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Post Info TOPIC: Expectations


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Expectations
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Good morning to everyone...or good afternoon, depending on where you are!


I have been having trouble with this letting go of expectations.


I am struggling with this daily at home and at work...


Here are my thoughts.


Isn't it natural to expect someone to do what they say they will?  It seems to me that when I am told that something is going to happen or change, especially at work, that it is ok to expect that to happen....My sponsor tells me not to expect it to though........It is so hard for me to do that!


Of course when that something doesn't happen then I feel let down and frustrated and I think-Is it too much to ask that people follow through with what they say?  After all it was not my idea or my pushing something...it was their idea and they should do it!!  Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.


Any ideas or suggestions on this would be helpful.


Thanks to all of you for being here!


Jen



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Jen"iffer"


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hi there, I dont really like to tell people what to do as I am not usually right, all  I can say is i try to keep as close to page 86-87 as I can.


as per aother post I put:


In thinking about our day we may face indecision.
We may not be able to determine which course to take.
Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought
or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't
struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers
come after we have tried this for a while.


it is not always as easy to do this as it looks



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 Hi Iffer....I posted this a number of days ago...Theres a lot of food for thought in it....hope it helps...
 

The Truth About
Relationship Expectations

Larry James










Blaming others for the pain we feel each time someone fails to live up to our expectations is no different than burning our tongue on coffee that's too hot to swallow, and then calling our cup an idiot! - Guy Finley

Unfulfilled expectations always cause problems.

Having expectations in our culture is expected. We are brought up that way. Having great expectations sounds great however when the expectation is unfulfilled, we bitch, we moan, we become disappointed. That is a problem for most people.

For example, if I expect you to love me a certain way and your love doesn't show up that way for me, I will most likely be disappointed. A better way might be to strive to get the need of being loved fulfilled by allowing your love partner to love you the way they love you. Your need to be loved a certain way is not a healthy need, it is only and always an unrealistic expectation.

Another disappointing thing about expectations is that they often do not come true. One love partner knows the expectation. The other love partner doesn't know the expectation of the other. Expectations are in the eye of the beholder. Can you see the problem?

Needs must be communicated. Expectations are rarely ever communicated. Needs can be cussed and discussed. You must give careful thought to what needs must be fulfilled for you to know you have a healthy love relationship.

"Expect the best," is certainly a better attitude than the alternative. Some say, "If you always expect the best for your relationship, everything will work out better." This is a myth. It will work out the way it works out and you will be disappointed because it didn't work out the way you expected it to. You don't always get what you expect.

We often expect our  partner to make the best choices for themselves and our relationship and when they are not our choices, we often get angry or disappointed. . . or both. Most people call this situation a problem: a problem we create by our expectations.

Try this: "No expectations, fewer disappointments!" It's that simple. Not easy. Simple.

By considering a new point of view, by changing our thinking about expectations, we open ourselves up to whatever good the 'us' of the committed you and me may be working on together at the time. Since we are detached from the way things need to work out, we may be surprised by the result. Even when we imagine the very best, we are often surprised, because if there were shades of doubt present in our imaginings, things may turn out better than we imagined. . . or worse.

Once we learn to identify our own individual, healthy needs, we must also learn not to be attached to the expectation of how those needs get fulfilled. This will always generate lots of surprises. That is when the adventure begins; the adventure the heart was crying for. Surprises create a sense of adventure; surprises you can enjoy together; surprises that create new and exciting possibilities for the two of you to experience.

Some of the surprises may show up as challenges for the relationship. They bring couples together and give them something to share. When two people really love each other and are committed to work together, those kind of surprises create the kind of conversation that empowers both love partners to continue to self-inquire, to investigate their curiosities about what they can do to stand together, to be challenged by the surprise and know that everything is going to be okay.

Problems are not to break us. Working together on problems makes us stong.

While there is something to be said about "expecting the best," we must remember that disappointment comes from unfulfilled expectations. This does not mean that when your expectations do not get met, that the results are always bad. It only means that if your expectations don't get met. Disappointment usually follows.

By thinking in terms of needs instead of expectations, we create vulnerability. Having needs with no expectations about how they will be fulfilled causes us to feel vulnerable. We have more to lose because now we know what we want. The outcome is less predictable. There is some risk involved. And we have a responsibility for getting our needs met.

Never give yourself away in the relationship. By "give yourself away," I mean making sacrifices that conflict with what you need from the relationship. Never sacrifice your own personal integrity with regard to getting your needs met. The healthier image you have of yourself, the less likely this will occur.

There is a difference between duty and responsibility. When duty does not meet our needs, it is something to be avoided. For example, if there are children in the relationship you have a responsibility to take care of them. When it feels like duty, you have a responsibility to take care of your need to not have it feel like duty.

We all experience the need to have healthy choices exercised and when they don't show up in our relationship, we either choose to have conversations about them or not. If the choices are abusive and therefore unacceptable, we begin to think about making a responsible choice to leave the relationship. However, always picking our lover apart because their choices are not the ones we would make can only point the relationship in the wrong direction.

If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can, regardless of whether their choices are our choices, our attitude about our relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become the relationship we enjoy being in.

We must learn to distinguish between expectations and needs. Everyone has a need to be loved, to be understood, to be accepted and to be forgiven when necessary. For us to have expectations about how those needs get fulfilled can only cause disappointment.

The number one problem in relationships is undelivered communication. It's the things we don't communicate because the last time we did, it caused a confrontation, argument, anger, frustration and we want to avoid these feelings so we stuff them. The next thing you know is, your partner didn't take out the garbage and you want a divorce and it's not about the garbage.

In my opinion, the number two problem in relationships revolves around unfulfilled expectations.

So, how do you sidestep the disappointment that always comes from unfulfilled expectations? Who wins the "expectations versus needs" dilemma? Needs, of course! You focus on your needs and make a commitment to never have any undelivered communication about them. Talk about what you need with your partner. Express your needs with love.

Unfulfilled expectations always cause problems.

We often call things that happen that cause disappointment, problems. To avoid disappointment or problems. . . as best you can, have no expectations, good or bad. When you have expectations there are never any surprises because the outcome is almost always predictable.

Disappointment follows unfulfilled expectations. The predicaments that follow are predictable. If your relationship is not full of surprises, it is most likely very boring and may border on being unhealthy. Having healthy needs is a natural and creative attitude to embrace.

It is important to allow your  partner the freedom to fulfill your needs in their own best way.

What you can be with in life lets you be!

When you know what you need from your relationship and can express those needs to your partner and be okay with allowing them to love you the way they can love you, you will see a shift in your relationship that goes far beyond what you ever could have imagined!



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MIP Old Timer

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You might find some answers on Pg. 420 in the book. I'm sure this has probably been pointed out to ya. Hope it makes things clearer. Have a good day.



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Justin S.


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Just wanted to share Iffer..that weve likely all been there....I know I have...


Ive had others say to me...in the past...We are going to do this..nomatter what...Committments...


The going gets rough...? They quit...and give up...


Theres a saying..."If one keeps doing the same things..in the same way..over and over again..they are going to get the same results" 


Some dont realize...that if they do things in a different manner..in a different way...that they might get the right results..


I have a habit of beleiving what others say to me...re expectations..and goals...especially where 2 or more people are involved..and look at the top of that mountain...and know whatever it is..can be acheived..Call me an optimist and a Doer... 


But people let us down...they are human...and they are allowed to be where..they are at..without blame...and judging...


I try to keep my expectations of others at a low point today...and live and let live..and just accept them with love..and compassion...just the way they are..


I also have people...around work related issues..that let me down also...Let go and let god...and love em anyway...


We just do our best for us...thats all we can do...and carry on..doing what we can for others...from our hearts..asking nothing in return..


You have a good day...


 


 


 



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Hi Jennifer,


Well this is new, I admit, but I am going through this stuff, redoing, redecorating how I look at some things.  As far as the Loving stuff, I have been NOT looking any longer at how someone is treating me, but rather, How am I doing in the Loving part, am I being Loving, without expectation. Letting go completely of the question of how does this person make me feel, but rather how am I doing in the area of being an honest, and caring human being. Do I make this person feel cared about.


I think it was in an Alanon article, that I read a long time ago, that really Stuck with me, it was about communication.


It said, if you stay with the I see, I feel, I want,  it can clear up communications really fast. If the statement starts with "You......whatever, the person goes on the Defensive automically, it helped me a lot, in how I see others too.


If I have an expectation of how I want, or what I want from this person, it also can be felt by the other person, once again putting them on the defensive.


If my focus is on keeping my word on something, then that is where the energy goes, I need to remember to do that, always, and let others just do what they are going to do.


Just my two cents, this morning,


have a great day.


Toni



 

-- Edited by Toni Baloney at 12:03, 2006-04-11

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Well,,  I guess it depends on what we mean by 'expectation' , for one.  I mean I do expect to be treated with respect now,,, and I expect my friends, coworkers to hold up their end of obligations.  Now... the word 'expect' comes from the Latin and the root is to 'hope' or to 'wait'.  so I do hope for these things. but the truth is that I am constantly disappointed. And I know that we can't say that we always carry through either. There are various reasons why we don't do what we are supposed to do. Sometimes some people just don't care and they say that they are going to do things they never really intend to do..  just words. some people mean it at the time, but then they follow their noses and their noses lead somewhere else. some people procrastinate, make excuses to avoid their reponsibilities, etc.  but sometimes there are other reasons,,,  I got sick,  I got in a crunch with too manh things and some urgent,,, but then I do try to give notice and cancel,,  maybe I don'[t have the resources to do it,,, maybe I got mixed up somehow, and maybe I tried and made a mess.  I have more patience with the last kind of reasons that people let me down than the first.  So, yeah,,, idealy people should do what they're supposed to do,,,, but this is not an ideal world, so lots of things mess up,,, and we have to be able to adjust and deal with those failures.


love in recovery,


amanda



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Thanks to everyone for your responses.  Lots of changes in my thinking and behavior that come with sobriety.  It is a challenge to change those things which I have done or thought for so many years....


I will continue to work on this..progress not perfection right?


Thanks again!


Jen



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Jen"iffer"


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Sure. These days, though, I'm starting to really get it that these are good chances to try forgiveness. It's the only thing that works every time for me. -paul

Forgiveness…


 


       “For too long, every ounce of forgiveness I owned was locked away, hidden from view, waiting for me to bestow its precious presence upon some worthy person.  Alas, I found most people to be singularly unworthy of my valuable forgiveness, and since they never asked for any, I kept it all for myself.  Now, the forgiveness that I hoarded has spouted inside my heart like a crippled seed yielding bitter fruit.


 


No more!  At this moment, my life has taken on new hope and assurance.  Of all the world’s population, I am one of the few possessors of the secret to dissipating anger and resentment.  I now understand that forgiveness has value only when it is given away.  By the simple act of granting forgiveness, I release the demons of the past about which I can do nothing, and I create in myself a new heart, a new beginning.


 


I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit.  I will forgive even those who do not ask for forgiveness.


 


Many are the times when I have seethed in anger at a word or deed thrown into my life by an unthinking or uncaring person.  I have wasted valuable hours imagining revenge or confrontation.  Now I see the truth revealed about this psychological rock inside my shoe.  The rage I nurture is often one-sided, for my offender seldom gives thought to his offense!


 


I will now and forevermore silently offer my forgiveness even to those who do not see that they need it.   By the act of forgiving, I am no longer consumed by unproductive thoughts.  I give up my bitterness.  I am content in my soul and effective again with my fellowman.


 

I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit...  --Abraham Lincoln

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