Yu know guys.....it just doesnt matter how many days, that we have in this program.. we never get it perfect....
Ive been in AA a lotta days, and still have those days where I screw up. Its a good job we are human eh?
I guess if we didnt screw up, there would be no lessons to learn...and no pain...no gain
The last few days, I was in a situation where, I took something out of context...misunderstood it..and reacted negatively to it. All I had to do was comunicate...but I didnt---I reacted, and I got reactions. In turn... instead of admitting I was wrong.... I took the paranoia, mistrust, and anger, and threw it back into the fire....and we all know what happens...when the fire of anger, and actions and reactions, gets bigger.
Theres destruction.....and things and situations are burnt to a crisp.
At one point, because... of you hurt me...Ile hurt you back, (with that old alky thinking) going full blast..... I set of a bomb..which not only destroyed the building, but burnt the whole town, down.
Im not proud of that...and even tho.. I can look around and blame others (which is the easier, softer, way) I cant. I am responsible for my side of the street....and not someone elses.
After the town burnt to the ground... I had to make apoligies, for my part... they were not accepted.. theres nothing more I can do. I hafta forgive others for their part...but most of all I hafta forgive myself...for being an imperfect human being.
And thats just how easy, it can be, one day at a time, in sobriety, to blow something good, to smitherines.
I was dead wrong.
There was a time, when I couldnt admit that. ..AA has taught me, that I must. AA has taught me how.
We all have issues, on an ongoing basis. I have mine.--and I know what they are. We all have character defects, that can surface, with just the snap of ones fingers. I have mine, also.
Its so easy to react and act, with old thinking patterns, old habits, and old ways.
Its easier some days for this guy...to put mouth in gear before brain.
Its easier some days for this guy...to lashout from hurt, or pain...with destructive anger.
I cannot live today....using yesterdays AA. Each day must be a new beginning.
I must accept, each day... the things I cannot change.
I must be humble, and teachable each day, and change what I can, to make this alcoholic a better person.
And know, and realize, that I dont run the show. A Higher Power, greater than myself....does that.
Thanks for listening. Thanks for being here..
__________________
Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Good thing the only step we have to get 100% is the first one, eh?
I guess what's important is that you didn't get drunk and you can see that you did wrong and were willing to make amends. Whether they were accepted or not is not the issue(my sponsor always says "bless you" when that word comes up). What's important is that you don't continue to beat yourself up for whatever it is that happened...you weren't the only player in the game and can only change your actions.
You are an important human being in this world, and a very important part of this fellowship. Don't ever think that we would turn away just because you may have made a mistake.
Hi Phil ... That's odd because I was just pondering the idea of perfection.
When Christ cried on the cross "My God, My God, Why Have You Forsaken Me?" it seems to indicate a lapse of faith. While I realize that it's said that Christ was divine in human form I have difficulty reconciling certain accounts from the bible with Christ's teachings. For example the anger Christ displayed at the money changers in the temple. My friend, a Theravada buddhist, claims that one must be unblemished (perfect) and that the buddha went through many incarnations before attaining this. In fact he "blew it" in one of his last incarnations by getting angry with a man who had enslaved the buddha's wife and children and was abusing them. Certainly a justifiable reason for anger if there was one! I recently read a biography of Bill W. by Susan Cheever that details Bill calling out for whiskey on his death bed. What does this mean? That AA doesn't work and it's all false? My initial response.
I read a book by Ernest Kurtz called "The Spirituality of Imperfection" that offers an interesting view on the idea of perfection. I sometimes wonder if there are such things as "absolutes". Where would be the need for Grace?
This may have been one of the causes for the break from the Oxford Group. Or maybe I misunderstand their idea of "Four Absolutes". Seems like some of the times I've been most impressed with AA was when people expressed their fallibility and vulnerability.
What was my part in any situation that comes up? Yep, progress not perfection and owning my part. Thanks for the share Phil.
There is a time and a place to make amends to people we have wronged, I thank the program of AA for teaching me that lesson. There is also a time and a place to approach people who have wronged us.Knowing I'm powerless over other people, place and things also is something I learned in AA.
The whole situation, up until a few days ago--when I reacted to a few things--was nothing but
complete honesty, and giving....on my part... in any way I could.---asking nothing in return. It
involved 6000 km of travel--and 4 weeks of sickness---it involved forgiving, and understanding, and
compassion, with love. It involved being stuck in an airport 940 miles from home--and having AA
members, that Ide never met before...come to my rescue.
On the other side of the road--it involved...saying one thing..and doing another. It involved deceit,
dishonesty, mistrust, mind game playing, verbal abuse, and disrespect....and now...blame....and
guess who takes the brunt of that one.?
Well-not this time. I did my best... I put myself out there fully...with everything, I could give.
Do I expect any amends or apoligies from the other side of the street? Nope. Not a one.
But then again...its not my stuff...Ive done my part...and thats all that matters. I can live with a clear concience today, and self respect. The rest of it will heal.
Done.
__________________
Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
Feeling angry - and, sometimes, the act of blaming - is a natural and necessary part of accepting loss and change - of grieving. We can allow ourselves and others to become angry as we move from denial toward acceptance.
As we come to terms with loss and change, we may blame our higher Power, others, or ourselves. The person may be connected to the loss, or he or she may be an innocent bystander. We may hear ourselves say: "If only he would have done that... If I wouldn't have done that... Why didn't God do it differently?"... We know that blame doesn't help. In recovery, the watchwords are self-responsibility and personal accountability, not blame. Ultimately, surrender and self-responsibility are the only concepts that can move us forward, but to get there we may need to allow ourselves to feel angry and to occasionally indulge in some blaming.
It is helpful, in dealing with others, to remember that they, too, may need to go through their angry stage to achieve acceptance. To not allow others, or ourselves, to go through anger and blame may slow down the grief process.
Trust the grief process and ourselves. We won't stay angry forever. But we may need to get mad for a while as we search over what could have been, to finally accept what is.
God, help me learn to accept my own and others' anger as a normal part of achieving acceptance and peace. Within that framework, help me strive for personal accountability.
__________________
Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
"I must be humble, and teachable each day, and change what I can, to make this alcoholic a better person.And know, and realize, that I dont run the show. A Higher Power, greater than myself....does that.
rosie...........(((phil))) if i am not humble and teachable EACH day, i slip.....SOON as i think *i got it* i get slammed with a downer to show that i DONT *got it*....i am *progressing* but i am here for life......i don't run the show, my hp does......and i can relate to the *back at ya* theory....i have to surrender that to my hp all the time....cause when someone hurts me???? i am like a spider...i want to bite and bite BAAAD!!!!! now i am getting better at , yes, defending my boundaries, but also walking away when i need to and turning them over to karma.........hugs/ rosie
