A year ago today....i was so lost in trying to escape me, my reality. Not knowing a month and a day to come i'd start the best journey of my life...my recovery. I hated me, i hated life. i hated my life. I didn't have the courage to call my girls on Mother's day...i stayed wallowing in my own shite, feeling sorry for myself. Wishing i was different, anyone but me!! The guilt and shame i felt was too overwhelming, it kept me out there, trying to kill myself. God and only my girls know how they felt that Mother's day...not knowing where i was, if i was dead or alive, laughing, smilin', or cryin', safe or layin' in a ditch somewhere. I jsut know that my HP must have a plan for me because i made it out of that hell alive. Not brain dead or 6 feet under...
Today i'm watering the daisies not pushing them up!! Doing a little weeding here and there...lol
I woke to an empty apartment this morning, my oldest daughter spent the night at a friends...my youngest is with her dad. And even though i'm doing some reflecting i'm ok with that. I'm alive today and free, safe and smilin'. Thank God.
I miss my Mom. She's in my heart always, even across the miles i feel i'm with her but miss her all the same. I miss my grandma...i believe she';s watching over me through the holes in the floor of heaven.
Even though I'm by myself I don't feel alone. That's progress. I know my girls love me. That is truly a gift after all I put them through. Even if i spend this whole Mother's day by myself..which i doubt i will, i'm ok with that. I'm clean and sober and that in itself is WAY better than last mother's day.
I never have to go back to that hell, as long as I don't pick up that first drink.
Yeah today is a bit late but ahppy mothers day to you all. I neglected my mom on mothers day. She is also miles away but no excuse. I have been really bad at remembering others special days for a long time and I want to change that I want to be concious of how I could and should be grateful to the people who are special in my life.
she brought me into this world but i can take me out. I have to be responsible for myself . No excuses
hey Suzy...you just hit the nail on the head!!! YOU CAN TAKE YOU OUT..it all comes down to choice...This minute you are choosing recovery..: ) Baby steps Suzy ...one foot in front of the other. Be easy on yourself,,,beating ourselves up keeps us on that pity pot. The courage and strength you are shoing right now , right this minute...every minute that goes by think on that courage...I have faith in you Suzy!!!
