Two nights ago I was struggling to fall asleep when I dug out a big book from my basement. It's probably the first time I have read out of this particular big book in a long time, seeing that I have numerous big books, ones from rehab, jail, half-way houses etc. Anyways this particular book came from my first rehab. I went into rehab already having experience with the steps and AA. Anyways, everyone from rehab had signed my book a few years ago and when I opened the book the other nite I was shocked. I was reading what was written in the book and I couldn't believe my eyes. I had so much trouble even remembering who these people were in the first place. It turns out that I must have impacted these peoples lives in a good way. There were so many comments in the book about how I helped my friends out in there that it was hard to believe that I really did that. It's like I don't even know that person (me) anymore. I am the same person, it's just that my outlook upon life is different now. I'm in a position where I'm depending upon my family to support me, and being 33 years old this is not the easiest task to accomplish. My license is gone due to too many dui's from my younger days. I want alot of things to change in my life. God doesn't care about this. My God cares about getting my needs met. I have a roof over my head and several places to go to get help for my problems. I hate the fact that it's always in His time, not my own. I haven't touched alcohol or drugs since June of last year but part of that is that I was forced to quit (jails, institutions, and death) and I haven't worked a good program in over a year. I have meetings to go to at nite once a day, even though I want more meetings. Again my needs are being met. I have so much experience with this program but when it comes to practicing it in my every day life, well that's another story. I've heard AA described as both a selfish and a self-less program. Both apply. Right now it has to be about me. The only people I can help are the people with long term sobriety just by showing up every day for meetings and contributing to the meetings about my views on topics that are discussed. I've learned that if I don't open my mouth and talk at meetings I leave the same way I came in, which is almost always a bad thing. If your still reading this I must be making some kind of sense. (laugh) I really like this message board. I guess I'm just trying to let you guys get to know me a little bit. I feel comfortable posting in here. I guess I will shut up now. Ha Ha. Peace!!
Oh it makes sense ok ! A while back I was speaking to a man, he's 17 years sober which is great. However I thought I knew him and I did, He got my Dad sober who died 33 years sober. He said he just couldn't get any long term time. U know 1 yr,- 9 mo,- 2 yr,- 6 mo and would be back out. I remember my dad saying how he helped a lot of people. After I relapsed, I was out for 7 years, and a man remembered me and told me how much I helped him sober up years before. You never know who the messenger is *Young, Old, New, Old Timer.
That was a lot of sharing from the heart, thank you. I had 10 years of Relapsing before the door stopped swinging in and out, I think I broke the hinges. HaHa. Anyway, could relate to all the faces, and friends we have, then lose, when we return to Drinking, then come back and see them and try to remember them, and I usually would, there they were with 5 years, or 4 years or 7 years, and there I was as a newcomer. But you know, the loving people, never judged me, they just offerred a big Welcome. Not even welcome back, Just Welcome, hope you will stay.
And could relate so much to what you said about the Meetings, if I don't raise my hand and just say whatever is going with me, I will leave the meeting in the same place I walked in with, and I do know that I want something from the meeting, and it is there when I listen, but I hear more clearly, when I participate. Strange how that happens, never fails though.
I love how you can articulate all that you are going thru, "straight from the heart", make me feel so much promise, for you and me both.
Thank You for being here, we are all Miracles here, and we have good days and then have some bad days, but they both pass, good ones and bad ones. Life on Life's Terms.
I have a special Prayer for you, you give me so much hope, I have a son in Prison with a Dual Diagnosis, and very much like you, did not understand what was underneath the Alcohol and Major heavy drug use, until it was too late. But you give me Hope for my beloved Son. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that.
Now he takes medication for that Diagnosis, and his letters are so full of hope in his own life, even from that confinement. I always cry when I hear his brave words, and they are tears of Happiness mixed with sadness of course, but mostly happy tears.
Thank you for just being Justin, Lots of Love is sent your way as you work this Program.
But yu know...? Every morning when I wake up...Im a newcommer...because its the start of a new day...
There was a time when I used to think I was Mr AA....
Well through the course of getting knocked in the head..from the guy up above...he took my ego and false pride..and smashed it to smitherines..a number of times..
And really..all He was saying was "get humble..so you can learn Stupid!! "Because your learning journey has just begun..and it will never end...as long as you are breathing..and dont drink..
Its guys like yourself..that keep me humble..and I learn from you...and all the other newcommers on the board...
You give us more than you think you do...
Keep on truckin Buddy..and keep commin...
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
wow... a lot of good shares on this thread. Thank you all for your humble honesty,,, that,, no matter how long we've been in recovery, or how many times,, we are all still learning,,, and the way to learn how to Love is by practicing it, and we're practicing it on each other,,, and sharing what we're learning about it as we go,,, and sometimes bumping heads, but that is part of it too.
God bless everyone,
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
