***This post has ended up really long.. oh well you dont have to read all of it***
Well now i have 5 days..
Probably going fishing tomorrow.. Got some maggots and worms today.. mixed up some groundbait tonight.. not had much experience with that so hope that works out..
Bin abit of a wierd day.. got some stuff done though.. been real edgy, figity and stroppy today.. Think it was cos stuff i had to do and i just went abit too quickly..
I almost broke my printer cos i thought it was knackerd!.. but it was just a bloody pen that had fallen into it.. gees i felt like smashing it up.. and think i might have if it hadnt have worked.. well not smashed as such.. but i think i might have .. er rendered it out of action.. lol
Went to bed for an hour and felt alot better after that.. .. ffs though didnt help when i woke up i could hear dad upstairs moaning and slamming doors.. mum n dad obviously fell out..but then they had been drinking so... FUCK SAKE!!!! Didnt help my state of mind.. but as i started to wake up abit more and dad had gone to sleep.. i was alot more relaxed.. Went out for a drive.. came back got fishing stuff sorted
Mum spoke to me .. well tried to speak to me.. ffs.. well i could understand what she was saying but she was sluring her words.. i wasnt rude or nasty .. but i wasnt particularly entheusistic with talkin to her.. she was like "what are you doing? (from inside front room) Im like "what? .. ".. she goes "what" cos she coudlnt hear me or cos she was drunk, prob both.. i was " why?? whats it to you? why do you wana know?" not nasty.. .just frustrated.. I opened door and said "whats up".. showing my lack of warmth... " i was just wondering what you were doing.. if you were gettin stuff ready for fishing tomorrow".. ...Iv translated that for the purpose of this post.. i goes.. "yeah, maybe".. her :" ok".. and went back to her book..
FFS.. I cant seem to help it at the mo.. i wanted to say "FOR FUCK SAKE.. IF YOU CANT EVEN SPEAK STOP TRYING TO FUCKING SPEAK TO ME!"..
I didint say this obviously
I felt guilty very soon after i shut the door.. especially as she and dad had obviously fallen out earlier.. I do feel bad.. I mean shit.. half the times iv been on here upset and down, I have been pissed.. shit if it was anyone else I could deal with it with all the compassion I have.. but with them I find it so hard..
But they are bloody stupid. They sit around drinking for hours then fall out.. ofcourse they are gona fall out if they’ve been sat there drinking all fucking afternoon.. .. They try to discuss something but cos they are both drunk they don’t get what it is the other one is trying to say… FUCK FUCK FUCK SAKE..
Shit.. ffs. im gona drop that now.. Dont wana put my head back in that place right now.
Ok.. im cool
Lol this was only gona be a short post to say ive got 5 days now.. Actualy im fine now.. chilled.. looking forward to gettin into bed and remembering gettin into bed when i wake up tomorrow morning as apposed to one minute being sat infront of pc then the next min i wake up in bed and its morning like so many times before..
Think im gona find it difficult to sleep tonight cos i slept between 6-7pm.. Hmm I dont wana get to the lake too late tomorrow should i decide to definately go fishing. Oh well .. im kinda rambling now.
Well apart from parents and me being all wired today, it has been a good saturday.. a darn site better than most saturdays which usualy include me staying home almost all day if not all day cos of hangover only to leave to get some more drink later on.. .. And I know i am gona wake up sober tomorrow hopefully with my head even clearer.. But hopefully less wired tomorrow and more relaxed..
Gota hoover my room tomorrow cos i spilt groundbait mix over the floor.. lol.
I hope everyone is well.. have a good day/night etc..
Oh, yummy, ground bait all over your bedroom floor, eh?
Fishing, good. That's such a nice way to unwind, and also a nice reward to give yourself after what you've accomplished this week. You deserve some quality "you" time. Listening to the waves crash, the solitude, your orange suit probably glaring clear to Mars, LOL. But, you'll stay warm and float. I think getting ready, the anticipation of fishing is almost as much fun as the getting away. I always wake up way early when my son in law comes up and we go fishing together. Like a little kid. Really like a little kid when I lose my umpteenth fly in a tree or out in the water, LOL. Stomp stomp and swear. Glad nobody's around to hear me. But, it is a way I reward myself. Knowing I deserve, just cuz I'm me, to do and have nice things. Be nice to yourself, you deserve it.
Let the guilt go. You're allowed to feel frustration with others, and for a few days, your nearest and dearest will be the recipient of these regardless of what they're doing. Just because they're there. You know that you love them, they know that you love them. Dustin would give me cr** before he'd go to school, and within an hour, the phone would ring and he'd be apologizing for being an ass and hurting my feelings. LOL, boy, I sure can parent with guilt. So, cut yourself some slack, and go out and kiss your Mom on the cheek.
Enjoy, breath deeply of the fresh salty air, and just unwind tomorrow. We'll be here waiting to see how it goes. love Wren
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Funny, isn't it, how friends and a Power greater than ourselves can neutralize nightmares?
When you said you spilt ground bait, you didnt mean the maggots and words, right???? ????????????????????? Hope not!! For your sake, Hoover, Hoover and Hoover!!!!
Tomorrow sounds great, getting ready for fishing, do you cook what you catch.
Sometime, when you decide to go to a meeting, that would be a great topic, about your drinking Parents. i would anticipate that they are going to get increasingly "on your nerves" but glad it is over with for now. Great topic here too. Whenever it bothers you, just Post it, it takes some of the Power out of the annoyance.
Have had a crazy day myself with my printer, I know what you mean, I feel annoyed at times that I do not own a sledge hammer. We get so annoyed, nothing gets done for the good, then I just left, went out for about two hours, sat down at my PC, saw the problem, fixed it. Wow, can I get in my own way. Lots of sun here, and after I did my stuff, I just found a place to stand in the warm sun, did some deep breathing, and now I am o.k. So healing.
Well this new clear headed Saturday is good, great in fact, but not familiar territory, so it stands to reason that it feels weird.
Sunday sounds great, let me know what you catch, o.k.???
So happy for you Rob, lots of work went into these 2 months for you, and so many changes, amazing, you are amazing.
Hugs, and here's to a better day for us both, tomorrow.
Toni Baloney
HAPPY FISHING!!!! You could make Sushi out of the fresh fish, if you like Sushi
Had about five sushi, lost them all. That's how my day is going. And Congratulations-Day 5!!
Thanx wren.. i guess i needed to hear that about the guilt thing.. Thanx..
Oh and if i go fishing tomorrow it will be at the lake not by the sea so i wont be wearing my orange suite. I cant be botherd to drive to the coast tomorrow. The lake is about 25 mins away. Well im pretty much set.. I made some sandwhiches alittle while ago. If its raining tomorow i might not go but i have some other good clothing for freshwater that is warm and waterproof and a fishing unbrella mum n dad got me for xmas (love em) that i havent used yet.. so i might go anyway.. if im just too tired i will lay in bed .. and have an easy day.. But it would be great to go .. and i will love it so much if i actualy catch something.. i have not caught a single fish yet this year.. so you can imagine how it will make me feel if i do.. do me the world of good to have a good days fishing..
I laughed when you said about losing a fly in a tree. lol iv lost floats and hooks in trees too.. lol.. not done any fly fishin .. yet..
Lol. soz Toni.. you must have posted whilst i was typing reply to wren..
No .. well groundbait well .. what i spilt was the powdery stuff that is the 'base mix'.. .. the stff that binds together when you add water.. .that is waht i spilt.. did spill some hemp seed. YEAH that right HEMP. lol form canabis plant.. its very popular with fish.. lol for food not for gettin them high.... i also added maggots. ,. didn add any worms..
think i may have dropped a couple of maggots.. but nvm.. they are clean.. lol.. but yeah floor is abit of a nightmare but i cant hoover cos of parents trying to sleep.
AND NO NO NO.. You must not eat raw fish without special ultra violet lights etc to find all the parasites!!!!!
Even in SURVIVAL manuals they say AVOID RAW FISH AS THEY ARE PRONE TO PARASITES!! And these are manuals that show you how to prepare worms and bugs to eat etc.. Ever head of Ray Mears??
Lol hope i didnt put you off your food, infact im eating right now.. lol
Lol conicidence bout our printers then Toni!? lol..
'AND NO NO NO.. You must not eat raw fish without special ultra violet lights etc to find all the parasites!!!!!'
True for freshwater fish, and saltwater flatfish. Things like tuna and sea trout are really nice raw. Having said that, all the raw fish I've had has been shop bought, not been fishing for years.
Hope you catch a real matchwinner, 12ft carp or an 18ft pike (sorry I retract that, I woudn't wish an 18ft pike on anyone!!!)
Have a good day Rob.
Bye for now,
Best wishes
Chris.
__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
No I have never eaten raw fish, but my son that lives here eats fresh eeal in sushi, and fresh stergeon, makes me sick looking at them, but why do all of the Sushi Resturants sell so much fresh, uncooked fish in their Sushi, maybe they do that Ultra violet stuff first, I hope so, cause I know all "low Bottom fish" have worms....................
......................Got to change the subject o.k.
have a wonderful day tomorrow, Rob and Chris love your new signature.
lol.. a 12 lb carp perhaps but no a 12 ft one!!! lmao.. I doubt ill catch a pike not right equipment for that.. line would get bitten through most likely.
Yeah thanx though mate.. You too
Hmm big slugs are sposed to be a great bait for Chub.. lol.. not that i keep readin all this stuff about fishing or anything.. lol
Ever read THE SLUGS by Shaun Hutson or the second one BREEDING GROUND which is probably better? Good books..
Yeah sushi restaurants or the people they buy them off of have special equipment..
that ground meal stuff? sounds like a fish'es version of Marmite. maggots? ewww don't wanna even ask how you get those. oh, well.
The sushi,, I was told in a Korean restaurant here that they marinte the fish in lemon juice.... or am I getting two things mixed up with each other. oh, well.
on another subject.... the difficulties with your parents today... see.. drinking is only a symptom of other things.. the reasns why we drink... our lack of better coping skills. I think one of the biggest reasons we turn to drink is that we don't better coping skills and so we think drink will do it. It doesn't. In my family we had different coping skills that each person preferred... My mom,, pills and hysterics,, my sister tempers and hysterics, my brother drugs and isolation, my dad , drinking and violence,, me a gamut of fighting to survive, drinking to blot things out, isolation to escape. None of us knew how to face a problem together constructively.
When we stop drinking we become more aware of the problems and our lack of ability to do the problem solving and conflict mediation,,, and so when we get in a predicament like this.. we think of drinking first,, and if we are dry then we often feel just plain stuck. That is why, my friend,,, we go beyond getting and remaining dry to real recovery. Recovery means learning the coping skills and doing the self improvement and development that we couldn't do while drunk. When I went into recovery I think I was emotionally and developmentally 13 years old.
So, okay,, we might dry out,, but then what? there is the life that is unmanageable. That's where the meetings come in,, the Steps and Principles giving us 'tools' for living better lives. Time for you to start going to those. And then later you can tell your parents how great the AA 12 Step program is and what the Promises are, and they will see that it is working for you, and maybe they will want what you will hve, the same way you are wanting what we have now. but if not, at least you will be on your recovery journey . 'The program works if you work it, so work it cuz you're worth it"
*does the little hop and skip shuffle that Dorothy and company did in Wizard of Oz*
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
that ground meal stuff? sounds like a fish'es version of Marmite. maggots? ewww don't wanna even ask how you get those. oh, well.
Its often fishmeal or bread crumb or groun down halllibet pellets.. not quite marmite.. BUT.. apparently marmite is a great attractant.. like add water to it then add it to your mix.. so iv read.. Maggots you buy from tackle shop.. maggots are cool.. quite warm often.. nice n wriggly.. (i lol as i imagine everyone cringe).. they often splurt blood abit when you stick hook in em.. sometime when you stick hook near narrow end of them a black bit comes out, like it did today.. lol.. just to make everyone feel great.
it doenst bother me one bit actualy.. its cool to have tub full of maggots.. its not like they are bread in shit, as you prob imagine, they are fed meat etc.. they are clean.. Actualy, and this is a fairly well known fact that maggots can clean wounds.. they eat the dead, wrotten skin.. Ever seen the film Gladiator?
Well i wonder if my parents started drinking because of me drinking. maybe they couldnt handle it.. Maybe i ruined them. Ive asked my mum before if i was the reason they started drinking and mum said i should never blame myself.. that they decided to drink. who knows.. i dont let myself think too much like that cos it wont do me any good. but im wondering if perhaps in time.. when .. well when they do pass away if it may suddently come back and hit me in the face.. .. Full on in my face.. that it was my fault .. .that my drinking is what started them on this road.. That idea kinda scares me.. but i think often im quite selfish and i think i may be able to brush those feelings aside because i wont like them.. not face up to them by not allowin myself to believe them.. but then i dont know that i am the cause.. but.. then again.. i am their world! so theyve said.
i know iv hurt them by drinking.. .. as they have me.. but i started first so it makes me feel worse.. .. and i have no real doubt in my mind that i will drink again.. maybe today. maybe tomorrow, maybe next week maybe nxt month..
Hmm isnt it mad how moods can go from place to place in minutes.. I mean i read your post amanda earlier.. then came back on here.. posted response bout maggots etc all light hearted then read bit of your post again about underlying reasons and drinking cos couldnt cope and thoughts of my parents drinking cos they couldnt cope with my drinking came up..
Dont feel bad about that.. just my way of thinking.
Though .. a little while ago i got a mate to give me alift into work cos i had had too much the night before and didnt wana drive... when i got home dad was like "waht happned last night then, had a skin full?". i said "yeah".. he goes.. "i dont blame you.. i think i might tonight".. ..
Do you know.. .. Well him and mum had gone away for weekend at friends he had come back and mum was gettin lift back few days later, so dad had bought some whiskey, mum doenst like him drinking that so she was away so he got some.. he said to me that he had "treated" himself to a bottle of whiskey.. i thought how can you say "treat youself"..geese.. i didnt say anything.. but.. so i duno ...
True for freshwater fish, and saltwater flatfish. Things like tuna and sea trout are really nice raw.
Hi all, having read the link to the sushi web page I think that raw fish is now off my menu!
Thanks for the info.
I was never keen on lake fishing (can't stand maggots) and for sea fishing I always used to stick to sand eels as bait. (Rag and lugworms are a big no no for me).
Had a go at shark fishing once from Key West in Florida. Big Penn multiplyer reels and short thick rods, wire line and all the rest of the gear that puts the fish at a major disadvantage. caught nothing though.
Anyone know where I can get Dynamite from, makes it so much easier!
Got to go, bye for now.
Best wishes to all
Chris.
__________________
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
Well, I don't want to eat any raw fish. I did learn that the word 'sushi' refers to the sticky rice and not to the fish,,, and that sushi comes in all kinds of little thingies,,, some do not have fish in them,,, but some have cooked crab pieces, and some have vegetables,,, so I'm going to look next time and get sushi with something other than raw fish in it.
for bait here, we use earth worms, and some people have farms of earth worms. I did at one time cuz they are very good for the garden also. And we use little minnows to catch larger freshwater fish. I do like to go fishing myself.
Rob... you did not cause your parents' drinking. Your mother told you the truth. It is not your fault. And you cannot control anything else they, or anyone else does, either. Alcoholism tends to be a family trait,,, whether or not it is activated. There are 4 generations of alcoholics in my family. I am the only one in AA. But I am glad I am in AA, cleaning up my side of the street. Next time you go to a meeting, maybe bring home some of the literature,,, pamphlets and stuff that give information about alcoholism, and AA and alanon and stuff... just to be educational and learn about it. And one thing that happens when we are newly dry,,,, the emotions that we've been drowning aren't drowned any more,,, and come up,,, and some are hard to handle. It's alright.
Yep,,, I don't know my future,,, I might drink sometime,,, anything could happen,,,, but... just for today,, just for this moment,,, I'm not drinking and I'm in recovery, and learning better coping skills,,, and enjoying what I can in this beautiful sunny spring day.
God bless you,
*hugs*
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
oh well you dont have to read all of it***
