I'm scrambled, dizzy and over emotional today. About 25 people. Nice folks, down to earth. Two speakers. I made it through the meeting fine, I shook hands an exchanged names with nearly all of them. At the end of the meeting, the moderator said if anyone wanted to join the group to see him afterwards. I decided I would.
As soon as the meeting was called about four or five people surrounded him, so I went outside for a smoke. I went back in and he was still surrounded, so I just waited off to the side. Another guy came over and as we started to talk a bit my worst fears for attending this meeting were realized. Tears came up that I couldn't push down.
I should also say that last night really sucked. I couldn't sleep. My mind was going a thousand miles an hour. I started remembering the insane and horrible things I had done. All I wanted was sleep. I read a bunch of the BB online. The last time I saw the clock is was 3:30am and I had to get up in 4hrs.
The moderator saw this and came over. Everyone else cleared the room so it was just the three of us. I couldn't even speak for fear of a total breakdown. They were cool about it and said everyone has gone through this. They gave me a book, Living Sober and a complete list of all the meetings I could go to. They gave their numbers and took mine. We agreed to go to a different meeting tomorrow night (this group only meets once a week).
The other day I wrote here that I didn't become a big time abuser until I was 25. That's a total lie. I've been a big time abuser since day one, I just didn't become a CONSISTENT everyday abuser 'till 25. At 13 I got drunk, stole my parents van and crashed it. I was grounded for 6mos. The very day I was released I convinced my parents to let me stay over a friends house for the night. We went into the woods with about 10 other guys and started to drink whiskey and gin 'till I woke up the next day in my home bed. There were leaves all over the piss soaked bed. I found out I had been peeing in a pile of leaves and passed out. I had promised my parents I would call them at 9pm to let them know I was okay, but apparently didn't call 'till 2am unable to speak a word.
Alright that's enough for now. Thanks for reading.
Thanks for the support. I just wish I could talk without this flood of emotions coming over me. There's another meeting tonight I could go to but I don't know if I can handle the same thing happening again. Was I always this weak and I just shut it off with drugs and alcohol? I hate it when men cry, I have nothing but disdain for them...now I'm friggin one of them. When will it stop? I know there are drunks that cry when wasted, but I wasn't like that. This has been totally unexpected, unwelcomed and embarassing.
want to say that I am a female, but always shared your philosophy about NEVER crying, where anyone could see. I was breaking down with tears, once in therapy, and the therapist that was really great said to me when she saw how embarrassed I felt about my tears, trying so hard to stuff them back down, it didn't work. She said very lovingly and softly to me that I might try to "Celebrate my Tears" . Could not figure that out. But then I began to see that in Recovery from being a Drunk, meant that I was going to START Feeling things. and that was so new to me. I still don't like crying around other people, but sometimes in meetings when I am talking about some really painful stuff, they start coming, and I just keep talking anyway.
You are doing Great! and I support you completely in your new Beginnings.
Way togo Toothpick...you found the meeting you needed to be at today. I stuffed my tears for almost 20 years because my first husband would belittle me for crying. When the dam broke it was so healing...how long will it last...none of us can say. But you are in the right place to get support, one day at a time.If you wnat or need to go to a meeting tonight, go...you don't have to speak if you don't want to, just listen...and use the numbers those guys gave you, they wouldn't have given them to you if they didn't want you to call.Thanks for the honest share, you are on your way to getting sober....HOW "Honesty, Openmindedness and Willingness" That's how AA works.
I think all those emotions are quite real, but as we stay sober and healthy, make new friends, get a sponsor and work the steps, our brains return to normal, and a lot of that mental chaos goes away.
Yes, drugs and alcohol help keep them repressed and perhaps a little of what your feeling is relief from the pressure of maintaining and having to function without being found out.
It's always better to have admitted rather than been found out.
Keep trudging, my friend, good things are coming your way.
Now, get to that meeting and let me know how it went.
wow... I'm so glad! I feel a little choked up myself. What a relief, eh? Sometimes crying is a good thing. Maybe you can rethink your old value there,, big boys do cry when it is appropriate. That is a lot of reason why some drink,, including me.. to drown my feelings,, and when I don't drink the feelings well up and are hard to handle. But that makes us human! I'm sooo glad you're connecting in some good ways. That's your Higher Power at work already!!
love in recovery,
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
