I just wanted to share as to what is going on right now in my life.
Like I said I had quite a few year sober in AA.
Probably 10 or 12 years over the last 20 years but kept falling off the wagon because I wouldn’t do step 4 and 5.
I just a few weeks ago started writing my life down from before I took the first drink to now. I’m only at the age of 18 thus far but boy is this ever an eye opener. I honestly see and feel very deeply where some of my today’s sick thoughts and motives stem from. I honestly do not know why a mature man of 45 could not see some of this obvious behavior. I just avoided looking at myself to deeply because I knew I was sick but now I’m sick and tired of being sick. I'm doing my best to discover my triggers or motives but am having a hard time keeping myself from worrying if I’ll be able to rid myself of these lifelong traits. I keep telling myself to stick to step 4 right now then do 5 and 6 and so on but my mind is hard to turn off. I always considered my self a pretty brave guy but am finding I’m scared shitless that I may not be rid of these defects. Right now I fear drinking again the most. I do my best to pray but finding it hard to focus my thoughts. Well I rambled enough but am very thankful you are all out there to ramble on with. What a mixed up life I made but have to believe the steps, God and sharing with you all will lead to better days.
Thanks for the share David, the 4th and 5th Steps are so important, I've heard people say to do them right away , when we come into the program. Others say do them when you're ready. I feel all things in my life happen in Gods time. So maybe this is the time, do you have a good sponsor, I hope so.It helps to have someone to share some of the feeling with as they come up.The past is the past and it is not something we have to take a drink over today.
HOW the program works,"Honesty, Openmindedness, and Willingness", sound like you are on the right track. Oh, and lots of prayer helps too.
You confused me this morning, changed species from a bear to a puppy...Have a great ober 24 David.
Honesty within...sharing that honesty...I used to think that it was weak..for a guy to do that..old scripts..old thinking..holding all the crap inside...from the past...not getting rid of the shit pile..and letting it go..
Its a heavy load..carrying all that stuff into todays..
Then...there are the character defects...which can always surface at any time...and into old thinking and old actions and reactions...doesnt matter how long weve been here...its easy to slide backwards..
I dont have it all together either buddy..I honestly, never will..
But we try..our best...just for today...we feel how we feel...and try to keep us in balance.and I dont have all the answers. Never will.
The only step we can get perfect is the first one...and powerlessness is a big word. Also a big surrender..each and every day..
We arent perfect...we screw up..we are human..we get up..dust ourselves off...learn from our mistakes..and carry on again.
There are some days. that I still think..that Im all alone, with this stuff...Im not..and either are you.
We are who we are..and we feel how we feel...and we try...You have a good day Buddy.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Thanks for sharing. Steps 4 & 5 are the "commitment" steps in my view. I can't imagine trying to stay sober without doing them...cause I am a sick puppy also. The honesty required for step 4 is probably the first time in 22 years that I really looked at myself and the damage I had caused with my drinking. I couldn't have recovered without them, though, so I got it done and found out that I wasn't as bad as I thought, just a sick person trying the best I could to get through the day.
I do have one question though...Do you have a sponser you can call when things get rough? I know that doing this step can really tear you up inside and I kept in close contact with my sponser and went to lots of meetings during this time.
And remember this...you are not a bad person...you have a disease and you are taking the steps to recover...don't beat up on yourself...you deserve a better way of living!!
Was in a meeting last night with this step 4 and 5 stuff....can still look at 4 and find things,that I missed....even in sobriety..and with the step 10 ...still halfta admit..there are a lot of days..that I hafta backtrack.
There are days...Ide like to turn the clock back...and do things the right way..impossible to do.
I never "GET IT" till after damage has been done. Then kick my ass....and beat oneself up, over it.
Im a slow learner...and its usually the hard way...the problem with that one? It affects others..and it causes hurt, and anger, pain, and consequences.....and it isnt their stuff..its mine.
Its neverending...and always will be......ONE DAY AT A TIME BUCK...I tried to avoid a lot of the MUSTS..in this program. I try to pass on to others "Please Dont"
Theres the AA way....and theres our way...Just sharing...that our way, does not work.
Been there...Done that.
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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
hi, Buckeyebear,,, you know,, a lot of people never do get to Step 4,, and it can be scary when we first start it,,, but then,,, remember Step 3. Step 3 is the Step where we decide to trust God, that He does care and that putting ourselves in His care results in good things. Phil is right that we are never going to be perfect,,, but the program also says, 'progress, not perfection'. Do you know what the Promises are? If we really continuously work the program, sometimes it takes a while,, but the program works if you work it. We are here to share our experience with the program, the strengths that we've gained through it, and that if it works for us it can work for you, and in that is hope.
I'm so glad you are attempting it, and I'm sure that progress will be made if you continue. And it is a day by day, Step by Step thing. We alcholics tend to be 'all or nothing' people, and part of our recovery is to take a Step at a time. We tend to be perfectionists and are afraid to fail in being perfect,, and part of our recovery is to learn to be happy with progress. We tend to become more patient with others, and with ourselves.
keep coming!
amanda
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do your best and God does the rest, a step at a time
