I'm calling my doctor tomorrow.. and I think I'm going inpatient... you know people say "if one person suggests something, listen... if several people suggest something, you better take action"... well several people today have suggested going inpatient. I might have sounded like I was doing good in my last post, but I was really manic, been really manic for several days... then I crashed today and am really not doing good... I spent a lot of time talking to an online friend tonight, he was trying to ease my fears of hospitals but it wasn't helping, I called my sponsor and she agreed with the idea of going inpatient... she said to call if I need to tonight... wound up calling my boyfriend when I was in a panic attack awhile ago, talked to him quite awhile, finally mostly calmed down and let him go back to bed... but still a bit scared and my mind is going again... think I'm getting manic again. Sleep is really important, I know that, but I have some kind of fear of sleep and I fight it a lot. But I'm not even tired in the least bit now, though I was groggy all day long. But these mood swings and my sleep being screwed up is really not good for me... was having thoughts of doing some things I shouldn't... no thoughts of drinking though thankfully....
*sigh* Sorry, I'm really rambling... and I don't usually go into all this on an AA forum but y'all are like family and I wanted y'all to know what is going on. I'm calling my doctor tomorrow to see what we can work out. I know there's a psych hospital near Memphis, in the town my family lives in but I don't want to go there if I can help it, would rather be out here close to my AA friends so they can visit when I'm allowed visitors. I think the clinic I go to has inpatient at one of their locations near here though, so we'll see...
I have to work out something with my dog and cat, figure out who will watch them... the woman that took my other kitten said she could keep my dog temporarily if I needed her to, so I will check with her... but I have a good friend here (my "adopted mom") her daughter is 20 and living at home while she's in college, and I thought maybe I could check with my friend and see if she'd mind her daughter staying out here while I'm in the hospital... I dunno how she'd feel about it though, but it'd be so much easier on my critters and it would put my mind at ease about them just a bit if they were able to stay here.
Ok, gonna stop rambling... my bf was telling me some relaxation techniques, gonna try that and hope I can clear my mind and sleep...
First of all, I'm sorry about the struggles, and I can relate to the fear of sleep so much. I spent my first year sober with a light on in the bedroom and the tv on!
I did complete a 30 day inpatient program, and it was one of the best things I ever did for myself.
It gave me a chance to feel completely safe and really start learning the tools of this program.
I hope you are able to make arrangements for your pets. I have several myself, though I only had one dog when I went through inpatient, and my folks kept her for me.
-- Edited by TenderheartsKS at 11:29, 2008-01-17
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
I changed my mind.... (I'm a woman so I'm allowed to do that lol) I'm feelin ok today, and I haven't called my dr yet... I did up the dosage on one of my meds last night (the dr had said I could increase it if I feel I need to, I just gotta call and let him know I did)... so maybe that will help, I'm gonna give that some time...
I woke up a little while ago with my right ear bleeding... had to call my ENT dr and talk to a nurse and let them know... they said just do my ear drops, and see if that helps, and if it doesn't they'll call in another kind of ear drops tomorrow... it seems like it might be helping though, my ear's not popping like it was.
I gotta get off here and make a few phone calls now that I'm startin to wake up a bit... gotta call my shrink to let him know I upped the meds, and call my sponsor, and a couple of friends that are probably worried about me since I emailed them and said I was gonna go inpatient...
I'm calling my doctor tomorrow.. I spent a lot of time talking to an online friend tonight.....I called my sponsor.... wound up calling my boyfriend when I was in a panic attack awhile ago, talked to him quite awhile....
I gotta get off here and make a few phone calls ..... gotta call my shrink to let him know I upped the meds, and call my sponsor, and a couple of friends.........
Here's MY thoughts, (and I'm not being ugly), but why not try BEING STILL for a bit? Of course I'm not telling you not to call your doctor(s) or sponsor, but geeze... All those "gotta calls" would make me nuts!
Not sure what "meds" you're on, and I'm certainly not a doctor, but I'd give serious consideration in to side effects, especially before 'upping them" and especially if you're on more than 1. Doctor's aren't always right, ya know.... I'm sorry to say this, and I'm only saying it cause I do care, girl, you're threads read as if you're high.......Try some common sense and use the brain God gave ya.
Also, you may give some thought to service work -when you've healed from surgery of course. Gettin' out of myself is the BEST medicine I can find for those days when I'm feeling squirrelly.
Please take care of you.
-- Edited by Doll at 16:15, 2008-01-17
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Doll, the meds I'm on are for bipolar... to control mania, and I've been manic... that's why I sound high, that's why I'm so wired... the one I went up on is the one that used to work best for me to control mania and help me sleep like a "normal" human being lol I'm a bit manic again today but a lot better than I have been. I called the dr, let him know I upped it (he'd told me before he thought I'd need to and that I could). Main side effect of this med is sleep, which I need more of lol
Being still??? don't know what that means lol no, really, I try to... but I can't seem to still my mind. I see my new therapist in a couple of weeks, and going to hopefully learn some relaxation techniques, the ones I try at night just don't seem to work usually. As for using common sense and using the brain God gave me... believe me, I try to... but my brain doesn't seem to be working too good lately... honestly, I feel high or drunk lately, so out of it and wired that my memory is shot, I can barely remember last night now, except for reading my post and a post somewhere else jogged my memory of everything. I mean, I remember it, but not very clearly. *sigh*
I'm wanting to get into some service work in AA, and also looking into training my dog for animal therapy (if it doesn't cost anything or much) because I'd love to do animal therapy and take her to hospitals and stuff, it'd help others plus help me and my dog I think. Right now I gotta get through this recovery from surgery, and I gotta get my mind to calm down a bit because I'm not really functioning...
Gawd... I'm rambling again, I'm sorry... I just can't slow down... :(
Hi i am so sorry to read your not very well,But do you have a higher power in your life who you can turn your life and your over to who will help you i know that helps me . Idont sleep well i never have but i know that if i ask my higher power for help with anything he is alwats there i hope this may help you and godbless you .Linda xxxx
Thanks Linda, yes, I have a HP and I try to turn my will and my life over to Him... but lately just having a real hard time staying in the moment and waiting for things to unfold... but I think I'm praying more lately than ever, praying that my HP will help me through all this... trying to rely on my HP, but also having to rely on the doctors and friends...
My bf pointed out that I gotta start trusting my HP and other people more, and I have big trust issues with people and do not open up to many people f2f and I'm gonna have to start doing that to build up more of a support system here. I've also realized I need to find a sponsor that lives closer to me, because though I really like the sponsor I have now, I don't open up to her much and it's because I don't see her f2f much and I guess that keeps those trust issues I have there, but if I have someone close that I can see f2f often, it would help I think... and there is someone I have in mind that I've been wanting to get to know better, I will see her at the meeting I'm going to tonight...
I haven't been to a meeting all week since having surgery Monday, I think a meeting will help a lot, might kinda get me "grounded" just a bit cuz I've been all over the place lately.
I'm sorry. I guess I didn't realize you were bipolar - knowing absolutely nothing about it my curiousity got the better of me and I spent some time researching it since I can identify with A lot of what you've described about yourself..... Found it interesting that the 'symptoms' are;
*thoughts of Suicide
*Alcohol and substance abuse
*Problems at school/work/failing out of school/work
*Divorce
*Not being able to function at work
*Alienating oneself from friends and family
The online test I took (from the MayoClinic) suggested I too am bipolar have General Anxiety and HIGHLY recommended I see a professional right away. pfffft! Not making light of your situation at all but personally, I think all of the above for me is just the symptoms of an alcoholic and/or for the lesser ones (divorce, alienation, etc) it's having a hard time with life on life's terms i.e. alcohol is a symptom...I found it interesting that there are no blood tests, MRI's or CAT scans, etc for diagnosis.... Cool what one can learn just from curiosity and GOOGLE.
~ Hang in there, my friend.
-- Edited by Doll at 19:33, 2008-01-17
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Doll, I used to justify that I *wasn't* bipolar by saying everyone has some symptoms of bipolar at some point, especially alcoholics... and that's true... and there are many times someone is misdiagnosed with bipolar because they were not honest about their alcoholism, which I tried to say happened to me... but for me, the symptoms are so severe that I do need the medication for it and cannot function without it, maybe for a period of time I could, but then I crashed again real bad... just got back on meds last week, and am having to wait for it to stable me out... When many of those symptoms (and there are more than you listed) pile up at one time, it is very difficult to function... and in the past month, maybe past 2 or 3 months even, I have had many of those symptoms all at once and bouncing around, and just can't do much of anything at all.
No, there aren't any tests to find out if someone is bipolar.. but... recent studies show that a bipolar person's brain actually is different from a "normal" person's brain, and they are doing more studies to see if they can use a brain scan as a way to see if someone actually is bipolar, and seeing if they can even go as far as to use that to determine what type of bipolar the person is and which medications would be best.... but as of right now it is still in the stage of studies and that's it... they are not using those tests yet to determine anything.
The bipolar is the main reason I haven't been able to work, that and the anxiety, when I'm unstable my anxiety is much worse too. You said something before about how I should expect to get crap for being on disability and gov't assistance... at the time I was fighting with myself about admitting to the bipolar and did not want to admit it to anyone else... people don't realize how disabling it can be, it is why I'm on disability actually and why I have not been able to hold a job even when I was on medicine before. I'm praying that now that I'm sober, with the right medication I'll be able to function again and go to school and actually work and be a "normal" human being... I want nothing more than that, but for now I have to accept help even from the gov't.
Sorry... gawd, seems like every time I start writing I'm rambling, and I don't mean to... I just really can't slow down.... :(
ChicknLittle wrote:You said something before about how I should expect to get crap for being on disability and gov't assistance..
That statement is incorrect! Please don't take my words out of context.......As an alcoholic added to my already whirlwind type personality, when I hear of something I know nothing about, I look 'into it' ...... my posts were only observations of myself and what I read online regarding BP. I find the topic of 'mental' illness quite interesting and somewhat baffling.......as sometimes I believe my mother has one, therefore, it concerns me about myself and my son!
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
you know people say "if one person suggests something, listen... if several people suggest something, you better take action".
Just a few thoughts. I have never personally been bipolar but have known several people in, and not in the program who are bipolar.
The biggest mistake I see people make is adjusting their own meds, or completely quit taking them because they feel better. My last boss's wife was infamous for not taking her medication.
My concern is now you are disregarding the suggestion several people in your life have given.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
Hi Lisa: Been following your thread and I have to agree with TH. Listen to those that are trying to help. My feeling is...Besides your critters, you have only YOU to worry about right now. Take the time and get well. Since Ive been on this board, you have had many ups and downs. If inpatient will work for you, maybe give it a try. They could stable things out for you, help you get back to basics and then....start a job, go to school like youve been wanting to. Your young, you arent working so you dont have that to worry about. I would love to see you take advantage of getting some help. Especially since you are so willing. I have found I cant do it alone and need to really ask for help alot of times. Of course, just a suggestion! Best to you! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
When I first joined AA I thought I was special, didn't need to do the steps, didn't need to do what everyone was saying I should do to get what they had.
HA! Was I wrong or what.
Three years into AA and I put myself into a 28 day program, because I was tired of fighing it all. It was the BEST thing that I had ever done.
Acceptance is the answer to all of our problems.
If you do go inpatient, and I really hope you do, go with an open mind and accept the fact that "they are there to help you".
Then, help yourself by accepting their help and doing what they teach you to do.
I have goosebumps here just thinking of my "28th Day" in that program, Graduation Day if you want. I didn't want to leave. But you know something, I still have all that with me today. As I'm sure you will too.
Good luck and God bless you!
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Until I know what I'm doing, I'll ask questions from someone who has what I want. If I don't like the answer, it's probably the one I need!
Lisa, I'm glad you're considering taking your help a step further if it's been suggested to you by people who know you. When you're high you're not always aware of it are you? When you're depressed it's even difficult to move. Well done for your courage & I'm glad you're doing whatever it takes to stay well. Bi~polar is a serious condition & not to be confused &/or misinterpreted as alcohol'ism'. The two can exacerbate each other & I don't think one is necessarily the cause of the other. Bi~polar, as I'm sure you well know is a physiological thing which for many needs medicating in order to manage well. I know it's not a case of 'mind over matter' & I can empathise & understand where you may be feeling. I have a friend with Bi~polar & she described it to me just yesterday. It sounds horrendous & I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I know anyone can experience the symptoms but it's a different kind of context, isn't it? I understand your pain & I'm glad you're getting help. 12Step programs will not cure or fix Bi~polar. This 12Step program will, indeed help me with my 'ism!' I hope you get all the help you need in both areas. I hope you're body's making up in health where you're suffering elsewhere. Good luck, chica. Keep posting where you are! Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Doll, I'm sorry, it's been awhile since that comment that I referred to, maybe I'd misunderstood it, and maybe I should've said something then, I dunno. At least as far as my memory serves me, I'd said something like "please don't give me crap but I can't work" and you'd said something along those lines... I probably shouldn't have even brought it up, I think I misunderstood and it bothered me at the time, but doesn't now... I was just trying to explain why I am not working and having to get gov't assistance... no hard feelings there, and I'm sorry if my bringing that up or if I took that out of context might have caused any hard feelings from you, that's not what I meant to do.
As far as not listening now that I'm feeling better... people in my life are agreeing to not go inpatient unless I feel I really have to... the mania I can deal with ok, it can be REALLY annoying, but I can handle it... because at least with the meds, I am sleeping, it may not be till 5 or 6 in the morning sometimes, but I am getting adequate sleep, so I handle it. It's when I go days without sleeping that it seriously gets to me and I can't handle it. So people in my f2f life that see me all the time, they say if I can just get through the little rough spots of depression like I was having when I started this post, then to not go inpatient, because the depression doesn't hit that bad that often... I could've gone to a friend's that night, my "adopted family's" house, but I didn't. But I have that option. My new homegroup, everyone there is willing to help me get through the rough spots... so they say if I can avoid inpatient, by all means avoid it.
Danielle, I like how you said... "12Step programs will not cure or fix Bi~polar. This 12Step program will, indeed help me with my 'ism!'" although us bipolar's do call it bipolarism from time to time lol But one thing I've noticed in dealing with all this, is even though AA definitely won't cure the bipolar, finding friends and "family" in the program helps a whole lot to deal with these rough spots that come from the bipolar... my new homegroup, every woman in there is bipolar, we joke about it being the bipolar meeting lol but it has put others in my life who understand and can help me through all this, and that means a great deal to me. AA has saved my life in more ways than one... before I came into AA, I tried bipolar support groups, it was just "whining sessions" and I didn't like it... we don't go into detail about our bipolar at my homegroup, but if we need to we can say we're having a rough time because of it, and then there will be people to talk to after the meeting in more detail... it really is a blessing to me to have found this group.
as sometimes I believe my mother has one, therefore, it concerns me about myself and my son!