Iv got possitive and negative things to say tonight..
I guess ill start with the negative first.. I am drinking now tonight;. i duno how much im gona drink.. at the moment im on my 2nd.. so im not drunk.. at the moment
Maybe im not trying hard enuf.. hard to understand everything at the moment..
OK thats the negative..
The possitive is that i DID go to the meetin tonight.. I can hardly beleive i went.. Im glad i did.. And i will go again.. even though i didnt particularly enjoy it.. soo many emotions.. fear, nervous, anxious.. etc..
Met a guy called Alan, not chris.. some mix up with that.. Nice guy.. talked to me .. made me feel welcome.. met a couple of other guys.. i didnt say too much realy more they spoke to me.. i did speak. i didnt totaly clam up. but it was fairly minimal.. .. Meetin started off with it going round everyone in the room with they saying their name and how long theyd been sober.. etc.. scared the shit out of me.. and was freaky as hell but it kinda felt good to say ROBERT, FIRST TIME.. i did also say somehthing like i drink too much.. but that was drowned out by the welcome..
The woman heading the meetin .. Alex took everyones names down as we said them i think.. and then called out names to see if they wanted to share.. i realy wasnt sure if i wanted share or pass this time.. but i didnt get asked so i was kinda releived..
Got Alans number.. which he said i can call any time.. 24/7... told me some things hes done since hes been sober.. Got a couple of bits of info.. Newcomers pack thingy, list of meetings in area and "Living Sober" book.
On the way to the meetin i was thinking.. "i cant bleve im actualy driving to an aa meeting".. i actualy said that outloud.. I also kept saying outloud.. "You can do this.. you really can.. you really can fuckin do this".. I couldnt NOT go and then come on here and tell everyone that i bottled out and didnt go.. I knew that I just HAD TO GO, that i coudlnt put it off..
After i left the meeting.. even kidna spoke with guy as i was walking through church grounds.. well he asked me if i was ok.. i said yeah.. and well we chatted breifly through the walk.. I left meetin and well its a bout 25 mins drive i guess from my house.. not sure.. I turned back and decided to find THE PRIORY CENTER.. in wycombe.. cos i know there is a meetin there like fridays and saturdays i think.. cant rem when else yet.. Found that.. then headed home .. went to offi and bought drink..
Came in.. Dad asked me if i was ok.. i said that i had just been "out and about".. he had been abit worried that i might have broken down (car i mean) etc.. ..
Meeting.. well there must have been like 40 or more people there!.. i had been told it was gona be a big one.. and from what a couple of people said it was alot larger than most meetings.. Felt wierd.. Im not a particulalry social person anyway.. I have alot of laughs at work and get on with most people there.. but outside work im more of a recluse.. im not really scared of crowds but when they might all be looking at me.. its a very freaky feeling.. not something im used to.. .. And when i have socialised.. mostly it hasnt been overly big groups.. so like i said.. not something im used to..
Thankyou for everyones support.. i still need it.. and yeah i know im still not doing great because im drinking at the moment and i am in no way brushing that under the carpet.. But i hope to improve..
Tonights meetin was scary as shit.. But i will go again..,.probably scare the shit out of me again.. but i will go.. Im still kinda in shock that i actualy did it.. that i finaly grew some balls and did it.. And i have to say that alot of what helped me grow the balls came from the support and help iv had from people on this site..
Congrats on your first meeting. Sounds like it went pretty well to me. I remember when I first started going it was very experimental, wasn't sure if I would like it or not. It was suggested to me to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, a meeting every day! I did that. I figured they were right if I put in an hour a day (like I did my drinking) that wasn't so much to ask. It turns out I've been on the ride of my life, more than I bargained for! Don't get me wrong, it hasn't all been good, but when I've done what I know to be right good things have happened to me. Right now you are the most important person on this message board. Have you looked to see how many people are viewing what you are posting? You are lighting this message board up. We all care about you and are hoping you keep coming back. I look up to you. It takes alot of balls to come in here and open up like you have. Keep it up!!!
You cant be seriouse? Im the most important perons on this message board?.. Surely not..
You look up to me? How could anyone look up to me? Im still drinking..I did... well tonight was possibly the bravest thing iv ever done.. i think iv shown more balls than i have EVER had in my life and obv im proud of myself and alittle amazed.. .. iv been dosed up with Kalms all day though to be honest it was hard to feel their effect tonight..
How can i be lighting the board up.. theres loads of posts on here.. and i have to admit i dont read all that many of them.. i read some.. but at mo im so selfishly caught up in myself..
I appreciate your message.. and maybe im being negative about myself but .. wel i cant see myseff in that light and .. well your msg has kinda stunned me...
Usualy and although i know people understand what its like to be addicted to drink i cant help but think that everytime i say im still drinking that people have just that little bit less respect for me. like "well hes still drinking.. how seriouse can he be about stopping".. i totaly feel a hypocrit.. and you have no idea the amount of times i wake up and think.. "ohhh..shit.. did i really post that.." I feel so weak but i stll drink so i feel that it looks like im not really serious.... I guess i will learn more from more meetings..
Thanx for your message though. but im not sure how realistic it is.. Appreciate your comments on that..
Here's what it's about Rob. You are very important to us, because we remember where we were, and how we felt before we got started on this program. And, believe it or not, we all felt a lot like you at one time. We want you to win this one, my friend.
I particularly want you to make it, before you end up doing to your liver what I did to mine.
GLAD YOU ARE HERE, KEEP COMMIN BACK, IT WORKS IF YA WORK IT!!!!!!!! If you wish give yourself a break and read the last paragraph on pg 164 of the Big Book.
Congratulations, Rob.. I'm glad you made it to your first meeting! That's a good step. About respect for you being based on what you accomplish,,, I don't feel the same way. I respect you as God's child, no matter what happens. I know what it is like to be powerless over alcohol... cigarettes too. but I am glad you went because I care about you and think that it's a good thing that you went.
Sometimes I drink, and I know other people who drink, not really caring what happens to me,, in fact, being in a mood where I actually am a bit self-destructive,,, in Janis Joplin mode. I hear sometimes people in AA say, 'we are going to love you until you can also love yourself' . And another saying, "It works if you work it, so work it cuz you're worth it"
God bless you,
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Good going Rob! I know a few AAers that went to meetings drunk in there first attempts. Now they are respected members of AA. I'v sat with a few people that where still drinking. I treated them with respect like I would any other person. I guess for me it baffles me because when I went to AA I was ready to stop,but then again I stopped going to AA when I wanted to start up again. We all have our different ways to go about not drinking,but you cannot be sober if your still drinking. No way around that Rob. I don't know how many times I had cut down too. It was kind of a bummer having to curb the drinking when I really wanted to drink as much as I could without being sick. Now that I know all about AA and recovery,it would be just plain dumb for me to pick up again because i would not enjoy it. It would be like seeing the same Movie over and over again and paying for it over and over again. At any rate,I'm glad you went to your first meeting,now on to the 2nd...
Wow, you threw me back to the countless meetings I had been to a very long time ago. What I would do on a regular basis, was go to the meeting after work, buy something on the way home, drink it as fast as I could, so I could use a lot of Breath mints, and tell my husband when he got home, how great it was to go to the meeting. I could always raise my hand figuratively, when they would speak of some being sicker than others. But It takes what it takes, my friend.
Rob, we are all Alcoholics,, what do Alcoholics do, their Natural state is to Drink, Drink, and then Drink Some more Alcohol. It is a built in symptom of the Disease, some of us do the Relapse thing for years, some never do. Dont have to figure it out for myself. Just feel the Blessing of that one day when I gave up and Surrendered. I cannot tell you why or how, I have not had a drink for 16+ years, but do believe it started when I just gave up, was looking at my third Suicide attempt, 49 years old, and this Disease had taken me to the end of the line. I remember clearly the feeling and thinking "I would rather be Dead than continue distroying myself, and everything in my path, with being a drunk." I guess thats why I hope so much that it happens now for you, you are young, 29, with a lot of your life ahead of you, and you can get on the evelator going UP, before the Disease takes you down into the Basement, I don't think you would like the Basement Rob, you no longer have choices, in the Basement, you cannot, not drink, Period. It is a Progressive Disease, that is a fact of life. It is very similiar to Cancer, Untreated Cancer, it will continue to grow, and get stronger in you.
The great gift of AA, is that the Treatment for Alcoholism, is abtinance, a continual 24 hour a day Program. and if you fall off the Wagon, as someone here on the Board has done, you just get back up, dust yourself off, and start over. So, So, Simple.
If you are truly an Alcoholic, then the outcome will be simple, if you continue to Drink, Gates of Insanity, and Death await you. Grim fact, but TRUE fact for all of us.
Have you taken the time to read the first 164 Pages of Alcoholics Anonymous. It might help You identfy and understand the Disease.
Whenever I see you Post here, it takes me back to that moment in time where you wrote, after going through 7 days of detox, THAT YOU FINALLY HAD SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT!
I believe there is a part of you, maybe it's the little boy Rob, inside you that you are stuggling for, that innocent child, that wants you to give him a better life.
My love to you Rob, and just keep going back to the meetings, listen for what you need to hear, and share what is really going on with you, that combination has a very good result. I wish I had had the courage, many years ago, to have told those people in the rooms, that when I left the meeting, I drank, never even occurred to me to tell them, and too bad too, for they would have understood, and would have offered me help.
And Congratulation on Making to your First Meeting, it did take being VERY BRAVE to go, I agree,
Recovery is A PROCESS Rob, Not An Event.
I feel like Zoomie, I wish you lived closer, I would come and take you with me, drunk or sober, to the meetings.
I just wanted to say that I didnt really mean to sound like i was dismissing alot of what you said last night in your post Soberdrunk about me being most important person on here etc.. it was really my lower level of self esteem taking over.. .. 'Who me?.. but im not worth it'.. type thing ya know.. And some of it was that i wanted you to say it agian i guess cos the reassurance thing that goes with insecurity, lack of self esteem and self confidence etc...
Thanx again everyone.. your support does help me.. I dont think im gona be able to get to a meetin tonight.. iv got stuff to do.. iv done some of it but iv still got more.. I am determined to go camping this weekend.. I finish work on fridays at 3:30 pm and i plan to leave straight from there.. its gona be a long journey i expect cos of traffic.. so probably 5 hours i guess.. I expect the campsite will be closed when i get there but i can sleep in the car and go on in the morning.. So tonight iv gota start packing clothes etc.. First camping trip since November so gota get all my stuff together.. Tomorrow night will be much the same.. I always think that there wont be much to do then have to rush around cos i keep remembering things i had forgotten.. And tomorrow night iv gota go into town to collect a parcel.. though im not sure what it is.. iv either bought something on ebay or something.. or its a modem.. Im changing my internet provider to get a faster broadband.. thing is i set it up when i was drinking and the website was confusing me and im not 100% sure i set up the broadband.. i see no reason why it didnt set up but iv not had confirmation of that.. AND i cant rem if i set up a password or not.. im pretty sure i know what the password is if i did. I need to check it out later.. or phone them up..fffs..
As for drinking.. Well last night i didnt actualy finish my last drink.. if i rem correctly (hmm) i knocked most of it over.. lol.. its funny that that happened and because i didnt feel anywhere near as ...affected when i woke up as i thought i might so i feel better cos i was drunk enuf to knock my drink over so i couldnt get drunker.. . infact i wasnt too bad at all and i did infact cancel my lift and drive to work today. Tonight.. well its 19:04 (7:04 pm) and so far i havent drank.. But i really dont know if im gona go without.. At this point i cant really see me not drinking.. The thing also is.. I was thinking this last night on way back from meeting.. i wish i lived closer to work and could walk or something.. Cos not only have i got to decide to drink or not drink but im working against time limit.. because the later i drink the more likely i am to be over the limit the nxt day... So its like im preassured. . Its like "well i might be able to go tonight without a drink... but i dont know if i can/will.. but if i am gona drink it would be better to start now so im not gona be so f**ck*d in the morning. i can really see myself going down the shop in a minute.. its only about 1-2 mins walk... less if i drive..
Do you know.. lol .. i can totaly laugh about this.. because i cant help it.. but Years ago i had decided not to drink any more that night and get into bed... then with about two mins to go i put my dressing gown on and i cant rem if i put slippers on or shoes but i litteraly ran down the street and round the corner to the shop.. i can rem the guy going "you just got out of bed mate?".. lol thank fuck noone saw me.. or atleast it never came back to me.. i mean i know how bad a sign that is.. and i didnt actualy remember doin that for a few days.. it just suddenly came back to me a few days later.. the guy in the shop never mentioned it.. but i still laugh about that.. the idea of me running down the street in my dressing gown pissed as a fart anyway..
I still can hardly get over the fact i went to the meeting last night.. its stll very sureal.. but iw ill go again.. i had planned to go tonight i was sat in car this morning checking out list of meetings and then suddenly i rememberd that i to get shit ready for the weekend and sort out my stuff in the garage.. .. This lead me to mixed emotions.. i thought to myself "Oh shit! i cant go to a meeting.. tonight or tomorrow".. but obviously i also felt a little relieved cos it took alot out of me last night emotionaly.. well i mean the fear and anxiety etc.. but also happiness at the propect of me finaly gettin away for abit. Im also worried the longer i leave it between going to a meetin the harder it will be.. doesnt mean i wont go.. just means it might be harder.
But saying that if i get away this weeend and dont drink.. hopefully i wont because iv got fishing and tide times to work same as i did last time i went away.. i didnt drink at all for about 3-4 days i think.. So if i do this then when i come back i should be more confident.
As i say im planning on going away friday if all things go ok and i will be coming back sunday.. sunday is gona be the tricky one.. because i always come back and drink that day, when ig et home regardless of how good the trip has been. So im gona try to leave late enuf so that the shop will be shut when i get home.. We shall see.
Well im gona go and start gettin my shit sorted.
I hope all you guys are doing ok and hangin in there and that everything with all of your families are good or atleast as good as they can be.. I am trying not to be selfish.. but i do get abit self envolved.. but i guess you guys know all about that. too..
Oh yeah.. Just case i havent mentioned it.. i didnt drink anything before going to that meeting.. i was 100% sober.. Infact the guy.. Alan seemd abit surprised about that he asked me when i had had my last drink.. i said "last night" he said "Oh! So you havent had anything to drink today then?!.. Well done!"
Oh yeah.. shit i keep remembering stuff and having to edit.. Today, well partly cos i didnt drink quite as much but alot because i actualy grew the balls and went to my first ever meetin after all this time.. Today i did feel better... about myself.. my confidence was higher.. and i did feel some weight had lifted.. if just only alittle.. The idea of another meeting still scares the shit out of me.. But i will go again and i expect it might be alittle easier next time.. I trust in what alot of you guys tell me and that helps me alot.. There are so many thoughts of.. whats gona happen next time as i havent aggreed to meet someone.. people wont know that im still a newbee cos i cant say its my first time.. (if i go to a diff meeting) if its my 2nd.. i guess i will say that.. Will i be more alone this time cos its not my first time.. i doubt that will be the case at the same meeting next week which i hope to make, but if i go to a diff meeting on monday or something.. I wonder if i should just turn up at a meeting of if i should ask alan if he could go to that on too .. i dont know what i would prefer.. perhaps a meeting where i can be alittle more anonymous this time.. just to see what thats like.. as in i mean to go to a meeting and not meet anyone and just sit through it.. perhaps my balls would be bigger perhaps they would be smaller.. i dont know.. Alot of things i have to do on my own to be strong enuf. others not.. In december i had a vasectomy because i dont want children and only my two best mates knew about that i couldnt tell my parents till after.. Also, and this might seem trivial but like getting my tattoo and tongue pierced etc.. thats sort of thing i ususaly have to do on my own.... actualy sayin that my mate gavin was there when i got tongue piereced.. but anyway what im saying is that some things im better on my own, i can be stronger on my own and others im not.. I think with aa it will totaly be abit of both.. depending on the meeting and the night. I think it will be good to go and meet someone like alan and i also met a john at times, some people who can see my progress etc.. but other times i think it will be good to go on my own to diff meetings and stand on my on two feet.. which helps my confidence, self belief and self esteem etc.. I think (its almost like im figuring it out right now actualy) as i said it will totaly be abit of both.. The one i went to was in beaconsfield and its easy to get to and easy to park and obviously some people will recognise me and know its my first days... Well shit i have hardly got anything ready.. i have started to drink though.. at mo iv had one..
