Last week, my first meetin, there were alot of people there.. the more i think about it the more i am convinced there were alot more there last week than this week... And the majority of people attending last weeks meeting were "sober over a year!"
This week there were plenty of people sober over a year but alot more, this week, that were sober months, weeks, days.. etc.. Perhaps thats also why i felt more at ease this week.. There were also atleast 2 people (i think poss more) who it was their first time.. certainly a woman behind me was.. though she seemed to find it ok to talk.. well some talked alittle when asked.. woman behind me passed to talk to group but i could hear her talking to woman who she came with or who she had aggreed to meet. But i also wonderd how many people who's first time it was were sober or had had a drink.. i myself have been sober both times.. i have not had a drink before a meeting.. I really want to do them sober.. it means more to me phsycologicaly to do it sober.. scared the shit out of me.. but did it sober none the less.
Alot of the people who have spoken have talked about drinknig durin the day.. drinking in the morning and during work etc.. etc.. I dont do that.. I kinda did abit when i was alot younger.. but more cos i thought it would be fun or a laugh than to do it cos i felt i had to to get through..
So far i have not openend up at the meetings to anyone.. not with details etc.. Alan knows i drank last week etc.. but he doesnt know how much etc..
He had said .. "ok how about this.. what if you phone me every morning and talk to me about your plan for the day and ill offer you some advice etc".. this was something i was not up for .. i said. "Well im nooot sure.. " he was like "ok.. ok no problem" etc.;. no preassure.. which was good.
If i got got up in morning had had to drink then id prob be up for it.. but i am not like that.. i hate waking up feelin drunk ..When i do wake up drunk/affected i long to be sober again. even on the weekends when i dont have to drive or go to work.. Though on many weekends i have started drinking pretty much when i have soberd up.. but i really dont feel the impulse/desire to drink in the morning or through the day generaly.. though as i said the weekends can be different..
My drinking is at night, mainly.. Every night when i get home i want to drink.. And the majority of times it gets the better of me.. I hate wakin up drunk.. either just feeling the affects or completely fucked but i wake up MOST days affected .. if only alittle.. I know i am an ALCOHOLIC.. i know i am.. cos i feel that i have to drink.. every fucking night..
But i cant help but feel slightly fraudulant cos alot of the people there are in.. well WERE in a far worse place than i am in..
Times have been alot worse than they are now.. and that can come back to me any day..
When i was drinkin Port.. things were alot worse.. i would go in every day pretty fuckd.. some days.. well alot of days, i would go into work fucked (drove in too) and by like 12 noon i would still feel that i was probably over the drink drive limit.. and i was drivin at like 8am ..
At the mo i am going in over the limit, blatently, most of the time.. but im not in a bad way at the moment.. bad enuf.. . but not like i have been at times.. Maybe thats why im not taking my situation, my disease/condition seriously enuf at the moment..
But i am doing alot of thinking bout my drinking.. not just now but trying to think about all the different times.. over the years..
Recently.. one sunday i started drinking at 11:30am.,.. earliest iv started in while..
Also another interesting point at the meeting was to replace the word DRINKING with THINKING.. mainly at this point the 15 questions in the questionair in the BEGINNERS PACK.. A fairly good point..
Hmm runing out of steam now.. and yeah i have been drinking. im not gona lie to you.. whats the point of me lying to you guys..
I know i have a problem.. i have made two meetings.. i hav someon to call . duno if hes my sponsor or not.. know he could be if i wanted it..
i think im still in denial.. well i am stil in denial.... i want to drink and part of me still fulfils that need.. i know i need to stop. i know that im in a mess because of it.. but .. i want to drink and i do.. ffs.. i duno..
I got alot from meetings and i have someon to call. but for some reason i dont call them.. and i buy drink
All of my adult life i have lived this way (if i dare call myself an adult)... i know all i have to do is call Alan.. but i havent.. i have lived so long like this.. its hard to just change.. and yeah i know its gona be hard.. but as i have always been.. i am a slow learner and it takes me a while to make it .. it always has.. i dont asume this to be any different.. .. it will take as long as it takes.. but i do bleve i will get there.. you can chose to bleve or not bleve me.. i can only do this the speed that i am able to do this..
I wish i could answer your question better.. but basicaly i am just doing things at my speed.. not the fastest but its mine..
thanx for your support and i totaly get what you are saying..
Hey Rob; I'm a alcoholic named Bob. I used to make it a ritual whe I'd get home from work I'd roll a fat joint pour a cold beer, drink half the beer smoke half the joint take a shower, eat, drink the rest of the beer and smoke the rest of the joint then repeat til bedtime. Since you get the urge to drink when you come home from work why don't you call Alan then, maybe talking to him will relieve you of the urge to drink. Good luck, Bob.
__________________
Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
There are always people out there who I feel have it worse than me....I never lost a job, got a DUI, crashed my car, lost my kid, my husband, etc.... BUT the way I look at it, those people are the "yets" for me...I haven't done all those things....YET. If I had continued to drink the way I was (which was only at night as well) I would eventually get those "yets" I don't want them. I felt the same as you do when I first started going to AA. I thought-"Oh, these people are worse off than me...maybe I don't belong here after all" But the more I went and listened, the more things I heard that sounded just like me...from the very people who I thought were "worse off" and "not like me"!
My sponsor and the Big Book tell me to look at similarities..not differences....we are all in the same boat...we all have this disease that tells us we don't have a disease. That is one of the things I really love about AA...people from all walks of life joined together by one common problem and more importantly, the solution...
Keep going to meetings and you will hear more of those similarities....One day at a time Rob.
Bob, A very good griend in AA always was saying "a persons got to do what a persons got to do, till they ain't got to do it no more" When you are ready the answers will come, and we are here. Take care, sending prayers your way. It doesn't matter how much you drink, or where it takes you, if it hurts you, that is what AA is for.
