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Post Info TOPIC: I can't help anyone. Perhaps I don't belong.
poi77


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I can't help anyone. Perhaps I don't belong.
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Hi, some of you might remember me, but probably not.  A long time ago I had identification problems but eventually jumped into recovery and I now have 4 years and have worked the steps.  Over the past year plus, I have taken on sponsees.  2 are now dead and one is in prison.  I have decided to stop taking on sponsees, as they would clearly be better helped by someone else.  So here is where I am coming from:

Only alcoholics can truly understand and help other alcoholics....then perhaps I am not an alcoholic after all. I had a hunch I didn't belong. I am feeling like a failure. Every single person I have tried to help has not been helped at all. I wish I was overstating it. When people come to me now I am just referring them to others who I know have been able to help. I am putting this out there because I am too embarrassed to share this with anyone else right now.

Is it possible to have a 0% success rate with sponsees? Is it possible that I am not an alcoholic because I can't seem to help anyone else in recovery? (only alcoholics can understand and help alcoholics). Everyone who has come to me for help is either dead or in prison now. Perhaps I do not belong. Just trying to accept it and move on.  How can I go back now and determine if I actually am an alcoholic?  What is the best screening tool anyone has used?  Or is my thinking wrong here?  Is my thinking kind of alcoholic right now?  Maybe I do belong but I'm not doing it right?  I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.  If I don't belong I don't belong, and I can go away.  

 

 

Thanks in advance for any help or advice.  



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Pythonpappy


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Hi poi, ... good to hear from you again ... even if it has been a while ...

I had some of the same feel'ns when I sponsored my first few alcoholics ... the first three or four turned up disasters too ... I consulted my sponsor and was told I can't work the program for them, they had to work the steps themselves ... the best thing I could do is tell these new guys what the program meant to me and how I worked it to get the sobriety I longed for ... I needed them to see that AA works if you're ready and willing to work it ... I had to set an example that they would want to follow ...

You came to AA for a reason ... and I will not challenge your reason for being here and nor should you ... you've already proven to yourself that the program works ... and if you lose a few sponsees, that quite normal ... it took number 5,6,& 7 before I started seeing it work for those that listened and did the work ... by the way, one of my first few sponsees wound up in jail for a few months, thought I had lost him, but he eventually made it back to the rooms and we picked up where we left off ...

Just say'n ... be very careful second guessing yourself ... it has been known to be fatal ...



Love ya man and God Bless,
Pappy



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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Tanin


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Seems like you're doing well, poi. 4 years sober...worked the Steps....sponsored 3 alcoholics...

Nothing wrong with that. Keep it up.

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First, deal with the things that might kill you.

 
justadrunk


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Hey :)

I remember you ;)


So guess what! You have 100 % success because YOU stayed sober.

You aren't saving them... nor are you meant to! Each does that for themselves. You're saving yourself!

Alcoholism is just a creepy voice that tells you your not an alcoholic. Sounds like alcoholism is talking to you. Silly blob without a brain of its own has to convince you to use your arms and legs to get what it wants.

Don't believe everything you think. Especially that creepy alcoholism voive.

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Thanks for everything.  Peace and Love on your journey.  
MarcLacroix


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Hi;
I'm Marc and I am an Alcoholic.
This little test told me so.
If you want to take a look at it you can go here:
weekendwinnerworkshop.org/GreenBase/AAForYou/IsAAForMe.html

Marc


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Mystic Man


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You helped me poi. To start with they told me H.O.W. & look for the similarities.

Even after 3oyrs , I Still don't identify with much , very little in fact . So . I Am Different , but there's still room for me.

I am not an alcoholic BUT , I am alcoholic & the best "twelth step work" I do , is on myself.



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John R
jhamlett


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I'd recommend sharing this with your sponsor, face to face talking beats a forum posting every time.

There's nothing you can do to stop a alcoholic from drinking, or from doing anything.

You had nothing to do with the road you're sponsees took. Even if you had been the worst sponsor alive, if they wanted to stay sober they would have just gotten another sponsor.

You're gotten yourself a ringside seat to the harsh realities of alcoholism. Most alcoholics aren't going to make it.

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"God can move mountains but it helps to bring a shovel!"

 

 

 
Tanin


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poi77 wrote:

Is it possible to have a 0% success rate with sponsees?   

 0 % is assuredly the mode in a distribution of sponsors results with 3 sponsees...



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First, deal with the things that might kill you.

 
MollyMunch


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Hi Poi, welcome back. I had a similar experience to you some years ago & when I moaned to my sponsor that none of the prospective candidates I'd 12Stepped had come back to meetings or got sober, she said "But the point is YOU'VE stayed sober" !!!

It says in the BB, Ch7 "Working With Others" (perhaps have another read of it) - "Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail" i.e. it will keep the 12 Stepper sober. Of course, we hope & pray that those we 12 Step/sponsor will get, and stay, sober but we can only carry the message, not the alcoholic.

I couldn't get, or keep, myself sober so I certainly can't get anyone else sober ! All I can do is tell them what it was like for me, hoping they can identify, & lay the Spiritual Tool Kit out before them - it's up to them whether they choose to pick it up or not. One things certain though - I will be sober for that day !

When I'm feeling discouraged - as you seem to be at the moment - reading Ch11 "A Vision For You" always lifts my spirits me & gives me hope.

You've stayed sober for 4 Years - you must be doing something right !!!

Love, peace & serenity



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peecee


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You would not have wound up in AA by accident. Look, all my sponsees went out or stopped going to AA too. It's not you! It's them. If you are cooking up reasons to relapse, please address that...not blame it on sponsees or questioning doing more of your own research. Said in concern here...welcome. Of course you belong. Hugs...

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emmi331


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You've earned your seat in the rooms just like all of us have....no need to think about getting up and leaving.

You can only carry the message, you cannot carry the drunk. The fact is, the "success rate" of staying sober is low. You did not keep anybody sober because it's not your job to keep them sober; your job is to carry the message of recovery and the sponsee's job is to listen to the message and work on recovery. If they drink again, it is their choice, not yours. You have NO power over someone else's addiction.

I've sponsored plenty of women over the years - the first one I sponsored called me one time and I have no idea what happened to her after that. Most subsequent sponsees ultimately began drinking again, because those are the odds.

I learned early: Do NOT take it PERSONALLY. Not the successes, not the flops. Focus on the importance of this service work for YOUR recovery, and move on to help another, because that is what this program is about.

I know the frustrations sponsorship brings; please see my post for today and you'll understand. But I'm not going to stop sponsoring and/or trying to help others because those I'm trying to help don't put recovery first. It sounds like you do - keep carrying the message!




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MarcLacroix


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Hey MysticMan;
How many days are there in an oyear?

Marc


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Fyne Spirit


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I have 0% success rate with sponsees, yet a few of them recovered. How does that work? I don't have and never had had the power to sober up people whi are beyond human aid. I do my bit and the rest is up to God. What you describe is similar to a dilemna Bill W found himself in, having tried for six months to sober up dozens of drunks, not a single one had got well. But the thing is he was still sober.

Modern research shows the same thing. People who are sponsored, not sponsored or don't sponsor have about the same chance of staying sober. However the odds of permanent recovery improve dramatically for those who sponsor. I see it myself. It is the sponsors who stay sober. The rest are just a passing parade.

Are you an alcooholic? If you are not, you have no business in AA. But, if when you drink you have little control over the amount you take (phenomenon of craving) or if, when you really want to you are unable to stop altogether (the obsession of this time will be ok) you are probably alcoholic. That's it, obsession of the mind and phenomenon of craving. It has nothing to do with our stories, which are all different. If you are trying to identify with the stories, you are looking in the wrong place.

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Fyne Spirit

Walking with curiosity.
Evian


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I am new here.  After reading your post the thing that junmped out to me were the words "maybe I am not an alcoholic".  While the rest of your post centered on your sponsor/ sponsee history, what scares me for you were the words you snuck in there.  Alcohol is very patient...it plants seeds in us and grows.  Eventually the alcoholic vine will wrap itself around you if you aren't very vigilant with your program.  It's a warning from one who after 27 years of soberity asked myself the same question and found myself in the nightmare of addiction once again.

 



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Evian
Pythonpappy


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Welcome to MIP Evian, ...

Good post, my story is similar ... and it's much better on the sober side of life ... that is a fact I had to learn for myself ...



Love ya and God Bless,
Pappy



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NewDaniela


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congrats for staying sober....not everyone is meant to become a sponsor...I' personally don't want to be one ...Had sponsor once,but none right now....enjoy your freedom from alcohol.>.Not your fault if someone relapse

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Daniela Pavelkova
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