I am a new member and new to seeking help, not for myself, but for my long-time boyfriend. He has been drinking since he was 14 and it has taken him down some bad roads in the past. He has admitted to me that he is an alcoholic and has tried AA in the past, but eventually he decided that it was only a problem if someone makes it a problem. I suppose he is a functional alcoholic. It only effects is work in the sense that he has to be hung over in the mornings he goes to work. When he is at work, which are very long shifts, he has no access to any alcohol and it doesn't seem to bother him, however when he is home, he begins drinking beers at baout 12 or 1pm and drinks until he finally falls asleep. He is never abusive to me in any way, but he is pbviously ion trouble. he makes himself vomit in the shower at night and has gotten "sloppy drunk" numerous times. He always does this at home, never out at bars or anywhere else. I guess the bottom line is he is drinking at least a 12 pack of beer a day, and many times when he runs out of beer he will finish off a bottle of wine. I feel like he is two separate people. If he continues at this rate he will end up drinking himself to death. I love him and want to help, but he gets so angry when i try to bring it up that we both just pretend there is nothing wrong. Please help. I believe that only someone that has been in his shoes can help me understand how to help him, or at least how to talk to him. Thanks for "listening".
Leave him for awhile. Alcoholics will not usually feel a need to get sober when they are in a relationship. It's when they end or they get fired from the job, go to jail etc.... that they "hit bottom". As long as you're around he'll think "I'm Ok I've got her". If he wanted to get sober his cfhances are about 1 in 20. If he doesn't, well you get the idea. Life is short start thinking about plan B and taking care of yourself.
I am sorry to read about your boyfriend but heres is nothing you can do like you i had stoped drinking but my partner had not so i stoped going to meetings to look after him and this made me so ill i did not drink again but i beceme a drydrunk and belive me thats so awfull so i had to let him do it his self and he has he has been sober for 8 years now so has got to want it goodluck my friend
I lost my girlfriend, who meant everything to me, due to absolutely screaming at her in a drunken rage. It was one of the key things that made me realize I really needed to stop drinking. Maybe if you leave him, at least temporarily until he cleans up, it will make him realize the liquor is causing so much harm to the things that mean the most to him. If he's continuing how he is now and keeps yelling at you and you keep taking it, what's going to stop him? Make him realize the booze is going to cut off all the good things in his life, hopefully most importantly being you, and maybe he'll wake up. Definetly did the trick for me, I won't be making that mistake again.
Bless you 123, I feel for you & I know it's hard to see what he's doing to himself & to feel you can't stop or save him. What's been shared with you is true. He has to do it for himself & it took alot of pain & a sense or fear of loss that taught me that. Going to Al Anon will help you to learn about & deal with the dis~ease of alcoholism & it will help you to feel like you're not going insane. His illness will be making you feel sick & stressed inside & that's alot to carry on your own. I hope you can get some help for yourself. He's responsible for himself. As much as you wanting to help him hurts you, he is responsible for himself. I hope you find some peace in looking after you, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
While I have no opinion on whether you should stay or go, I believe Al Anon will help you to learn how to deal with the situation, without enabling him. We here are Alcoholics, some of whom have experience in Al Anon as well. But a person in your situation would be best helped through Al Anon. There is an Al Anon page in this site accessable through the main MIP page and list of forums. There are hundreds upon hundreds of members there who probably have some marvelous advice and tools for you to use to help you.
Feel free to post here any time, and welcome to the forum!!
Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
welcome 123! Best of luck, great advise here! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Step-1 We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
Until this happens no help is possible for him. The only other thing I could suggest for him would be an intervention of his family and friends. Try to make him see that his drinking is destroying his life and his relationships. For you, I think Al Anon would be a good starting place. You will meet people that have been where you are now. Good luck. Bob.
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Work like you don't need the money
Love like you've never been hurt, and
dance like no one is watching.
Alanon is a good suggestion. However, if you are newly sober yourself, that needs to be your #1 priority. I haven't had the experience of trying to get sober while in a relationship with an active alcoholic, however I was qualified for Alanon before I ever took my first drink of alcohol.
Early in sobriety - I guess sometime in the first year - I tried both Alanon and ACoA. I felt out of place and it was a relief to go back to the rooms of AA. It wasn't until some years later, when I went through a divorce and then my alcholic/drug addict daughter moved back to town, that I became regularly active in Alanon. And I eventually found some serenity in my own past, and a way to forgive my alcoholic father - for being an alcoholic, and for abandoning me (by dying).
So I don't want to discourage you from trying Alanon, but just be aware that you might not be ready. I wasn't, until I had some period of sobriety, and was free of the codependent relationship I had been in. In my early sobriety I had to work on myself and that was all I could handle. AA for me is a matter of life and death. Alanon is more a matter of quality of life, especially in my personal relationships of all kinds. I need both today. An in fact, Alanon is also about working on myself, and I still find it's all I can handle.
