to the salesman i screwed up.......and than i forgave myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and trying to do the best i could........
i coulld sit and piss and moan about my sorry luck, but whats the point???? it is a total waste of energy......
what am i gonna do???? i am going to look into deals i can work with my cable company...the internet.....whatever i can do to help me......i bought some unemployment insurance, which will, for 3 months, give me $500 xtra per month......whatever i can do to help me....i also bought insurance on my mortgage so if the crap really htis the fan, i can activate my policy and get my mortgage paid for a year....thats it though, its a one time up to 12 months deal, but its there..and if i need it i can activate it.....
now i have done all i can do to help me......
whatever is going to happen is going to happen, i am powerless
i went to a face to face AA meet cuz i was tempted to go out and get drunk....went to a meet instead and got some hugs......
there are times when i just can't deal with life and the temptation to get plastered really was strong.....i figured a meet would serve me better.....it did take my mind of my latest "heaven sent blessing"
so i guess, this weekend i am going to detach from my troubles that keep happening and try to indulge in me.....first on my list is a hot bath.....than a big thing of popcorn and some good dvd's..........and maybe a wine cooler to go with my popcorn.......
today i can pay my bills......if we close our doors, iam going to feel bad.....this is the neatest little job i ever had, with the greatest boss....i wanted to work there till i dropped, and it looks like it isn't going to happen....
i would be lying if i said i wasn't pissed of at God , life, circumstances, and i am going to allow my feelings.....
wheni am done with the feelngs, i am gonna get on the phone and get some comfort, and maybe another meet over the weekend.......
i am getting REAL tired of bouncing back from the punches......
i mean how MANY times can one small human being bounce back??????
i feel not just sad for me, but for the other employess that got impacted by this....
the company has been in trouble for a while....and we DESPERATELY needed this job that i $%$%ed up.........i know my one single goof did not do the "coup de gras" but like i think it is the last straw for my bosss.........she said, she's hanging it up if this goes down......
sorry to ramble....just needed to get some feelings out.......i am angry......i am tired of life hammering me.......i am going to take a warm bath and do SOMETHING to please me.....
Sounds like a good day to work on step 2. I am trying to change my pessimistic ways and these steps are helping me along with meeting after meeting to get my reality check. Stuff happens on a daily basis, it's how I choose to react to it.
Tonights meeting was on step 9 and this one guy was talking about his financial amends that he'd made and we all got to laughing. I can laugh about it now but I will be crying about it later!!! Learning to live life sober is often scary, painful, and overall just a very uncomfortable experience but I realize that it's necessary.
well i don't have any wine in the house, so the "wine cooler" is just a fantasy.....its popcorn and a ton of greasy fried delicious, home made onion rings....
tempted to go to market to get some wine, but i'll call sponser instead....when she gets off line with a new sponsee ..she told me she knew i was in strife and would be off soon.....i'll talk with her for an hour or so and get myself level....
i dont' want the devil to win any more than he already has .........
I really believe that everything is going to work out for the best. And I still don't think you did anything wrong. Just take it a moment at a time, and let it unfold,,, not just halfway but allll the way. I just really think it is going to be alright, ultimately. What if the guy does make a deal,, and maybe partly because he respects your honesty?
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
