I am new to this board, and would like to share a little bit of my story. I was first introduced to AA over 12 years ago when I was 18. After starts and fits, I finally achieved a lasting sobriety when I was 19. I worked the program hard, all my friends were AA members, when I wasn't in classes or working I was doing something with AA. I creeped out of the black hole that I had been in for high school and the beginning of college and was working on personal struggles through counseling. I easily admitted my powerlessness and unmanageability of my life at that time.
I graduated college, got a job, got married and had a family. And over time I started developing friendships with co-workers, church members and neighbors. I had achieved normalacy. I started drifting away from meetings and AA activities because I was tired of the re-hashing of everything. We maintained contact with our close AA friends and sponsors, but over time saw them less and less also, until it was just phone calls here and there.
I started to become resentful of my alcoholism and recovery. I could go to parties and get-togethers with friends be normal in every way but drinking. I wanted to be able to stand there with a drink in my hand, sipping it and chatting. (Which is a joke because I *never* was able to drink like this - my style was more like the fast & the furious). The only thing that stopped me over the last couple of years was downright fear.
Fear, because I can still remember the first two years; Year 1 when I was up an down, and in and out. Year 2 when I was sober and white knuckling it many a night and feeling blessed that I wasn't of age - so it would require much more energy to get the drink than I had at the time.
This fall I found out that my husband had decided to start drinking again. He felt that he could handle it. After all, look at all the years that had gone by. I started to believe that I could also drink. But, I didn't for a little while because of fear.
A few weeks ago we to a cookout at a neighbor's. While I sat there watching my husband I began simmering with anger at him and at myself. And, it became very easy to accept the drink when it was offered. The first drink hit my system quickly, due to all the years (11yrs and 10mos) since my last drink. I sat in that buzz mad as all get out at myself but also calculating how many more would get me drunk to the point I suddenly wanted to be.
At that point I believe God stepped in for me. My 3 yr old fell off the playset. She did not hurt herself very badly, but I realized that my ability to care for her, the way she needed me to be able was hampered - by one drink, and I was thinking how many more would get me drunk. I left the party and walked home.
A few days later I figured that I would try beer. It didn't matter that I could never stand beer and it did not ever get me drunk enough, quick enough - so it just made me want liqour. So I find myself standing in the kitchen guzzling a beer as quick as I can, because the taste is awful. In that moment I got a picture of where I was going to be going if I kept it up.
I have not had a drink since those last two - and honestly cannot tell you exactly what days they ocurred on. I figured I could just walk away and keep on with my life. But what I didn't figure is that I have flipped the alcoholic switch regardless whether I am pouring booze into my system.
I am re-starting my program, and thankfully still have old AA friends that have been supportive. Hubby doesn't know what he wants to do, but today I cannot worry about that - I have to concentrate on me. I have had white knuckle moments and the compulsion to drink, that I haven't had to worry about in many years is back. All for two drinks and the thought that I could be normal.
Warramra, our disease in cunning and very patience. I have a analogy of my disease that goes like this, We are not cured of our disease it is merely arrested, my disease is in prison but it's not resting, everyday it's out in the yard pumping iron and waiting for a chance to make it's break and every night it's making collect calls to me trying to trick me, tells me things we'll be different this time. How does one protect themsleves from this fiend that lives inside them and never rest and never quits trying to escape and raise havoc. We pray, we surrender everyday and we work our program so that with the help of our higher power we will prevail over our disease for one more day. Good luck, you know what you need to do and God bless you. Bob.
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
Thanks for your share. It gives me insight into my recovering A's situation. He has not drank in 22 years but he is a dry drunk. He moved out and said that he is giving in to his disease. I am trying very hard to stay out of his disease and deal with mine.
Warramra, Welcome to the board and welcome back to AA. I'm glad you are here and thanks for sharing your story. It is a reminder toall , even those with years of sobriety are one drink away from active disease.
It really rings true. It's such an insidious disease. I like Bob's description that it's out in the front yard, pump iron, waiting for it's next victim......lol
Cam, LOL: I meant the prison yard. You know in prison films there always showing them outside lifting weights getting big and strong. Then in the evening there on the phone making collect calls to their wives or girlfriends asking for them to send them a package or put money on their books and how when they get paroled things will be different this time if they're just given one more chance. I also refer to my disease as a 600 lb Gorilla. (thou that insulting to Gorillas LOL) Bob.
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
