No, actually Fluffy, I have been sitting in my chair thinking about what you've written. Honestly? It made my heart ache, and it made my stomach roll. It took me back to the times I sat in my living room and watched as my oldest son tried to take care of his little sister and brother because I just couldn't on that particular afternoon. I remember the husband that loved me so much coming home from work to me too drunk to fix him a meal, and how patiently he would fix supper, feed the kids, give them their baths, and put them to bed because " Mommy isn't feeling too good tonight". I thought of how I pushed him away, even though I loved him, because I didn't believe I deserved him or my beautiful children. And at the time, couldn't conceive of changing my life in such a way that I could deserve them. It was because I didn't have the grasp of how to believe in myself and my relationship with my Higher Power. And because I truly didn't know, I left them before they could ( I thought) leave me, and told myself I was doing us all a favor. Well, I wasn't. But it took me a few more years to find that out.

A dozen times a day, sometimes, I turn my self-will over to the care of my Higher Power. I have to. And some days my relationship with my HP is such that I feel our relationship to be totally symbiotic. There is no division between us. I went thru weeks where I've gotten up in the morning and sworn that I couldn't deal with another day, but managed to by not allowing myself to take a drink. And I have weathered the insanity that life sometimes brings to us all. There were surely times where I strongly doubted that there was a higher power anywhere in the known universe, and so I have simply trusted in the void, literally, and refused that first drink. Because I've always known that first drink would steal away the rest of my life, and I probably wouldn't even know it was happening.  Call a close friend and get to a meeting. Even if you can't hear at this point, get there, hold on, and don't drink. So simple, yet nearly impossible, eh? But it is the only thing that ends the insanity. But no, you are not alone and I truly am feeling what you're going thru right now.  Wren  ps: my apologies, Flumpy, I got a bit rattled there and got your name wrong....