Well, since the parents are gone and I'm leaving tomorrow for the mountains of NC for 3 days (ok, cheri, HILLS !), thought I better stock up on some meetings. And it's bugging me a little so thought I'd throw it out at you all. I don't need any new resentments.
We had a first timer there so decided the topic would be Step one. The oldtimers shared first with several of them saying the "obsession to drink" left them in the first year, some said a few months, etc and some said they still struggle with it from time to time. Then the chairperson asked some of us real new newbies to share our experience. It's pretty cool, we're like stair steps, there's one that's about to hit a year, one w/6 months, 9 months, 30 days, and me with just over 60. Anyway when I shared, I shared a few things I'd done over 25 yrs of drinking, hitting my bottom and how I arrived at Step one, added a few other things, then I moved onto the chaos and heartbreak I've experienced over the last couple weeks and followed up with the truth of the matter being, thru all of the BS I've been thru the thought of a drink never entered my mind. I find that at the end of each day while saying my prayers and taking my inventory that my thought has been wow, I didn't even think about a drink today". So, after me this female member decides to share that she's been clean and sober 2 yrs and the obssession to drink never goes away, and she's not saying FOR HER, she's saying It never goes away. She ends with "so, don't think you're special" and leans up and taps my shoulder. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??!! BTW, this is the same woman who looked me in the face when I got 60 days and said "congrats, but I'm really surprised you made it" .......... I've shared all that to ask this, if you'd like to share your es&h with "obession of the drink" (or how you arrived at Step one), I'd sooo love to hear it. I can honestly say that mine is gone, atleast for another day.............
love and hugs,
Doll
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* We eventually realize that just as the pains of alcoholism had to come before sobriety, emotional turmoil comes before serenity. *
Doll, some people are sicker then others. Bill W had the obsession to drink lifted, Dr Bob had cravings for several years. If it aint in the Big Book or other AA literture it's just someones opinion. Sounds like this person is struggling and feels like everyone with less time should be struggling too. We all grow in our recovery at different paces. Hook up with the winners and avoid the losers. Take care and easy does it. Bob. PS. I drank for 25 yrs also and when I finally surrendered my obsession to drink was almost totally lifted, but sometimes like on a hot day I'll get the thought that wouldn't a cold beer taste great, then I'll go where did that come from. Even in my dreams I don't drink.
-- Edited by cooncatbob at 15:53, 2005-10-20
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
It was my struggle with the obsession that finally broke me. I didn't lose anything materially or physically but I still had enough grey matter to know where I'd eventually end up. So that got me into trying to control my drinking. Then I found that the more I tried, the worse the obsession got. That's why I was in such despair. I saw the writing on the wall. I finally called a doctor (psychiatrist) who set me up with a rehab. If he had just told me to go to AA, I don't think that would have done it for me. I needed to really hear it strongly from the medical profession that AA was my best option. It took me 28 days to hear that.
But back to the obsession question. Strangely enough, once I made that call which was an admission that I needed help and perhaps that I couldn't do it alone, the obsession was somehow lifted! It was almost a week between the phone call to that doctor and the day that I entered the rehab. If anything, I would have figured I'd be drinking as much as I could get my hands on before I "gave it up for good". At least one last hurrah. But the thought never even crossed my mind! It really wasn't until many weeks afterwards that I even realized the obsession was gone.
I've had times over the years when anger, resentments or whatever made me want to drink. But for me, with those things I have a choice. That's a lot different than the obsession where I just didn't have one. With the obsession I was like that Dr. Strangelove character with one hand trying to control his other "crazy" hand.
I've always been a bit of a skeptic (O.K., I'm a doubting Thomas) but for me that obsession leaving was a real miracle. I hope never to take it for granted.
My obsession to drink would hit me about mid-afternoon at work; all I could focus on was getting home, hitting the fridge, and grabbing that first beer. And then I would think to myself: How much of a buzz do I want tonight? Wouldn't it be nice to maybe have four or five beers, and then some dinner, instead of more than a dozen beers, and skip dinner? So I found myself obsessing over that. And then, if my phone rang in the evening, would I answer it, or would I just ignore it to continue my drinking in solitude?
Sure enough, as the evening wore on, as the liquor warped my brain, clouded my judgment, and loosened my inhibitions, I always decided dinner could wait, and wouldn't a whiskey nightcap be nice? These past few weeks, when I realized I had hit the wall, I had been drinking 'til I passed out. Waking up on the sofa, soaking wet, because the drink I had been holding had spilled all over me, or waking up in bed, yet not remembering how or when I got there--well, I got sick and tired of it. Worst of all, I'd check my e-mails, or my voice mail. There would be messages from those I truly love. . .messages of hurt and anguish, for what I had said to them the night before (obviously, I had decided to answer the phone, maybe even make a phone call or two). And I would have no recollection of the conversation.
That's when I discovered, and landed right in the middle of, Step One. I signed up for detox, then AA, and (keeps fingers crossed) have had no cravings to crawl back in the bottle or beer can thus far.
As to the so-called two-year sobriety "veteran," I would pay her no heed, Doll. What's important is YOUR recovery. Have fun in the NC hills (and I've seen some of them hills. . .they darn sure look like mountains to me). M
thankyou all for sharing your experiences, well its been 49 days for me, just had to check that by the way, I would say that although I am daily made aware of my illness I am now looking forward to each new day, it sounds a bit corny but I feel free, There are constant reminders of alcohol on tv and just about everywhere, the town where i live has a big drinking culture, I guess the thing I notice most are the empty beer cans all over the place on window sills, in garden hedges and on doorsteps I see them an wonder if alcohol was invented today would it be legal.
I was desperate when I phoned AA I was on a binge and couldnt stop morning shakes, you know the alien bug i men in black who puts on a human skin like a suit, that was me, tried to swallow what evr booze i had left over and then would vomit real bad from the toothpaste i used to cover up the smell....I really believe I was starting to die..so i made the call.
As i said i am reminded every day that I am an Alcoholic, but apart from a coupla occasions when i was angry the desire to drink has left me.
Doll we are sensitive people but in AA we are not defenceless,
I know what you mean, since I have been sober , I have had two operations for breast cancer, 2 operations for a shattered disc in the neck, deal with my ex husband who to this day thinks can still control me and make life awful, but not once have I had the want or need for a drink, Your involved in the program, you are doing what needs to be done, I have seen people in the halls like that, but if you listen closely you will hear that they aren't doing what they need to do, they are white knuckling it. I know when I hear someone at 90 days say how wonderful life is and they have everything back in their lives, I get alittle upset cause thats not me, tell ya the truth I'm glad I didn't get the stuff I lost, I'm just grateful of the stuff God let me keep. I wouldn't let others get to you, they need to look at them selfs, as long as your doing the right thing, who cares what others say or think.
