I read some very wise word recently that I feel say alot about my feelings, quite possibly the feelings of most alcoholics:
"In early sobriety I wanted desperately to be a part of the group. It was difficult for me, and all newcomers, to break in. I remember riding a bus for an hour to go to a beach party I had been invited to. I went all the way to South Boston, walked to the beach, saw everyone having a blast... and went home with my tail between my legs. My first thoughts: "They don't want me... they don't like me... etc." The reality...They had invited me.
Our acoholic minds love to play games with us. Despite years of step work, tons of meetings, and the best relationships I've ever had, I still fall prey to the old "I'm not one of them, they don't want me..." mentality. I've got to work hard to overcome this. Can I? Will I? Maybe... but in the meantime, I've got to remember that members of this group have welcomed me.. "
I know that I have always had to battle with the feeling that others look at me and what I have to say as unimportant.
The new way that I have found, through better understanding my higher power, myself, and my place in this universe, has taught me that none of that matters. It is the ME syndrome that will kill me. I can relax, be myself, care for others, and not worry whether they care back. Whether they do or do not give a gnat's nards for me doesn't stop the sun from shining, or trees from being green and sky from being blue.
"And, in the end... the love you take, is equal to the love you make."- The Beatles
"Love and let yourself be loved." - an old hippie in North Dakota
PS - Helen, you and I have much in common with all these folks...a desire (no,,,a deadly desparate need) to stop drinking, and also-a need to feel accepted/loved (even when we act irrascible and curmudgeonly and sometimes appear to be clique-ish and aloof).
I appreciate your post, and am glad to see your perspectives,, thanks.
Me, I came to AA because I had a serious problem, and the program offered a method of solving it. I didn't attend meetings to try to be popular, or to please anyone there. I came to learn the program and to start working it. I do try to choose groups that are positive and constructive, and that are really working the program. I tend to avoid groups that are stuck on personalities before principles.
That's my take on it,
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
Really enjoyed your honesty. I agree many years, many meetings, and that old thinking can come back in a heartbeat, I am not liked, do not fit in, need to never come back here. Like your beach party.
I have to work, just like you on my relationship with God, then the other stuff, real or imagined, does not dominate my thinking, I can be free, or rather indifferent to what people may or may not think, of what I am saying.
When we share at meetings, I think for the most part, we are all speaking from our hearts, not our heads, (Thank God), and we never even really know what it may sound like, when it is coming straight from the heart. It is a speaking meeting with NO rehersals. And we all do really o.k.
Glad to hear that we have to continue to work, learn, and then work and learn more, it doesnt ever get real easy, maybe its not suppose to.
