Results in: a feeling of wrong-doing, a sense of wickedness. The act was "not good". I acted, but acted wrong.

SHAME Results from: a failure, a falling short, a fault of being, the lack of the exercise of power, of control.

              Results in: feeling inadequacy, sense of worthlessness I am "no good". I didn't act at all (or too little)

The FEELING bad of guilt means a feeling about someone else's hurt I caused & I meant to do it.
The feeling BAD of shame means there is something wrong with me as a person, that I let myself be hurt because I was no good. No will.
     The FEELING bad of guilt concerned what I did.
     The feeling BAD of shame concerned what I was.
            FEELING bad about ones actions describes guilt.
            Feeling BAD about one's self is to experience shame.

In defining shame we can think of it as being the same as lack of self worth, of having no self esteem. It seems that "shame" is worse than these though, shame takes us to NEGATIVE self worth or self esteem. We not only do not have these virtues, we have "bad" or negative self esteem and self worth. T o get back to zero would be growth for us.

If we see ourselves as "Children of God" then how we assess our self worth and self esteem is a direct reflection of just how sure we are of ourselves as the "Children" and that we have a "Father God." To be completely sure of our relationship with God is to have exactly the amount of self worth we should have. The same is true for self esteem.

Since we are all "Children of God" or none of us are, it follows that if we have faith in our "God Father" we have faith in those "Children of His" that have shown themselves to be working within His will.

Since we have shame in early recovery we lack the degree of faith that is required for us to surrender our control issues, our desire to micro manage every facet of our lives, and let the "Goodness of the Universe" judge our actions.

What is necessary for recovery is that we take even the smallest spiritual actions and see that the "world of irrefutable laws" reacts favorable to them and rewards us. Step by step we build our esteem and self worth and are able to take larger and larger steps in our quest for spirituality.

If shame and guilt are experienced at the same time we should respond first to shame since it is the most damaging to our sobriety. It is shame far more than guilt that alcoholism has caused in our "self."

One of the more healing aspects of AA is that it focuses not on the act but on the person. AA teaches us to accept "self as feared" and in doing so we come to accept "self as is". We learn that our basic limitation is not that we are alcoholic but that we are human. To be human is to be limited.

In our drinking days we felt shame and tried to cover it up because it spoke of our limitations and we pretended to have no limitations. We drank to become more than what we were. We drank to become sexier, wealthier, prettier or more handsome and so on. We drank to feel powerful, without pain or anxiety; like God.

At other times we drank to become less than human (in our feelings) so we would not have to experience the pain and embarrassment of life. We would not have to make painful concessions and accommodate the feelings of our fellows. We drank to blot out both feelings and thought and is doing so became more like the beast within.

AA teaches us to understand that to be human is to have both God and beast in our beings. One of the many paradoxes of life is that the more we pretend to be God, the more we become like a beast (because of the things we do to cover up our pretensions). The more we share the feelings of being like a beast the more we become like Him (any time we share something its strength is cut in half, also "wheresoever two or more are gathered together in my name 'love', there I will be also.)

Shame can arise over a non-moral failing ( as well as a moral failing) non-moral failings are failure in business, love, sickness, lack of self esteem, abnormal fears, being too short-tall-fat-slender or some other physical deformity.

(2) it tends to surface from involuntary shortcomings ( I tried but failed or fell short, I loved her but she chose someone else, I got sick and cost my family time and money and I could not do what others could do. I was born defective.)

(3) shame is greater whenever the deed is smaller, even trivial. (He robbed the 1st National Bank with machine guns blazing so he is a "stud", but I robbed a paper boys machine at midnight for nickels--how small and cowardly can I be?

Guilt is a voluntary transgression or breaking of rule--Sure I robbed the damn bank, what of it?

Shame is the failing to take action, or failing to take enough action, (I saw them raping the girl from my window, but I did nothing to stop them, I didn't even call the police.)

The failure of not reaching a goal. (e.g. I was in the clear but too slow to score before they ran me down and tackled me.)
I tried my best to make a living but failed. The men were pinned under the wrecked car but I could not lift the car to free them.

I failed in quitting drinking. I even failed in limiting how much I was going to drink. I decided that if I had to drink, at least I would be polite and well mannered--and I failed in this also.

I failed in my relationships because of me drinking. My failure was so certain that I kept seeking "lower companionship." I began to dress like a slob and even let my personal hygiene go to hell so that I smelled.( all a part of the progression of shame)

I failed in delaying my drinking. Some occasions called for strict sobriety, like my sons baptism, but I was drunk anyway. How shaming it was for me to know that my fellows thought me a slob because I couldn't even wait till later to drink.

Guilt being voluntary points at having a choice, or making a decision to do the wrong. This implies that guilt is more closely identified with morality than shame. It follows that the greater the transgression the greater the guilt.

Shame is just the opposite. Shame---being involuntary---for the most part is not identified with sin or morality but with the shortcomings that come from being human. Now a longer look at love and sickness.

Failing at love is the most common source of non-moral shame. Disappointment , frustration or failure evokes shame. Why couldn't I make the pretty girl of my choice love me? Why couldn't I make her love me as I want to be loved? The perception of failing here is to invite shame.

The facts may be that she "fell" in love with someone else, that the failure to choice as I wanted her to was because of some character defect of hers. Her decision may have come from being raised differently. Her choice may come from many areas for many reasons having absolutely nothing to do with our attractiveness, desirability, or our character or personality. Her decision says absolutely nothing about us. It just means she sees things differently from us. The same applies to our friends and parents. It simply is beyond our capabilities to "make" someone love us. We only have the capacity to love, not the capacity to make someone love us.

To be sick is not to do wrong, to break rules, but for fall short, to be lacking (in health). Sickness means a relatively long or permanent sickness that makes one unable to function as a healthy person can. Particularly being bedridden and "needing" someone to care for us physically brings on shame. It shows our lack of total independence, our lack of total power and control. Good health is thought of as being normal. If I am sick there must be something wrong with my basic human makeup. Strong people don't get sick do they? Brave people don't get sick do they?

To be real (human) is to be limited. To be limited is to be real (human-not God). When we try to pretend we are limitless we are trying to play God. This brings the sense of falling short of what we are pretending to be and brings with it shame. To accept our limitations is to accept that we are human.

Freedom also proves our reality. Freedom is real but it is limited. For instance we are free to drink, but if we drink we have to give up many other things like job and family. So our freedom is limited. So to be limited, even in our freedom, is proof that we are real.

Guilt implies choice, the power of being able to make a decision and enforce it. Shame implies the lack of choice.
We can will the action but we cannot will the results. We can will to call our sponsor but we cannot will him to be at home or to tell us what we want to hear. We can will to go to a meeting but we cannot will ourselves to be sober.

We suffer shame by trying, and failing, to will what cannot be willed, results. We can will a loved one to love us but whether they choose to love us is beyond our will. That is their decision to make. We can will a prayer to be answered but God will decide when and if He is going to answer and what the answer will be. Sobriety, wisdom, humility, and courage are other examples of things beyond our will. We can will to do certain actions that will help us approach this ideal but if we try to grasp them with our will it is like squeezing sand. We defeat ourselves because we are trying to will a false premise.

Being human, not God, our independence is limited. It follow that we are dependent to a degree. We are dependent on others for their love, honesty, and their company. We are independent in whether we can ask them for what we need. Being inter-dependent, a healthy dependence on one another, is the very essence of living. Being dependent on alcohol to pretend to be independent is the kiss of spiritual death. It is what we were dependent on, alcohol, that gave rise to the shame. It was our need for it to pretend to be God, or something we knew we were not, that brought on shame.

The greater the transgression the greater the guilt. If I rob the First National Bank of 100 million dollars I am 100 million dollars guilty. The amount of guilt is proportionate to the size of the deed. Resolving the guilt means paying back 100 million dollars and apologizing for the deed but at least I was a macho man exercising decision making power and I took the money by force, perhaps with machine guns blazing.

Shame is greatest when the deed is the smallest. The triviality of the deed draws attention not to the deed but to the person who did it. What kind of person was I to rob a paper boys nickels from his paper rack to buy chasers for my whiskey? How very trivial and small of me. The meager size of the act draws attention not to the sixty cents I stole, but to what kind of person would steal such a small amount.

Since society helps keep us in bounds in terms of not doing criminal acts that bring on guilt we are far less likely be guilty of more than social acts against our fellows. Shame is different. In shame we can do monstrous damage with so small an act or with the failing to act at all. Failing to act when even a small act would result in much good for someone points out our shame, our lack of volition, of self direction.

Proportion has its effect. If I commit an act where I damage my fellow man much greater that the benefit that I receive I feel shame. The paper boy for instance worked hard for the sixty cents that was in the metal tube of his paper rack. This money represented a much larger share of what he would have to show for that weeks work than it would represent for me. I damaged him much more than proportionately than I was benefited. This same shame is felt by the chemical and fertilizer salesman who in shorting the farmer two dollars worth of fertilizer per acre caused a damage from lack of production for the farmer of many times that amount. This same shame is shared by medical people who withhold pain killer from the patient so they can have it for themselves. In a more general way we all did this. We brought long term suffering of many who loved us for the short term relief of a few drinks. This is shame.

I hide my guilt from others. I hide my shame from myself. I can very easily absolve my guilt by doing the ninth step. It takes a continuing sharing of ourselves as is in the fifth step to resolve shame. I can hide the guilt of my drinking by drinking alone, but when I drink while alone I am trying to hide from my shame; to hide me from me.
It is impossible for me to imitate myself telling you a lie. In the act of, I am. I am either telling you a lie or I am not. It is impossible for me to imitate myself telling you the truth. Either it is the truth or it is not. This all goes to the point that it is impossible for me to be honest with you without being honest with myself. Conversely, it is impossible for me to be honest with myself without being honest with you.
It is the nature of humanity to ask for a reflection of ourselves from others as they see us. The incompleteness of humanity, not just alcoholics, cries out for it. God made this so. If we believe, really believe, that we are indeed the children of God, then we are really asking Gods representatives, His children, if we are O.K. Only by being honest with Him through being honest with them can we present ourselves in such a manner that they can reflect back to us the reality of our honesty. Also it is only by being honest with them that we get back from them affirmation of our worthiness, the total acceptance that we are indeed a child of God and worthy of love and esteem.

Paradoxically, exposure, which once was our greatest fear now is our greatest healer. First it is the exposure of self to self in the fourth step and then the exposure of self to others in the fifth step. On a larger but less intimate level we share our lives at discussion meetings and speaker meetings. As the opening up process increases shame decreases.

When we hurt someone we feel guilt. When we are hurt, especially when we have invited the hurt, we feel shame. To hurt someone else is to take an action to defend our SELF. This speaks of our worth as an individual, of our self esteem and the way we view our self. Allowing others to hurt us is just the opposite. When we allow others to hurt us without defending ourselves we are saying; I am not worth defending. Go ahead and hurt me. This is true in the mental and emotional sense as well as the physical sense.   

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