Some thoughts to share... am at work and need to reach out.. no-one availalbe right now
I always found it very hard in the early days of sobriety to face life and my fears without the numbing oblivion of alcohol. Even though at the end it was doing nothing for me anymore, the fear of facing the consequences brought about in my life my years of excessive drinking brought me back time and again to the very thing that caused these problems in the first place... the bottle.
I am having a hard time again in this first couple of weeks of new sobriety just dealing with the crap I have made of my life and the awful dread of “what on earth is going to happen?” that I am asking myself with scared, newly sober thoughts.
I lost nearly all through drinking. I walked out of a marriage, left my children behind, went through a succession of co-dependent relationships, lost all my friends, alienated my family. Acted like a lunatic so many times. Calling people up at night and saying hurtful things. Living in a succession of dives with various falt mates etc. Got myself into awful financial difficulty. I have legal proceedings pending. I lost my car when I could not afford to get it repaired, preferring instead to spend the repair money on alcohol. I am finding it nearly impossible to concentrate in work, have so much fear of the future and regret about the past.
I feel I am in a horrible situation which I have to face... all these consequences to face.
I have nothing left in life. No friends... an estranged family... all this financial crap to face... plus I am living, at 38 years of age... in a room, in a grotty house with faceless people.
I dream every night of an impending doom.
It is very hard to face the fact that my life is a complete misery... and look at it with sober eyes.
Scares me senseless. Can anyone relate to this?
I feel worse at the moment like something incredibly bad is going to happen
I was 'in the same boat'. Step 1 was easy - my life had become unmanageable... but that is very frightening. What made the big difference to me is Step 2 - 'came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity'. Then I struggled with Step 3 for a bit - 'turned my life and will over to the care of God as I understood Him'. then went on with the Steps. Miracles do happen. If you can do those first 3 Steps.... and then just go moment by moment. I was going second by second. I just said.. 'I can get through this one second' with my Higher Power. And keep repeating that till the day is done. some people say a morning prayer 'please', and an evening prayer 'thank you'.
Do your best and God does the rest.
love in recovery,
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
I can relate alot to the feelings you have expressed. Just last night at my meeting I was talking about how hard it is to take life one day at a time. It's so easy to get caught up in the yesterdays and tomorrows. I have been going to meetings daily and working with my sponsor to keep my head on straight. When life gets tough AA is there for me. I've been doing alot of reading too. That helps to get my mind out of the chaos. I don't know about your work situation but if you can try calling someone in the program and be honest with them about what you are going through. Hope this helps. Take care my friend.
I can feel that pain, and remember that Pain that you are in, Impending Doom, just hold on to the Program with all you have you and slowly things will change. Just as Amanda and Phil wrote, I have also been exactly where you are. today.
Had a little 24 hour Book, that I would read before I even got up out of bed, It was so comforting, read it over and over, it has a thought, meditation and Prayer for the day, everyday of the year. When my fears would build, I would go find a Private place and take out that little book and reread, over a few times. It had a way of somehow overriding the fear, many times. That little book had Truth in it, my brain was so scrambled, I did not trust any of my thoughts. My brain was just so toxic from Alcohol, and so were my thoughts. Detoxing, is not fun, and can be so rough.
I recall my first year in Recovery, after Relapsing so many times, I lost track of the number of times. i was frozen in Fear, the whole year, Biggest fear was that I would drink. Didnot know where i was going to be living, did make it back to California from Seattle, lived with a very crazy lady,in Seattle, rented a room in her house. had to get the heck out of that envirornment, she didnot drink, but even today think she was so so weird. Did manage to drive my own car away to home area in California, from her crazy house. That was a big step for me.
But as Amanda has recommended, go to a meeting everyday, more than one, if you can, that is where you will find some sense of Relief, and Just staying on the 1st step, and looking at the 2nd and 3rd. That is exactly how I made it through.
My Prayers are with you dear, and really feel for the Pain you are in. Posting to this Board, along with the Meetings, might at least make you feel not so alone.
A Big Hug, and one day at a time, everything will be o.k. Just try to get as Close to this Program, as you can, with rooms full of People that understand your difficulties and can be there for you.
Your New Friend, Toni Look forward to hearing from you again.
THE PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
At one of the AA meetings I go to regular there is a topic list at the back of the meeting reading note book. One of the topics is "Clearing ourself from the wreckage of our FUTURE"
When we use the experiences of yeterdays, or yesteryears as a measuring stick for what is in front of us on the road of recovery we can create as much wreckage in our future, (between our ears, in our minds eye) as we see and feel in our past, and thus we get stuck... surely not wanting to go backwards, but absolutely in fear of moving forward.
Yes, it does get better, but first it gets different... only when we learn how to live inside the frame work of the different, successfully without taking a drink, does it feel better.
If my history was a reflection of my future, I would not have ever shown up for living, loving and laughing.. instead I would have remained a ghost in my own life.
