Teenagers affecting my sobriety

zoomie · Senior Member

Teenagers affecting my sobriety

Phil · MIP Old Timer

Well Zoomie...not in any position to give advice of any kind..but we can listen..with compassion..and understand what you are going through...

It sounds like youre doing the best you can...

Its frustrating when you lead a horse to water..but you cant make them drink it...

There are certain things we have control over...and a lot..that we dont..

Sometimes..we hafta Let Go and Let God..with a lot of things also...

I agree with you ....your sobriety hasta come first and formost...and whatever you hafta do..to keep that a priority...you hafta do..

I started going to Alanon a few years ago..because I was over reacting..with insanity..re others actions...regarding alcohol..

Yelling..screaming..physical reactions...I was insane..and I was sober...

They taught me...that I didnt cause it..I couldnt control it...and I couldnt cure it...

Your house--your rules...and again--we do the best we can...

Youre doing that.,...

GammyRose · MIP Old Timer

Zoomie, I'm with Phil,sobriety comes first, sometimes venting helps. I had a situation with my 19 year old son who came home for 3 days at Christmas. Because of my years in Al-anon I was able to confront him calmly, but he blew up and he gathered up his stuff in a hurry leaving half of it.He left and I knew he would, but I told him we weren't going to walk around the elephant in the livingroom anymore. I had thought something was going on but since I see him so rarely I just kept praying for God to show me if I was right ,and He did.I really didn't want his stay to end the way it did, but now the ball is in his court...I told him I love him and I will help him in anyway I can.

This is the child who hated his Dad's drinking, hated his Dad always being in trouble with the law,hates his Dad being in state rehab,said he would never do what his Dad did...am I surprised that he is following in our Alcoholic footsteps...No...am I worried...Yes. Can I do anything, love him, he knows the answer to the problem, he was drug to Al-anon and AA functions most of his life.My daughter who lives in the same town as him, said I should have kept my mouth shut, not said a word. Well, denial is not something I do well anymore and the truth will set us free.

I'll pray for your situation, please pray for mine, as parents it's hard to watch them chose their paths when we know were they could be headed.But, no matter what, I will not drink today. Living life on lifes terms and turning it all over to God today.

(((Hugs)))

Chrisb · Senior Member

You have every right to a safe house.

Intervention comes to mind when dealing with kids that abuse drugs, alcohol and themslves.

We do what we know is the right thing and in time & with Gods help, we change. When we change, everything else around us changes also.

I want to thank you for being here.

Your Brother in AA, Chris B.

GregT · Veteran Member

That is truly heartbreaking Zoomie. We are here for you. Teens are the dumbest, for lack of a better word, creatures on earth (at least everyone I've ever known including myself). The first time my brother was brought home legless I was scared and angry for what it did to my parents. I swore I would never do that to them. One year later I started doing the exact same thing.

I know you are doing everything you can to help them, while still trying to remain sober and sane. One thing is abundantly true, throwing in the towel isn't the answer and I'm relieved to know that God was there for you in that moment of uncertainty. May He continue giving you the strength to remain sober.

Greg

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Yep! I got one of those teenagers myself and to my surprise he picked up a surrender chip at a meeting last week.........I just keep doing the next right thing, don't drink and leave it my HP's control! Tough to do some days, that's when pray extra hard....

God, grant me the serenity.

Hugs to your and your family

Doll

amanda2u2 · MIP Old Timer

Well,, we know that alcoholism tends to be hereditary, right? 4 generations of it in my family. And we are supposed to be compassionate to the still sick and suffereing right? We are so kind to perfect strangers here,, we reach out to newbies all warm and sympathetic. But to our own children? Why are we surprised that we passed on the problem,, the way we have behaved was the role model,,, we gave them the genes. It is harder to practice the principles with people that are closest to us, isn't it? What about the 12th Step? We can't do it for our families? But I'm not talking like I have done any better. My son's teen years were a horrible mess , and I mean horrible! We almost didn't make it through.. but I was trying to practice my program then, as well as I could. I taught him all that stuff, and so that's what I got back. It was years , while I kept doing my best to work my Steps,,, and he finally said to me that he could really see the difference in me, and that it wasn't just a freaky day, but real changes. We get along much better now,, realizing that we are both human, with the same disease.

love in recovery,

amanda

zoomie · Senior Member

Thank you all for your wonderful responces! Wow! I did indeed treat my girl like a new commer to AA and did try to 12th step her,thats how she got into rehab. But now knowing what she knows and is worse than before,it just drives me wacko. The mouth on her make syou have to walk away or want to smack her (not that I have). Anyway, I just talked to her grandparents and her dad said he will take her and make sure she gets help and make her get a job. Personally, I think she needs a home for girls,but I'll give them both a chance to try again. I mean I had to try several times to get it right. I'm just afraid of the pills she takes. Being baffled I think in this situation is normal. I'm trying to change and it makes it hard when you have kids that break every rule of the house. She has been to school perhaps 5 days this year. She was to get a tutor fromt he school,but it has not panned out. I feel that she is slipping through the educational cracks. Heck the schooled called me last time she was there and begged me to take her home.

Perhaps her going back with her dad is the answer to my prayers. Not so much that she might get strait,but to give me some peace. I'm going through a divorce and I just do not need this crap right now. If you cannot help someone,then it's best to have them away form you. My little ones see this and I hope to God they do not get any ideas when they get older. Thanks again for your responces. They ahve helped me stay sober and sain today.

jeannie · Senior Member

Amanda is right about this disease being hereditary. What I can not figure out is being the baby of a family of six and the only one with this problem? The disease that only my father passed down - does it skip five generations and effect the sixth? Oh well my issue not yours.

Here is my take - I feel that you have done the best that you can do with what you have to work with and now it is time to let your higher power take over. You have done all that you can do. Kids will defy their parents no matter what (remember when - I do and not proud of it). I want to tell you that I am exceptionally impressed with all that you have done - going through all this and still keeping your sobriety. My hat is off to you. Do what you must - always - always tell your children you love them and will be there for them - as you give them a big bear hug. I would tell my children that I am mad at what they have done not at them as human beings. I mean after all they are our flesh and blood. How can anyone possible have hatred for someone that we created - only have hatred for what they have done.

Jeannie

recovering jb · Senior Member

Hey-

That sounds unbearable, my prayers are with you-

My parents sent me to rehab a bunch of times- I nearly always wanted to stay sober, but it can be tough at that age, when it is still often fun.

I do think one of the best things my parents did was tell me I couldn't live with them anymore when I was 19 and did not want to stay sober-

I am in AA now, and have had some long stretches of clean time- I am 22 now. There is hope- we have a young people's group in my city with between 100 and 200 members, most in our 20s and 30s and more than a few under 20- guys and girls both- many of whom have more than a year sober and quite a few with 5+, 10+ years- We do the steps and get sponsors but have a lot of fun too. I'm not sure if this is any comfort at the moment- But recovery is possible-

I don't know if rehabs are a magic bullet, I think the real key is AA and getting in with a group, preferably of sober peers- but some great ones for young adults are http://www.mountainside.org/ in CT and hazelden in plymouth, MN- both have some scholarship available, and have long term treatment/sober houses-

Take Care,
Joel

-- Edited by recovering jb at 12:07, 2006-01-03

Toni Baloney · MIP Old Timer

Hi Zoomie,

Wow! Read your Post over 3 times, The chaos sounds so, so hard, but after the third time of reading it, I could visualize you there, where you ARE as the CALM center of a very big storm moving through. It might not feel like that to you, but there you are in the Middle of it, Putting your Recovery first, Putting God First, Praying about it, trying and doing whatever you can to hold fast when the waves keep crashing in on you. GOOD WORK!

My prayers are with you today.

Sent with a Lot of Love, Toni

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Heredetery? Is there medical evidence of that? I dont' know. I've heard it, but not sure how I feel about it being in the genes. Learned behaviour absolutely this is what I've passed to my son and progressive disease for sure in my case. There is NOT ONE SINGLE ALCOHOLIC in my family on either side that I know of, my parents aren't even social drinkers!

Toughest thing I've ever done is turn my control over to my HP that's a daily struggle, with my son it's damned near impossible.

Doll

amanda2u2 · MIP Old Timer

Here are a couple of links about the question of alcoholism being hereditary. It has to do with the way people metabolize alcohol,, it seems to be different in alcoholics. Now.. if a person doesn't drink then there is no problem,,, but if a person drinks who metabolizes it abnormally there will be a problem.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/query.fcgi?cmd=Retrieve&db=PubMed&list_uids=7301553&dopt=Abstract

http://web4health.info/en/answers/add-alcohol-inherited.htm

http://www.legacyaa.com/articles/heredity.htm

http://embryology.med.unsw.edu.au/OMIMfind/abnorm/103780.htm

I think these links sufficiently demonstrate the hereditary factor. I said that my family has 4 generations of problems. My father was a child of a violent alcoholic who died on the streets. Can you imagine what his childhood was like? His role modeling was of poor coping skills,, so my father learned those coping skills and practiced them as an adult and taught them to me. I was a child in such an environment.. I know my father was doing the best he could and just doing what he knew how to do,,, still the fact remains that that was my formative years and that was what I learned and then what I did.. alcoholic coping skills,,, and that is what I did to my child.. demonstrated the same kind of coping skills that were passed down , now to the 4th generation. I was the first one to get into the 12 Step programs. I was sooooo desperate! I love my child, and don't want to see this passed down like a generational curse. So I went into recovery, but my son was 13 years old already and already showing the patterns,, so he continued while I struggled with trying to reform and re-educate myself through AA. Thank God for the 12 Steps.. it has been a long hard road,,, but.. now my child and I are both really trying to live better lives. We have talked about what was dysfunctional, and we recognize when we are falling into old schtick,, and we each appreciate the other's efforts to be more positive and constructive, and we support each other in that.

love in recovery,

amanda

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Amanda wrote "It has to do with the way people metabolize alcohol,, "

This makes sense to me and the links you provided seem to support this. The way I see it, from what I read, basically came down to nobody knows for sure.

Just like no one really knows why girls who are born to teenage mothers are more likely to be teenage mothers themselves, the majority of those that grow up on welfare seem to raise their families by the same means of support, abused become abusers, etc.

I see how these things can all go hand in hand.

Thanks, Amanda for the insight.

Doll

GregT · Veteran Member

Doll,

"abused become abusers" reminds me of a story I heard a long time ago which specifically relates to alcoholism.

A man who had been an alcoholic all his life had twin sons. As they grew older one of them became a raging alcoholic while the other never touched a drop of alcohol.

When the drunk was asked why he was an alcoholic he said, "are you kidding me? Look at my dad." When the teatotaler was asked why he didn't drink he said, "are you kidding me? Look at my dad."

zoomie · Senior Member

I think drinking goes as far back in my family from when we came from across the ocean. Everyone I knew drank in my family and it was never hidden. It all depended on who got in worse trouble if one alcoholic called the other an alcoholic. I was however the first one in recovery I think LOL. I try hard not to repete my mother's patterns of behavior and I have done a good job for the most part,but some things you just cannot unlearn.

I never blamed my mom for my addiction,so I do not blame myself for my children's addiction. What I have learned is that everyone has some sort of addiction, it all depends on what it is and if it's a healthy addiction. I admit I'm disfuctional,but getting better. It's progress not perfection. People forget that it takes all kinds of people to make the world and each family is different. I sometimes look at other families and wish mine could be that way, you know "normal" or so they seem.

In society we have come a long way,but no one is aloud to have quirks anymore. We have become aware of alcoholism and we are doing something about it,but I think because of the media,we are all pushing twards being the same instead of rejoycing in being different. They use to call strange people eccentric (sp),now there is no room and one must go to get help for odd behavior. It makes it hard on a parent in today's world if your child is not perfect,the parents get blamed. Is addiction heredetery or learned behavior? Does it matter? Are we trying to place the blame so one does not have to look at their own actions or are we trying to put things in perspective? Cancer is heredetery or is it a learned behavior. Now I'm just being silly right? So if alcoholism is a disease why point fingers?

In my daughter's addiction (or is it teenage rebelion) I have many feelings and sides to look at. One I look at her like my child. Children are to do as told,if not then they get consquences.

I'm tired, how many consquences can I dole out if she is doing 100 things a day that are against my rules?

Two I look at her like a fellow addict trying to get recovery. so I try to be patent,but it's trying.

Three, she is her own person,do I let her live with me and take her out of control life and try to help her with it.

Four my shoulders are getting tired of carring the guilt and the wieght of the addiction if it is learned behavior

Five, being that I'm in recovery,I try keep my world calm so I willnot pick up.

I try to seperate what is her quirks and what is just plain addiction or rebelion.

It's all very complicated forsure,but to try and add that my daughter is the way she is because of genes or because of learned behavior makes it even more complicated and makes me feel like crap if I'm geting blamed.

My daughter thearpist made a comment because I was in recoverythat my daughter is the way she is because of me. I wanted to slap her. My daughter also has ADHD or was diagnosed at age 6 and had to take medication. Her shrink now will not put her on any ADHD medication because it's addicting. I said, "so no wonder she is addicted to pills now". The shrink said "we cannot prove that." To me those where oximoron statements side by side. I had a very hard time when my girl was younger "to put her on medication or not to put her on medication" because I was worried about addiction. I was told I'd be a bad parent if I did not put her on medication,so there is no winning. I'v spent most of her life taking her to differnt doctors to have help with her behavior (not mine,but I was so very overwhelmed with trying to adjust to people's behaviors,that I went kind of wacko,but when I knew I needed help, I got it). It's the age old question when people make statements that addcition is a learned behavior and it's heredetery. What comes first "the chicken or the egg." I say does it really matter? I also say "find a dam cure,or just except that some people are addicted and have quirks. Just stop pointing fingers!"

amanda2u2 · MIP Old Timer

The old 'blame game', eh? To say that I passed down both genes and learned behaviors to my child, as they were passed down to me is just the truth. That we do that is just the truth. I don't know about this 'blame' thing.. what does that mean? If that means we have to punish ourselves and feel all unworthy, well, part of 12 Step recovery is to do the 4th Step,, the inventory, the 5th Step to admit our wrongs, and then 6 and 7 to ask God to make some changes in us, and 8 & 9 to make amends. Those are positive Steps. I did all that with my child,, admitted to him my wrongs, and asked God to teach me better and to help me to change my own behavior to be a better mother, and I did change my behaviors to a great extent, which he recognizes. If we are in recovery and learning the program we know that we focus on improving our own coping skills and not blaming the world or expecting the world to accommodate our quirks. Well, and to the extent that we do expect others to be patient with us we should also be patient with others who have quirks, eh? Well, and after saying all that, sometimes it is necessary, if we really can't handle it, to make space between other people and ourselves, till we can get our own act together enough,,, which is basically what you are saying, eh? I really felt that with my teenager also,,, I just really did not have good role modeling from my own parents to know how to parent my own child in a healthy way. Blame? That and 50 cents will buy a cup of coffee. I'm too busy trying to work my self-improvement program to get into the blame game.

love in recovery,

amanda

zoomie · Senior Member

I think I get tired of this new way of everyone self improving or people trying to imrpove everyone els. I'v been through the steps because I wanted to,I made amends because I wanted to, I also know that the program is different for differnt people. Sometimes is has to do with where you live,or how your group is ran,or it's up to the individual. I was pointing out that everyone is trying to blame the parent or the genes. I mean fuck, we might as well say the whole of irish nationality are are alcoholics and should stop having babies because it's in the genes. Sound like a Hitler thing to me. I think research is a great thing,but we all know that they will find something new later on down the line. It might be a possiblity it's in the genes,but I'm saying who cares,find a cure or a better way to help instead of the blame game. I'm not blaming anyone for my daughters or my problems, and I would really resent you if your trying to. I'v made amends to my kids, and I was not one of those mothers that was a bad mom, I could just have been better. and am I thanks to medication and "my program".

bry · Member

Zoomie,

I've been reading this whole saga. I have a pretty good idea where you're coming from. My program is heavily based on spirituality not on heredity, my role models or my political or religious affiliations. LOL I learn and stay sober from listening and learning from the ES&H of other addicts and alcoholics and asking God to help keep me sober and thanking him each day for doing it.

You're doing everything possible for your daughter based on everything you've learned from your own experience and that of others and I give you kudos for that.

((((hugs))))

Bry

zoomie · Senior Member

Thanks bry. You know this reminds me of a rule for doctors, never treat yourself nor your family. I think I'm too close to my girl to do a good step 12 on her.

bry · Member

Zoomie,

Just keep showing her by example, and stay spiritually fit and the miracles will happen.

Bry