I am having a troubled time-I have been going to meetings for 34 years-i relapsed in '99
I just celebraed my 6th year. tonight. I should be happy but the last 6 years have been a night mare. I watched my brother perish in the 9/11 =wtc bldg 1. I survived that with out drinking-last august I watched my wife past away from ovarian cancer-she went through hell for 53 days. I got through that with the help of my group. I was a single dad and I got my children-to raise after my wife ran off with my sponsor. I got through that with the help of AA. they are all raised and on their own-my boys have a number of resentments toward me-they feel that if I was not an alcoholic-my wife would never have met my sponsor and went to AA. They aare not kids they are all in thier early 40's. They still bring up stuff from the past.
I want to get to the point. I now am alone and I am going through the new experience of life. I am finding out that I have always taken care of my family-did all the jobs-a single mother had to bare. That was an eye opener for me. Doing a woman's job and playing dad too. Now that I am alone-I find that I have a hard time-taking care of me-I am a good cook but I don't cook for me. I fail to take care of all the little things my wife, did for me-appointments -giving me meds on time -some times I do not take care-to even take them. What I am saying is that alcoholics often do great jobs of helping others and a poor job of taking care of themselves-I found out, this is common.
Now I am tired and lonely and find that I need the company of a women to just talk to and get to know-my daughter told me to go on the internet and see if I can email a sober female companion. I tried to go to chat rooms and sober alcoholic networks. but I get no response to my emails. I have not shared the troubles, that I did here-that certainly would not attrack a woman, who needs to hear all this experiences, I know that I am taking a big risk typing this on the board. I have been in AA for 34 years-never went without a meeting. more then 7 days-wether I relapsed, or not. That is why I am alive today-I owe my life to AA-more serious situations happened to me in sobiety-than when I drank. I want to be happy and move on.
I celebrated my sixth last night, I was very upset, my wife was not by my side. Here it is 6:30 in the morning I have been up all night -I am tired and lonely and very much in need of some good advice. My typing leaves a lot to be desired-please excused it- Do me a favor-I need sincere sharing - not AA jargon-or wise remarks. If you think this a cry for pity-that is the last thing I need. Thanks for letting me share this with the people that are truly sober and understand -.I hope that all that reads this has a good day and please stay sober.
Boy Jack...Thats one "H" of an honest share..buddy..and congrats on your 6th..
And welcome..Im Phil..
I have 3 kids...that Ive been responsible to..for quite a while...and their Mother walked out the door..into the fast lane..with a guy I had sponsored..in the past...
Then I went into another marriage..which Im not going in to detail about..
Today..Im on my own..22nd year sober...a 22 year old..and a 16 year old at home..and a 23 year old...on his own..all are doing great..
Never really been on my own in my life...and yup..always doing for others..and the last few months..its been a real struggle some days..to take care of me..instead of everything and everyone else first..
But have worked through it..and today its ok..
Depression was a biggy..loneliness was a biggy...regrets ...and all that yesterday stuff was another biggy...
All my life Ive been so used to having someone at my side...I never really knew how to live with me...or just be with me..if that makes any sense,,,
Female companionship...?
Well... I have many AA female freinds..likely as many as I do male freinds in the program..some of which are very close...
And as much as I would like to go into another relationship...I cannot..
Ive really got to take the time to have a relationship with Me for a while...
And yu know? Its not bad...once one gets used to it..:)
And yup..I dont cook much..and I hafta ask myself some days..Did I eat today? Did I shower today? and on it goes.:)
I know I can hook up with any girl I wish to..at anytime..to go to a movie..or out to dinner etc..But I cant..
Im too damned vulnerable..and will likely expect more..and fall in love the first day...
Which is nothing more than an emotional need ..on my part...
Gotta get rid of that shit..still healing from the past..and still learning to live with me...
If My Higher Power wishes me to be in a mature loving relationship...He will take care of it..when He thinks Im ready..
IM NOT READY.:)
as for loneliness..? Ive got so much on my plate..theres hardly any time..to sit and chill...
Not saying Im a work a holic..but with business...kids...house...AA service work..and meetings..theres not much time left.:)
Some days ..I hafta force myself to put it all on stop..and get outa town...
And Im looking forward to retirement from a lot of it..in 17 months..God willing..one day at a time...
Well buddy...Ive rambled on enough...
You have a great day...would be great to hear from yu..IM in ontario Canada ehhh?
And my email address is philipld@sympatico.ca
Another day..and onward WE go...
__________________
Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Good shares this morning. Mid-winter. I always get cabin fever this time of year. Stuck in, depressed. Can't wait till spring so I can get out to my garden, and walk, and it stays light later.
Phil, I've been wondering how you are doing. Thanks for sharing. How is your health lately? good I hope.
Jack,,, everybody feels lonely sometimes, whether married or not. I agree with the previous posters about finding more general activities than to depend on one woman to fill our social needs. I have to admit though, for me, that doesn't quite do it. Sometimes I really physically want a man. lol but when I think about the whole thing, that has to be in the context of a while committed relationship,,, and that is not where I'm at right now. So, I just go on through my days, with what is in them, and not in them, as best I can.
About taking care of one's self,,, I can relate to that also. I was brought up to fill other people's needs and to ignore my own,,, I thought that I don't deserve to be cared for, etc. I am learning to love myself, in balance with love of God and neighbor.
I know of others, healthy people, who have become widowed and have to rearrange things, as the parts that the other person did are not done. It's big changes and high stress levels. Phil put up the 5 stages of grief recently and that might be helpful.
About online relationships. I've been there, done that, and found that things can get deeper than expected or wanted, can get kind of confused as we fill in some gaps with nice fantasies, and can be really painful when the relationship can't grow into what really fills our needs and the people move on. So, I don't do that any more. I do have some online friends and will continue that, but recognize their limits. Nothing replaces real physical up close for me. I do know some people who have met people who have turned into close companions though, so I guess different peoples' experience is different.
I'm glad you're here, and hope you will continue to fellowship with us here. I can't be your special online companion, but I can be one of your online fellowshipping friends.
love in recovery,
amanda
__________________
do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
When I read your Post, I felt for you, so many trials and tribulations to overcome. Makes me think of "He makes it to rain on the Just, and He makes rain on the Unjust"
Learning how to live alone after experiencing a loving relationship, is one of life's real stuggles. Seems like 'here comes another trial and tribulation in your life'.
My life has been riddled with different, but never the less the same "trials and tribulations". We look around and say to ourselves, why do some just seem to move thru life unscathed. No Answer comes.
I do not think there is an answer to that. but i do know when I have survived a life trauma, which I have experienced as a shattered heart, somehow, as Time, the Healer takes it on and slowly heals a broken, shattered heart, "Blessed are the Mourners, they shall be Comforted" seems to work its way into my broken heart, and I can only go forward, enjoying the freedom from that excuciating pain, and somehow, in the Mysterious Ways of my Higher Power, I can see a new, yet different prespective on Life.
Feels like I am now looking down a new road, not the old familiar one. And I am once again regaining a glimpse of what we need to go on in our lives, the vision of Hope, Mysteriously reappears.
When we are in the "middle" of it, Gratitude is difficult to grasp. But if we keep one foot in front of the other, go thur the Grief Process, which you can find on this site, I belive it is now on page 2 or page 3, "The Five Stages of Grief", (I found some comfort, in understanding where I was at in it) The glimpse of Gratitude will re-emerge. That has been my experience.
I have lived alone for almost 14 years now, and for the most part, I have enjoyed learning how to do that, without feeling lonely. When I went thru a divorce, several years ago, we wanted to stay together, we loved each other very much, but we had moved to an area, that was impossible for me to stay in, and impossible for him to leave. We remained friends, until he remarried, and I choose to terminate the friendship at that time, I felt it would not be healthy any longer.
I do not have any answers for you, just want you to know that you are NOT alone in what you are going through, and I hope that you just walk right through the middle of this, to the other side of it.
My prayers are with you.
My Best to you, and thanks for taking that 'risk' and coming here and sharing the pain you are in, I hope that someone will say something to you that you may find comfort in.
Hey Jack, I just want to say congratulations on your 6 years of sobriety, even though it was not the celebration you would have liked to have had, it was better than the alternative....sitting at home drunk. It's easy to stay sober during the good times, it's the tough times that make me know if I can do it then I can do it tomorrow.Life is bittersweet sometimes.
Everyone has shared a lot of their experience, strength and hope with you, great stuff. I have been lonely the last few years, my husband has been in and out of jail for felony DUI, I have gone through the empty nest thing when my son left home, I'm caring for my Mom...but there has always been one constant. That is I can always find an AA meeting or post on this board and know someone will be there.I hope you will keep coming here and let go and let God.
While reading what you had to say, Deep Depression came to mind. I don't know if you have sought out prof. help but , you might check it out.
Sure, here on this board we all get a little out of line and/or high and mighty. We're not perfect, just human, and a family of sorts. As far as I'm concerned you are more than welcome to hang out with the rest of us nuts and it sounds like you just might belong here.
Easy does it, don't quit before the miracle, and keep coming back.
