"There's a good trick that people in dysfunctional relationships use," said one recovering woman. "The other person does something inappropriate or wrong, then stands there until you feel guilty and end up apologizing."
It's imperative that we stop feeling so guilty.
Much of the time, the things we feel guilty about are not our issues. Another person behaves inappropriately or in some way violates our boundaries. We challenge the behavior, and the person gets angry and defensive. Then we feel guilty.
Guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests, and in other people's best interests. Guilt can stop us from taking healthy care of ourselves.
We don't have to let others count on the fact that we'll always feel guilty. We don't have to allow ourselves to be controlled by guilt - earned or unearned! We can break through the barrier of guilt that holds us back from self care. Push. Push harder. We are not at fault, crazy, or wrong. We have a right to set boundaries and to insist on appropriate treatment. We can separate another's issues from our issues, and let the person experience the consequences of his or her own behavior, including guilt. We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated.
Today, I will let go of my big and little guilty feelings. Light and love are on my side.
Thanks for this, Daniella. I see my husband now doing this all the time, feeling and acting guilty about nothing. He has become very needy over the past month or so, and it is something that makes me uncomfortable, because I am no longer attracted to neediness and extreme insecurity that comes from codependency. It is something I have walked through and healed from before we even got married, but he has not yet walked through this healing process regarding neediness and CODA stuff. As I mentioned, it has just come out on his part as of late.
I reckognize that I need to love and accept him, while not feeding into his neediness. I try, by remaining level headed and emotionally "even" with him. And the most important thing is that I reckognize that his feelings of guilt and neediness are about HIM and not something I need to fear or obsess about. He is just going through a rough patch I guess, and the best thing for me to do, I have learned, is to remain Adult about things and not get caught up in assuming his behavior is always about me, because it isn't.
Thanks so much for the post, and have a lovely day!
Joni
__________________
~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
