First, examine closely your own reactions. Whenever a person's actions hurt us, it's usually because that person has touched a sensitive nerve in our own personalities. They have stirred up a negative self inside us which we would rather leave undisturbed. Ask yourself whether you may have overreacted, whether the person has "hooked" some anxiety or hurt within yourself about which you are defensive.

find that you were not the target at all, but that you simply caught the backlash of someone else's negative feelings. The other person may not even realize that you felt offended. If you can understand why a person did or said something, you can more readily accept him/her and release the bad feelings which were triggered within you.

Third, decide whether the problem is something which needs to be dealt with through personal confrontation. There are times when we need to stand up to someone and say, "I have a problem. I feel you need to know how your actions are affecting me." When persons have acted in a careless or unkind way, they need to be confronted with the consequences of their actions, to be shown that they don't act in a vacuum. By confronting them in a spirit of honesty and acceptance, you may not only resolve the conflict but at the same time strengthen the relationship.

If you feel that this approach is either impractical or unwise, you must find other ways to release your bitterness. If you decide not to take direct action about the problem, be aware that you have made a choice and therefore you are not a victim. You have taken control by deciding to ignore it.

But don't ignore your feelings! Ventilate them through positive action: physical exercise, being with friends you enjoy. even punching a pillow! Try a transfer of energies; take the hurt or angry feelings and use them to energize some worthwhile activity: scrub the floor, work in the yard, or go for a brisk walk, whatever helps defuse the anger. Instead of focusing on negative, destructive feelings, make that energy work for you in positive ways; enjoy a favorite hobby or sport, or do something kind for someone else.

Finally, when there are feelings of hurt that won't go away, you can take positive steps to facilitate the process of forgiveness. This might include talking about the matter with someone who is wise and mature. Your minister, a close friend, or a counselor at a community agency would be good resources to help you ventilate your feelings and get a fresh perspective on the experience.

To concretize the process of forgiveness, you might try this approach: write down the thing that has hurt you, and offer it up to God in prayer. Say something like, "Lord, you know I can't handle these feelings, and they are interfering with my happiness and personal growth. I'm turning these feelings over to you and asking you to handle them for me."

Then tear the paper on which the problem is written into a million pieces, and every time you begin to have negative feelings again, have a mental image of those feelings being tossed out with the trash. Remember that God is handling that matter now, so that those feelings no longer have any control over you.

One of the best approaches to handling resentments we know was that of Clara Barton, who was asked her reaction to something very unkind which someone had said about her. She replied, "I distinctly remember forgetting that." You see, you can't always choose your emotions or how you feel about something, but you can choose how you react to what happens. You can choose the emotions you will act upon.