Be brave enough to be vulnerable – in order to help others feel safe in your presence. Nothing builds trust like the courage it takes to be vulnerable.

Know how to soothe and balance yourself – in order to stay internally focused and alert. Self regulation is the key to meeting challenging situations with composure

Be able to experience intense emotions – so you won’t sabotage intentions for reconciliation by unleashing knee-jerk punishing behavior.

Look for and read non-verbal cues – to strengthen communication. Most of the dialogue that takes place between couples in love relationships is non-verbal

Engage in playful behavior – to resolve more trivial differences. Issues that focus on differing wants rather than differing needs can often be resolved playfully

our ability to view differences as opportunities for positive change – If conflict is viewed with fear, if we pretend that it doesn’t exist or ignore it, that which separates us will be disruptive rather than an opportunity for positive change in our love relationships

our capacity to remain relaxed and focused in tense and intense situations – If we don’t know how to stay centered, relaxed and in control of ourselves we may become overwhelmed emotionally in challenging situations

our ability to experience primary emotions and recognize what matters most to us – If we numb or ignore basic feelings like anger, sadness or fear, our ability to face and resolve differences will be compromised. If we fear emotional intensity – ours or theirs – or insist on exclusively rational outcomes, we will lack tools we need to resolve conflicts

our tolerance for differences – If we can’t bear to see others make choices that deviate from our own, conflict will lead to judgment, blame and punishment. Relationships that can’t accommodate dissent or diversity have little resiliency and no opportunity for growth

Secure responses to conflict are characterized by:

capacity to recognize and respond to important matters

readiness to forgive and forget

ability to seek compromise and avoid punishment

belief that resolution can support the interests and needs of both parties

Insecure responses to conflict are characterized by:

inability to recognize and respond to matters of great importance to the other

explosive, angry, hurtful, resentful reactions

withdrawal of love, rejection, isolation, shaming and fear of abandonment

expectation of bad outcomes

fear and avoidance of conflict

“I” messages are communications intended to make disclosures about yourself – I think, I feel, etc. The point is to disclose information about yourself—not the other person. Most communication in conflict situations focus on what the other person does or has done that is bad or wrong! “I feel that you…” is not an I message; it’s a “you message” in disguise.

In any event, I messages accompanied, or followed by verbal or nonverbal punishment such as rolling eyes, deep sighs of frustration or disgust, glowering or withdrawing emotionally will undermine I messages.

Active listening refers to the capacity to pick up nonverbal information in the process of listening to another person. The idea is to listen with more than ears –to listen with a heart wide open. An important part of this process consists of relaying back to the sender your recognition of the emotion as well as the content being communicated.

if any sort of punishment, criticism, blame or humiliation attaches to this process, it will limit the ability to resolve issues or build trust.

Problem solving is the negotiation process that follows I messages and active listening. As commonly understood, this is rational problem solving process—but its effectiveness depends on laying out irrational as well as rational concerns. These are reflections of our childhood needs, and must be respected even if they seem out of context. Past experience may not seem rational, but it plays a key role in negotiating solutions with high probabilities of success.

 If punishing elements slip into the negotiation process, they will limit the opportunity for creating lasting and constructive change.