You are reading from the book Today's Gift </OA_HTML/ibeCCtpItmDspRte.jsp?item=2121>.
It feels so good to cry. . . . --Susan Cygnet
Some of us were taught that it's bad to express our feelings directly--crying, wailing, jumping up and down for joy--that it's good manners to talk softly, slowly, and politely and to sit still. But what happens to our feelings when we sit still? If they don't get expressed, they must be caught inside our bodies. Trapped feelings are like birds in a cage, or a rabbit in a trap--they try to get out any way they can. They peck on our heads and give us headaches. They scratch at our stomachs and make us hurt. We must let them out. We must laugh and cry. Then our bodies will be happy, and our feelings will curl up in our laps like happy puppies.Am I ignoring the physical symptoms of trapped feelings?
>>>>>>>>i used to think that if i ever DID cry over "it" i would "lose it" and begin screaming and not be able to stop....well after a few months into recovery, the tears, ability to cry began....my first session with "lady tears" lasted several hours.....my second???? FOURTEEN hours of deep sobbing, grieving, wailing, keening from my pain......when i was through i could barely walk to the bathroom i was so "rung out" like i had experienced an "inner flushing" and my body was dry!!!! i had cried myself into exhaustion,
and i had to show up that night for a tennis match against an arrogant woman who cannot play as well as i can and KNOWS it, and here i am...exhausted---toast----ROAD kill!!!! and my partner??? 102 degree fever from the flue.....they beat us 6-4 6-4....the only thing that kept us in the game at all was my horrendous service return...i blasted these big service return winners time after time back in their side of the court and all they could do was watch the ball fly by them........ but i could barely stand and my poor partner was practically falling down from being so sick..........i was never so spent / exhausted in my life....i lost, but was proud of myself for "showing up for duty" even tho i KNEW i had NOTHING in the tank......i was exhausted, but kinda felt a sense of "cleansing" however i knew there was MORE to come.....it scared me , yet i embraced it cuz i knew it was a purging i desperately needed....
.i read about people going in for "colon flushing" to cleanse their bodies, and how good they felt after they ridded themselves of the old "grunge" of years and decades of bad eating, and how "rejuvenated" they felt......well i needed a "soul flushing".....noone had to run a cold tube up the "poop shoot" of my soul, but it was a similiar effect--- i had DECADES of old "emotional grunge" inside of me.....it was so impacted, it took a few crying sessions to dislodge the deeper--older stuff...but i must say i felt better...i knew i was on my way!!! when i get my back spasms or my ibs flareups, i now ask my IC, "ok what are we needing to feel now???" feelings do NOT go away---they go "under" and they come back up until they are accepted--allowed---felt----dealt with---- than the next and the next till the "purging" of the old is done....THAN daily step work keeps it current so there is not this "accruel" of pain to deal with......
up until these past few weeks, i was so "sure" i was " a dealing and a healing" but i was STILL running from feelings....i just didn't want any more pain....this crap was bad enough, like i was dodging still a lot of it....this LAST back spasm made me reach out in desperationt to my sponser...like "WHAT am i missing???? i am hitting NEAR the bullseye, but not ON it".....than the discussion about ACCEPTING the inner child/ family or origin pain work.....going back to the ROOT of it all....i had done SOME....but needed more.....so now the "bed time" chats with my IC, going back down memory lane, remembering and feeling and accepting and understanding and showing COMPASSION AND REassurance to my IC that "i am here for U now".....i feel a kind of release now---much work to do, but its ok, hell i have been through the worst......the ground has been dug...the foundation has been laid, now i need to REBUILD the decadent building i just tore down!!!! with love/ acceptance/ compassion AND patience..........thanks, R
I had and still do have panic attacks due to internalising emotion. When someone annoys me I usually don't say anything to them directly (usually because it's just trivial stuff and it's my alcoholic brain that is the problem) Still annoys me though, and I internalise..... I'm not a tactful person (unless I have to be i.e. work.) so I usually get to the point which sometimes could cause offence.
I suppose it depends on your view, if your ok with people regarding you as a 'antisocial gobsh*te basta*d then thats OK.
I try to remain civilised.
Ah well Shi* happens!
Hope you all have a great day, bye for now
Chris.
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"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." -- Kristian Wilson, Nintendo, Inc, 1989"
I think that was actually a lot of how I got one of my patterns of drinking - my mom used to give me seconals or libriums if I got upset and cried,, starting from when I was 11 years old. She got them from her shrink, and I guess that's why she took them, so she figured that would be the thing to do with me too. So if I get upset the first thing I think of to do is medicate it with booze. Now I try to put that reaction on hold until I can try the recovery tools I've learned, and the therapy things I learned, and let the feelings out in a controlled way so that I can work through them. It's not easy, it is a struggle. Sometimes I find other ways to keep the feelings stuffed, like sleep, getting busy with something else,,, but then they do things like the stomach ache or headache,, or bitchiness. It does help to 'talk to myself' sometimes, or talk to God about whatever.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
