Fear Of Success? Keep an open mind on this one-these are my views and my thoughts only-and the second cup of coffee is just starting to kick in.:)

When one is used as a scapegoat as a child, and told that theyll never amount to anything--it sticks. And this guy beleived it.

Lets just put the alcohol aside in these thoughts and look at other stuff.

Every situation I went through in life--whether it be job--or relationships--it was a 2 sided coin.

On one side, I wanted nothing more than to succeed in these areas.

When Ide get to a point of succeeding--I would self sabotage.

Self esteem and self confidence--through these failures--became nill.

There were a few of these situations also, where due to other circumstances it was not my doing at all-but I would take all the blame and put myself down for it regardless. It became a habit and a big pattern.

So-you take an insecure person-and they hide all the negative stuff within, and try to control people places and things--they try harder each time they fail. People dissappear and they are left alone, and wonder why. I used to start blaming when I was in that mode also, and had a lot of denial.

I portrayed an outgoing--"had it all together person"-was inside the picture frame looking out--not outside looking in, and was nothing more than a play actor. I hid behind walls, and they were big ones.

I lived a life of total fear on a daily basis. I also did that for a long time in AA--worked 2 steps--and as they say in the big book--I dare not look and I dare not go there.

I could take a full day with this one Want.

I finally had to go there-4-5-6-7-8-9. It was hell bringing that stuff out.

After a lot of days in AA-outside councelling-physical sickness--emotional bottoms etc. this guy finally found ME.

I learned to show emotions and love and just what life was all about. I learned that I am a good person, and that I dont hafta doom myself to failure.

I learned that I can be loved by others just for who I am, and I guess self love and a bit of self confidence help too.

I learned to give from the heart without expectations in return. I learned that success starts within us and in baby steps and 12 steps goes forward a bit at a time.

I still have some days where I wait for the hammer to fall-I still remember what my Father told me as a child. I never saw love either, way back then--and never knew how to show it, except by giving materially.

The last 4 months Ive had something inside bugging my butt. Ive never really found out what that was till yesterday.

Nothing more than those little pangs of "Fear Of Failure"

Today those pangs are gone. Im in a marriage that I know is going to work. I have responsibilities that are being taken care of. I have a Higher Power which I trust on a daily basis. A program that I work, to become a better person. Some days, we fall flat on our face. We get up--dust ourselves off-and get back into the positive.

How easy it is to think one negative thought and pile negatives on top. It causes pain and emotional turmoil and fear. Yersterday is gone. What we do today, contributes to the tomorrows. All we hafta do is beleive in ourselves, just do our best, and truck on forward.

Give of ourselves with love from our hearts, help others and be there for others when we can, and to me--thats what its all about.

I remember sharing with a loved one yesterday, and I beleive it to be true.

We had to go through all those yesterdays to get where we are today.

Right now, at this moment--I have no doubts in tomorrow--no what ifs. Im in a marriage today that my best freind and I are "THERE" We both know where we are going and where we wish to be. We both know it takes committment and work, individually and together.

It takes love--and its going to be OK.  Thats success!!

I beleive also that nothing--absolutely nothing, in this world happens by mistake, and that everything happens for a reason.

I can look back today and not dwell on things, but just understand and be grateful. I can just be me. An imperfect loving person. I used to think that showing emotions and love to others was being weak. I realize today--its a sign of honesty and strength.

You have a great day, my freind!!