Don't know if anyone remembers me and/or my last posts around new years. My wife was the binge drinker that drinks until she pukes 3 to 4 times a year. she is thai, i'm amerikan [just for the record].
maybe i'm generalizing, but having lived in asia for the last 13 yrs i feel that i can honestly say that asians have their own brand of alcohol disfunction, typicaly like my wife, who is mostly sober, reserved and self controled, but give her an occasion [birthday party, new years, and this last time a Buddhist temple fund raising event] and she will drink until she pukes and drops.
the last new years episode was quite messy as i over reacted and almost let her bait me into violence. looking back now, maybe that was her intention. i dragged her into the shower to sober up and wash the puke off her. that was last year..........
thanks to members on this post, i tried a different, totally non violent approach.
this latest episode, i maintained my self control, when she returned from the fund raising drunk, but horny. [horns make the man a little more forgiving] but after a sloppy copulation, i reached for the towel and it was full of puke. you can immagine how much of a turn off that was!!
but, i still kept my cool and didn't react as i usually do. i allowed her to puke her guts out, enjoying each gut renching retch that she was going thru, hoping that she would maybe remember the pain and humiliation. my only reaction was to refuse to let her sleep in our bed.
this morning we didn't speak as we both knew that it could become 'nuclear'. i had a sleepless night and feel like s---. my hangover without drinking!!
not speaking all day, but THINKING AND THINKING, i decided a diferent approach. BRIBERY [or call it motivation]. i finally broke the ice by expressing my disgust and anger and tried my usual usless demands that only got thrown back in my face [an asian trick is to reverse blame]. then i had my brainstorm and offered her a BRIBE, or i should say offered her family a bribe. in asia, old fashioned family values still exist and the daughters [and sons] feel deep obligations to their families [and extended families] almost to a fault. i can never do enough for them, altho i have given until it hurts.
to make a long story short, i offered her family a generous new years gift if she can remain totally sober for a year. she smiled her first smile of the day and agreed. i even wrote it on the calendar. i will inform the family so they can give her encouragement.
I THINK IT MIGHT HELP HER FIGURE OUT IF SHE'S GOT A PROBLEM. IF ALCOHOLIC, THERES NOT MUCH OF A CHANCE STAYING SOBER FOR A YEAR. SHE HAS TO FIGURE OUT IF HER DRINKING IS A PROBLEM. IT'S DOSEN'T REALLY MATTER IF U THINK IT IS. I GUESS YOU GAVE HER A LITTLE MOTIVATION. I KNOW IT WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED WITH ME. A WEEK OR TWO WAS A BIG DEAL UNTIL I WAS READY
I think it is a good deal that you decided to stop the rough treatment, which is negative, and try some kind of positive reinforcement. Though maybe a lot of consistent small ones will work as well as the big one. It is hard to think I'd have to do something for a whole year,,, This is a day by day program, sometimes minute by minute.. a year is an awfully long time. That is not to say give her a lot of money next week.
Reversing blame is a human trick, and not only Asian. Effective communication is a very important part of a marriage, and it goes both ways. Have you tried marriage counseling to help you two communicate and sort things out and get into some kind of understanding and commonness?
Wow, yep,,, that's a real turn-off alright. It's prolly good that you did less 'caretaking' when she got sick, and just let her go through her consequences. Now, again, it might be helpful to consult with a counselor that understands alcoholism and can help you to understand things like the difference between 'helping' and 'enabling',, and 'codependency' and things that are behind the symptom of drinking.
I'm glad you posted here again too. Have you checked out the alanon board?
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
thanks to both you guys for the quick replies...... i remember your kind advise from before, amanda and good to hear yours rick. one thing that it may be hard for you guys from the west to understand about asia [or i should say asians] is this whole culture thrives on DENIAL. not saying that as a put down, but a reality that i've had to learn to deal with over the years.
and personal problems are the first thing that they deny. one of you mentioned alanon and during my last 'episode', i was refered to alanon and tried to make contact and it seems that they have a very small presence here in this whole country of 70+ mil people. i've come to the conclusion that even the expats here are in denial, therefore very few alanon or AA meetings. i hope that i'm not imposing on this forum, but i feel that i have made a few friends that have helped me in the past.
it's a cultural phenomena that may take generations to catch up with the west. mental health and psychology is not the booming business that it is in the 'real world'. denial is the key word here in a third world where their main concern is just putting rice on the table and the men will spend their whole week's earnings on a night out.
and here i am, trying to impose my western ways on these 'simple folks' that i love, but agrivate me to no end when it comes to 'my' reality, or 'my' value system.
for 13 yrs, it's been mostly this clash of cultures, but i love them and my lifestyle here because under their obvious shortcommings, they seem to be much more happy and smile much more than western folks. that's why i suffer the insanity...... but at home, i do appreciate some respect and have very few 'rules'. simply good manners, trust and self control....is that too much to ask?? especially when i'm paying the bills for the whole extended family??
Gudheartedguy, It's good to see you back and to hear that you are trying a different approach from the violence. My experience is that we can offer the alcoholic all kinds of incentives, we can threaten, beg, plead,detach, ...but it all comes down to the alcoholic surrendering their will to a Higher Power, and I'm not it.
If your wife is an alcoholic, I doubt that the plan will work. I know you said you looked for face-to-face Al-anon meetings, but did you go to the Al-anon site here on MIP? I would suggest you go there and read, read and read some more and post.You will find many men and women there going through what you are.I visit there often, as I told you before my husband is an alcoholic, I am an adult child of an alcoholic, and who do I deal with everyday in my life ....other Alcoholics in varying degrees of the disease and recovery.I think if you will try the Al-anon board you will find an understanding from a group of people who are right where you are today.
Have you heard that you didn't cause the Alcoholism, you can't control it, and you can't cure it...the 3 C's.You will learn about detaching with love, how to handle expectations, acceptance...
Keep coming here, let us know how things are going.There is hope and you are in the right place...we are all in this together.
DENIAL!!!! that's the key word here in asia and IMHO the main reason that AA doesn't work here. the last thing my wife [or most thai's] would do is admit that they have a problem. alcohol is socially acceptable, available everywhere and it is the poor man's opiate, and the rich man's status symbol. it's cheap [minimal taxes] and not regulated, with small shops and roadside vendors selling shots to anyone who can reach the counter.
or in my latest episode, it was available and flowing freely at a Buddhist temple fundraising. is it hypocracy when lots of money was spent on alcohol that never made it to the fund raising that it was supposed to be for??
anyway, knowing thais, i would never expect my wife to admit her problem with alcohol........
and i realize that my bribe is only a band-aid and she may make it a year with that $$ 'motivation', then there is next year.
We can't tell you 'what to do'. You have to decide that. We can share with you our experience, strength and the hope we have gained through the AA 12 Step program.
gudhearted,, I am not White. I am mixed. I am a mix of American Indian and European-American ancestry. I was raised in two cultures,, some of which was a positive experience, and a lot of which was culture clash and chemical 'medication'.
I was in a poor barrio in the Dominican Republic for 5 years, feeling my own experience there of being far from home and the language and customs that I was at least familiar with. I understand a lot of what you are saying, and it is not an easy answer.
I understand that there are not a lot of 12 Step meetings there,, and so we are suggesting that you talk with the alanon people on this site.. if you look to the upper left of this main page, you will see a yellow box . Click on the top item "MIP home page". You will see all the rooms there, including this one and the alanon one,, and the Step Work board on the top right. I think you will be very surprised at the common ground you hve with other alanon people. And, as Rose said,, you are very welcome to keep coming here and sharing with us too. And, if my experiences with other cultures can be helpful to you,, you may certainly private message me. We can give you the suggestions to keep coming here, and check out our alanon message board, and they have online meetings.
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
