My opinion...Some say ..that once youve done 4 and 5 once...thats the end of it..I disagree with that.. there can be layers of that onion...that are still there...regardless of how much time..one has in this program..
Suppressed stuff..that we arent even aware of...and step 10..just does not do it..
Ive talked with a lot of long time sobriety members...and the general conclusion..I get is...that a lot of AAs have to go back and take the engine apart..periodically..instead of just changing the oil....and maintaining it...
Ive seen AAs...that say..."Ive done 4 and 5 thoroughly..and thats the end of it...
Ive seen those same AAs fall on their ass...when the shit hits the fan..and triggers some of that suppressed and buried stuff...that was never uncovered and dealt with..in the first place...even tho they thought it was...Im one of them..
Anyway..my thoughts only....
This week...I had to let a guy go...work related..
This guy has seen me through sickness..divorce....held me up when I didnt want to go on....and been like a brother..
I was also his sponsor...and had to do a lot of Letting go and Letting God..
Still hasnt fully accepted Step one...
And I had to put principles before personalities..
of course..he reacted...verbally...as was expected..but I had to blow it off..
Ive been delaying this decision..for quite a while..and finally..after conversing with a sponsor about it..one was made...
Another new driver in training...one going through cancer...
Sold part of this business..and expected more free time...well---more bookwork...and partner doesnt wish to be involved for another 17 months..
heavy load got heavier...
Lately---theres been a lot of anger..over things...just not going my way...and that anger has been directed where?
To the closest people around us...
They didnt diserve that anger..but they got it...
On stop...for a few days..and easy does it thing..just popping in to say "Hi"
When my anger is blocked I:
feel depressed and don't know why I'm so down. cry easily, even uncontrollably at times for no apparent reason. feel sad. find myself being chronically hostile, pessimistic, or unfriendly. can be very sarcastic, caustic, or cynical. find myself going in circles in regard to personal growth, with little hope for success in the future. deny that I even have anger. resent suggestions from others to work on my anger. am confused by what others describe as anger in their lives. refuse to accept that anger is an important tool for personal growth. joke about the value of anger in my life. resist those things that make me feel uncomfortable or ill at ease. experience physical distress. feel exhausted, weak, lethargic, or disinterested in life. am afraid of anger expressed in my presence.
What are blocks to anger?
Blocks to anger can be varied, including :
Fear of rejection. Fear that ``if I express anger I will be rejected by others.'' Need for approval. Wanting the approval and recognition from others so much so that I hesitate to ever show my anger around them.
Intimidation. Giving others power over me so great that I fear showing my anger in front of them, lest they get mad and make me pay a costly negative consequence. Not knowing what normal is. Never having experienced a ``normal'' life where anger was expressed in a healthy way inhibits not only my expression of anger but my recognition of it.
Need to keep the peace. Being compulsively driven to placate and appease others, I am never free enough to express my feelings of honest anger.
Desire to please others. Wanting to keep others happy, pleased and relaxed with me, I choose to avoid the expression of anger around them.
Dependency on others. Looking to others for approval and personal fulfillment, I suppress, ignore, and overlook any anger that arises in me as a result of the relationship.
Fear of going crazy. Believing that once I start expressing my anger I'd never stop, consequently I'd be out of control and labeled insane.
Need for control. Believing that all emotions must be continuously kept in check leads me to ignore, avoid, or overlook any anger that I or others in my life are experiencing.
Belief that anger is bad. Since I believe that all expressions of anger are bad, wrong, undesirable, and unhealthy, I believe that the way to be healthy is never to allow myself to get angry.
Naiveté or lack of knowledge. Being sheltered, ignored, pampered, spoiled, or overly coddled can protect me from anger in my life, leading me to believe innocently that there ``is never a reason to get angry.''
Guilt. Feeling such severe guilt, remorse, and self-denigration for past expressions of anger inhibits me from identifying, expressing, or experiencing current anger.
Depression. Experiencing a flat affect, lack of interest in life, lack of enthusiasm, or energy, or constant sadness can dull my emotional response to life, leaving me unable to experience or express authentic anger.
Pollyanna outlook on life. Wanting only to look at or remember the ``bright'' or ``happy'' side inhibits me from tuning into the realities of life, past or present, that deserve my anger.
Fear of conflict or confrontation. Recognizing that if I express my anger, I open myself up for others to disagree with, criticize, or confront me with their anger.
Desire to be a good role model. Believing that anger is unhealthy for our children, subordinates, or work colleagues I choose never to express anger in their presence.
Need to entertain or be humorous. Always wanting to keep others from focusing on the negative aspects of reality leads me to ignore, inhibit, or fail to experience anger. Lack of clarity about what is authentic anger. Always second guessing whether or not my feelings of anger are valid will eventually leave me in an anger vacuum
Feeling ridiculous. Considering anger work-out exercises to be silly, foolish, or childish will result in my inability to experience the true emotion of anger and its cathartic release during these therapeutic work-out sessions.
Overuse of medication. By addictive drinking, drug use, sex, gambling, food intake, shopping, etc., I can so medicate my emotional response to life that I am unable to recognize or experience authentic anger.
Why would anyone be unable to express anger?
Anger blocks are developed in many ways, including: living in a dysfunctional family of origin. being the codependent of a troubled person, one addicted to alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, etc. experiencing a traumatic life event perceived as being caused by the expression of anger. getting no positive response to my past expressions of anger. the resistance to change in life. the unwillingness to be open to alternative modes of expressing feelings. a lack of desire to become vulnerable and unmask anger for what it really is. insecurity in my life, in my relationships, in my family, or at work. a lack of trust that others will accept me the way I really am. a sense of inferiority: my feelings are not important; I don't deserve to express negative feelings; I can't say how I feel if I want to be accepted; I really never know how I feel anyway.
How can blocks to anger be overcome?
Blocks to anger can be overcome by: self-confrontation as to how I am feeling about the negative aspects of my past and current life. giving myself permission to take the risk of making a fool of myself by participating in anger work-out activities. keeping a daily log of my feelings including how my day has been, and recording the negative aspects and my feelings about each one. role playing an angry confrontation in a caring environment with my support group. yelling at the top of my lungs to loosen up emotional expression whenever I'm driving. learning to be assertive. expressing my negative feelings appropriately to the others in my life. working on my self-esteem and self-worth so that I believe it is OK for me to be angry redefining anger as a necessary tool for my personal growth and improved mental health. accepting that anger is a necessary step in grieving and accepting the losses in my life. reminding myself that I deserve the benefits of the expression and resolution of authentic anger.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Hey Phil, Sorry you are going through a hard time right now, but thanks for the honest share.
I always pray for God to show me things that may not have come to the surface. When He does then it's time to work through it...could be another 4th and 5th step. I will never be done working all of the steps. Had to get up this morning and do 1,2,and 3 again.Somedays are easier than others...today I will do it all sober.
Ya know, a lot of people confuse frustration with anger, cuz sometimes they go together,,, but not always.
The classic example is the vending machine that doesn't work. Ya put your money in, and the product doesn't come out. Last year this happened to a guy while I was seated next to the machine, and he started yelling and swearing and kicking the machine,,, scary. I like to watch people,,, like Candid Camera. Another person comes up and puts the money in and nothing comes out,,, and she takes the phone number of the company down to give them a call and report the machine and get her money back, which is much more likely to get a better result than breaking the machine further. Another person comes in, puts the money in,,, waits,, jiggles the machine, looks here and there to try to figure out what the problem is,,, and then decides to let the whole thing go and leaves. Another person comes in and puts some money in,,, gets nothing,,, and decides to put money in again,, hoping it will work this time,, which it doesn't and so they put more money in, and it still doesn't work, an example of doing the same thing and expecting different results.
Frustration... a doctor once mentioned my son's 'low frustration tolerance', an interesting concept. How much frustration can we take and cope with before we go bananas? or drink? or get depressed? What are some ways that we can deal with frustration in situations in which we don't get what we want after some effort?
I agree about doing the Steps again... and 4 and 5 lead to 6 and 7. I find that in doing all four of these I do continue to learn and grow, and there is no end. And the slogans, 'do your best and God does the rest',,, and 'easy does it',,
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
