The new job went well. Lots of paper signing and video watching along with some tests. Passed the tests with flying colors. Reading and comprehension is still easy for me. I guess my brain still works when it comes to certain things!!! The real work starts tomorrow. Hands on.
After all that I've been through I'm surprised that I'm even employed. It's kind of scary when things come too easy. Damn success........
I was talking at a meeting last night(CA)
I told everyone there about my greatest accomplishment in my active addiction. About nine years ago I was really strung out on coke when I discovered heroin. Suddenly I didn't have a coke problem!!! I thought that was really a big deal back then. How disillusioned I was. Wow! Everyone laughed. it's nice to be able to laugh today.
A couple of days ago my brother asked me what my long term goals were. I didn't know what to say. Ummmm.......long term??? I blurted out that I'd like to get my license back and something else. I mean that is a goal but I couldn't care less about that right now. I remember when I used to drive how my car would just go on auto-pilot and take me to places where most normal people would never go. I'm not at a point in my sobriety where I feel safe near a car by myself. I used to get drunk and steal cars with no remorse. It would be great to go to different meetings and see old sober friends but that will happen when it happens.
I'm in a really good mood today, despite the message board acting up on me. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..... I'm just enjoying the day, listening to some Billy Joel.
I talked to my sponsor for a while last night before the meeting started. Went over step one and two. I feel like I've got step one down but I still struggle with step two. My sponsor pointed out in the big book and the 12&12 that all I need to do is have an open mind and be willing. I can do that. In the book it says that one guy got sober but failed to enlarge his spiritual life and relapsed. This is a spiritual program. I want to enlarge my spiritual life and I'm definitely willing to take direction.
Last week I was in such a mood after reading We Agnostics. I spoke up at a meeting. I said "the last few paragraphs in we agnostics talks about this guy. He is a non-believer and after a talk with someone in the program he sits down and asks himself, Who am I to say there is no God? Hits his knees and the trumpets blast, the light shines down from heaven and life is just so fucking wonderful."
What an ass I was. The book doesn't say what I said. That's just the way I interpreted it. I kind of offended one guy. I just got so pissed because I've never experienced anything like that and the program has been such a struggle for me. I guess I have some resentment towards the Big Guy. I guess that will get worked out in time.
I wasn't planning on writing this much. Guess I had a lot on my mind. I feel grateful today. This MIP Forum and you people are truly wonderful.
Thank you for that great share! Really looks like progress is being made all around there. I used to be very angry at God. He understood,,, I didn't. Step 2 says, "as we understood Him",,, because our understanding is constantly changing. Whether we already have some kind of belief in some kind of Higher Power, or whether we don't at all, being open to, receptive to learning and changing our ideas as Truth is revealed to us is important. I already had some belief,,, I thought God was kind of sadistic and impersonal,,, like a Judge up there... being open to learning, I learned that God is loving and merciful and close.. this has been over time, and I am still learning.
It sounds like you have a good sponsor, eh? And it sounds like you are being pretty honest in your inventory of yourself. Accepting the truth is the first step in really dealing with things.
Thanks again,
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
hey dude look up the 'explanation of spiritual experience' in the appendix of the BB. I remember coming in, not believing in God AT ALL, and wondering just when the hell am i gonna see that angel or ghost or flying cow that would completely prove and assure me beyond doubt that there was a god. What ive found is that the more i TRY to believe in god and maintain a state of mindfulness, then the more comfortable i feel within my relationship with him/her/it. Besides to me the closest ive ever had to a real defineable 'spiritual experience' was after getting one month sober and realizing that the only thing i was doing different was praying. give it a try man, im proof that god can come even to the smartest, stubbornest, most atheistic jackasses of anyone.
(strictly as a sidenote: Billy Joel kicks ass. i think hes alcoholic just listen to his lyrics)
It's 4:30 in the morning. I don't have to go into work until 6. I'm waking up extra early to have a quiet time and do my readings. I'm doing this so I can have my head on straight and to avoid getting in my head before God can!!! That's a sure way to ruin my day! Thanks for the comments. I have been praying and I can't say that it's not helping so I'm going to keep on keeping on.
By the way, there is a distinct echo in this room(message board) this early in the morning, no one else here at the moment!!!!
I'm gonna shut up now and catch up on the board. Good day to everyone....
