Many times when bad things happen to us, part of our initial emotional response is to start weeping inside because we are hurting. That hurt may be prolonged, at times totally over-shadowing any significant lesson we can learn from such unfortunate situations. We always forget that the realities of life are made up of many pleasant and unpleasant incidents. Nobody is afraid to celebrate success under normal conditions. While we are busy blowing such trumpet we quickly forgets about the possibility of failure. When we later crash and our walls start to collapse, we cannot tolerate the emotional pains of those unfortunate experiences. But, if we can pull back a little from our hurt after a period of time, we can always learn from these bad incidents.
Sometimes we need to go through those painful experiences to make us learn those social and emotional skills needed for survival in similar situations. Consequently, when bad things happen to us, they can offer powerful elements of learning and growth.
Many of us will fight the bad things of life because of the emotional colorfulness of going through such experiences. Often, we don't realize the reason for feeling pain. Painful experiences such as death within the family, loss of job or business, or relationship failure, to mention a few, sometimes remind us of the good times.
Life is made up of many challenges, and the way we choose to deal with these situations will dictate the outcome of events in our lives. Nothing is guaranteed in life. Consequently, it is unfair to life itself when we spend a long period of time lamenting over unfortunate things that happen to us.
Getting Over Emotional Trauma
Any misfortune or loss in life may be emotionally traumatic. The outcome depends on how we react to the events. Initially, we must try to hurt and experience the emotional pain of hurting. Don't bottle up the pain inside where it has power to start destroying you from within. Admit you are hurting; don't be in denial. Learn to accept your situation. Blaming somebody or yourself or the system will do you no good. It is important to find out what the error is, and learn strategy for correction, if it is correctable. This way, it will be a learning experience and not a blame game. Yes, when we blame others, we feel better because we try to shift our responsibility to take corrective action to somebody else or the institution. As a result, we can become embittered and entrapped by anger, depression and impotence of action.
Whatever happens to us, we must learn to hurt, to heal and to overcome without anger or bitterness. Each stage may take a different time for different people. We should, however, not surrender ourselves to depression. The event may well be somebody else's fault, but human strength comes from taking charge of one's own life.
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
i GUESS THERE IS HEALTY PRIDE IN ACCOMPLISHMENT AND A HEALTHY LEVEL OF EMOTIONAL PAIN IN FAILURE. LIKE--JOB--WELL DONE--WON'T DO THAT AGAIN.
DEPRESSION IS A NEW BALL GAME. I COULD SEE A BIG FAILURE TRIGGERING ONE. ON THE OTHER HAND. I DON'T THINK IT DEPENDS ON HOW I ACT IF I'LL BE DEPRESSED OR NOT. JUST LIKE NOW GET UP OFF THE COUCH AND GET OUT OF THAT DEPRESSION DOSEN'T WORK FOR THIS GUY.
I suffer from depression and anxiety, and my huge issue is not necessarily dealing with failure, but the fear of failure. Plus, the way I was brought up, if you weren't going to do something perfectly, you just didn't even try. When my depression starts to come back those two factors mix to make sure I don't get out of bed.
I know the things I need to do, but willing my mind and body to do it seems like a feeble task. Right now I'm back on meds, seeing my doctor, going to a therapist, and trying to make sure I don't skip meetings. (Okay, I did last night, but I've been better for the most part.)
It's so weird...having your mind fight against you when you're trying to heal. It can be so frustrating. I just have to have faith in myself and in following the right path--it shall pass, and it gets better. It always has before, and my higher power has always had a good plan before.
This reminds me of an article I read many years ago about the Fear of Failure.
The Article stated that the Fear of Failure is identical to the Fear of Success.
That was a "head scratcher" for weeks to me, then my only conclusion was: It is not about the
Fear of Failure or the Fear of Success, It is ONLY about the FEAR. Just the impression I came away with.
When I came into AA, and began tackling my work in Recovery with the 12 Steps of this Program, completing the most gigantic ones, the Fourth Step, doing the Fifth Step. Doing these the first time, motivation was real simple, I did not want to return to Drinking, I was willing to do whatever I need to do, so the Fear of the Fourth and Fifth Step, were less of a fear than returning to being an active Drunk. That was the Biggest Fear I have ever known. And a Good Healthy Fear is was and is still today.
After completing the 4th and 5th step, for the first time, I could see later that year, it was not the details of those steps, that were going to get me, it was the Alchohol that was going to get me, if I did not do the work.
Sometimes I can feel fear creeping back into my life, in little sublte areas, and have to tackle them as they come up. I today have an understanding that of course they are going to come up, my entire life was FEAR based, and that is what was "familiar to me", and I have to do the work, using my Faith in a Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, to actively go after and overcome fears when they arise.
Good thought provoking stuff in this subject Phil, so thank you, and hope your life is getting just a little back on track for you.
Hugs to both of you, not both of your brain cells Phil, (that you claim) haha, but to the other Poster whose name i cannot pronouce.
Yes...Fear....Big ones have dissappeared...thank goodness..
Those voices...sometimes..they throw a really big party eh? .... I yell at them..in the middle of the street to "Shut Up!!!" and pedestrians look at me funny...then of course...They do that anyway....hmmm...Paranoia....Always watching for guys wearing white coats....Im not going back to that place!!! It was fun..bouncing off the padded walls tho...but the food sucks...theres no menu..
Have a few healthy fears today...It took a while...
Like......Look OUT!! Another turnip truck...in the distance...take a different street...
Health?..on the way back up...another week or so...should do it...
If they take any more blood...Im going to hafta go looking for more...Is there a full moon tonight?
Anyway..enough babbling from this end today....
Got people to do..and things to see...Chow for now eh?
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Life is short..Live it sober to the fullest...One day at a time...
I struggled with depression for many years,, and fear of failure, and I thought anything imperfect was failure.. so I failed alll the time.
There is a verse in the Bible that says, "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones", and it is true,, depression affects our bodies and our physical health,,, and joy does too in a different way. That was the thing that Bernie Siegal found out about cancer, and started a program that deals with strengthening the immune system through lifting up the spirits. We have a mind-body connection. Many cultures have wholistic medicine,,,, but our culture 'Western' medicine has separated the two. The old sayings about dieing of fear, or pining away,, and languishing are true, as well as the sayings that it is the people who are inwardly at peace and in loving relationships that are the healthiest. But I find that I cannot control that... I can try to do positive thinking,, but I have to really turn that over to God,, which helps right there.
I used to be more Janis Joplin,, despairing, believing that things were hopelessly horrible. It has been work to develop an 'attitude of gratitude', and mine centers on the belief that this is not all there is,,, and that there is a loving God who is working things out,, and in heaven. That is my hope, and what keeps me going through all the mess. And trying to look at the glass as half full instead of only half empty... to see the full part.
About failure.. I am at a point now, 60 years old, that I can look back at my life and all my 'failures' and disappointments with a different perspective than when they were first happening,,, when I had all kinds of ambitions and expectations. I can see now that it was all my will, or my father's will, or society's idea of success,,,, but those things were not God's will for me. God had other ideas, and I know that I am supposed to be right exactly where I am right now... in this city, sitting at this keyboard, and sharing this with y'all.
There is a Johnny Cash song, "Like a Soldier",, I'm gonna write the lyrics here:
Artist/Band: Cash Johnny Lyrics for Song: Like A Soldier Lyrics for Album: American Recordings
With the twilight colors falling And the evening laying shadows Hidden memories come stealing from my mind As I feel my own heart beating out The simple joy of living I wonder how I ever was that kind
But the wild road I was rambling Was always out there calling And they said a hundred times I should have died But now my present miracle Is that you're here beside me So, I believe they were roads that I was meant to ride
Like a soldier getting over the war Like a young man getting over his crazy days Like a bandit getting over his lawless ways Every day is better than before I'm like a soldier getting over the war
There were nights I don't remember And there's pain that I've forgotten Other things I choose not to recall There are faces that come to me In my darkest secret memory Faces that I wish would not come back at all
In my dreams parade of lovers From the other times and places There's not one that matters now, no matter who I'm just thankful for the journey And that I've survived the battles And that my spoils of victory are you
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
"Yes, when we blame others, we feel better because we try to shift our responsibility to take corrective action to somebody else or the institution. As a result, we can become embittered and entrapped by anger, depression and impotence of action."
Oh, how true this is. A little over a year ago, my beautiful daughter, a meth addict, went to prison for taking the life of her dealer, for profit. Talk about old habits dying hard!!! It was stinkin' thinkin' from the gate. My mental finger was pointed at her father almost as fast as the bat came out that I beat myself with. " If if if". I was a mental whirling dervish for weeks. In fact, at times it will still hit me (like, every week) and I have to release it all over again. I went into a mental fetal position while trying to deal with this inconceivable thing. And the blame game was exactly where I went, even knowing better! It was one hell of a reality check for me, and really let me know how complacent I had gotten, to jump back into a behavior that I thought I'd left behind years ago. Since complacency is what it is, the message in all this for me was to go back and do another self inventory. Not the one I do each night, but one that dragged out all the things that I'd let slip into denial status. Of course there are warning signs that this was going on, but I'd get all uppity with "what the hell, Ive stayed sober x number of years, so I must have it down pat" cr**. My sponsor told me once that alcoholics are "egomaniacs with an inferiority complex". How right she was.
Another valuable lesson in this was----------I can only take true responsibility for myself. After a certain age, my children will do what they do. I can only be here for them when they express their needs to me. My daughter knew my door was always open to her if she needed me. It was open even if she didn't need me. So I had to sit down and look at how I internalize the actions of those around me, how quickly my mind reverts to martyrdom when something happens that's bad and my natural reaction is self-blame and to blame others secondly.
I must continually "become willing" to allow myself to just hurt, or feel things, for no other reason than that it hurts! I need to seperate my needs from my wants, allow myself some humanity, some room for error, and if I hurt, if I'm sad, then those are the things I need to feel. Nobody gave me a certificate when I came to AA that I would be superwoman and have all the answers, could combat the waves of pain that come with living! Am I willing to strive in the right direction? You bet. But the journey doesn't end---striving is the Path I follow, not the destination. And sometimes just letting go a day at a time, as each thing arises, is the only way I can live and pray I stay sober just for today. Wren
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Funny, isn't it, how friends and a Power greater than ourselves can neutralize nightmares?
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