A double life

HangingInThere · Member

A double life

Sobrietyspell · MIP Old Timer

Hi HIT, welcome to MIP. I've read back on your previous posts & ask if you've read them again yourself since? Some very grown up advice there. I haven't much to offer with not having experienced children or marriage but I can say this if it's worth anything ~ It doesn't seem that your AH has much incentive to change his ways & he may be following the path of least resistance finding some comfort with this other woman who sounds to be just as bad as him so not a good influence. They would be co~signing each others bullshit all day & all night. Who knows what their relationship must be based on. At the risk of sounding judgemental, though in your favour, I would say for you to cut your losses & recapture your personal power & self~respect. Be the better example & take care of yourself above all else. I don't know if staying in this marriage is of any true value as 'stability for the children'. It must be a confusing dynamic for them to have this going on & condoned in any way. Tell me where to get off if you think this wrong of me but I think it's time you stood up for yourself, made a bid for freedom & left him to sort out his own mess. While you yourself are not prepared to take tangible action with regards to divorce he isn't feeling the full effect or consequence of his own actions. Do what you feel is right for you & do it wholeheartedly because there is a life for you & your children after this. Even if on completely different terms. You can still support your children & ensure they feel loved throughout. What do you think? This is a strident answer from me that I'm sure our more mature sober~vibers here may temper. Thanks for your tolerance &/or consideration.. Danielle x

Greatful · Newbie

HIT, this is probably going to seem odd that someone like myself is replying to this but... I was so to speak, your husband. I WAS that SOB that did to my wife what your husband has done to you.

I too had a long affair. I too blamed everything on my wife. Everything was her fault, my alcoholism was her fault, our marriage was failing because of her, my misery was her fault. This all, I finally realized was all bullchit. It was me, not her. I finally realized I needed help. I believe in my heart that God has given me another chance. I went to rehab and I learned what kind of miserable SOB I really was and why. Yes, I can blame everything on my alcoholism but that is a copout. I performed the actions. Yes, my addiction was an excuse but does it make it right? Absolutely NOT!

You mention, "and he is 60 days into real recovery". I am sorry to say this but you are wrong. If he was in real recovery he would have learned the word, Grandiose. Grandiosity is the feeling of superiority. It causes that feeling that there is always something out there that is better. It causes that self-centerness, that self pity, that resentment towards you. And guess what? That relationship with that other woman, it will not EVER work out. He will allow the grandiose to creep back into his life and he will try and find someone out there that is better than her.

You mention, " I've made his life pretty easy" Why? You are his enabler. Allowing him "to be a parent at his convenience" Why? To protect his image? To hell with his image. And your children? What does happen when they find out the truth about their father? Do you not think they ever will? You are kidding yourself if you think that. He is not giving his life and will over to his higher power. I'm sorry if this seems a little harsh but it is the truth. You say," he is still sad" He is still sad because he still is allowing the self-pity to control his life.

My advice. You need to start taking care of HIT and your children and quit being his enabler.

Remember this is coming from someone who has been there and has caused this kind of destruction to his family and I have noone to blame but myself. I know there is consequences for my actions. My marriage? My wife has allowed me to come back into her and my families life. Is everything great? Hell no. It is going to be a long road. Will she ever accept what I have done to her? Will she ever forgive? Time will tell. And if she never does forgive, I again can blame me, not her. I do know I have my sobriety, I have my God as I understand him.

Good luck to you HIT and God bless. Greatful

-- Edited by Greatful at 08:05, 2008-01-05

-- Edited by Greatful at 08:07, 2008-01-05

Phil · MIP Old Timer

Howdy Hangin..

Noone can tell you what to do with all this...

Your choices, and your decisions....and your life.

Being a member of Alanon...also..

There have been times when this kid has been full of delusion...false hope...and the big word "Denial" comes to mind.

Hope it all works out for you and the kids....whatever you decide..

All the best...one day at a time..

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

HangingInThere wrote:

I am hoping that through your es and h that I may clear some of the confusion in my head that seems to be holding me back in my recovery.

My questions for all of you is, can morality return with sobriety? Can he truly become and stay sober with such continued destructive action? Can he really get that much help, and not do what is "right"?

Hello H.I.T.
According to our program we must become rigorously honest with ourselves in order to get and stay sober. Is your AH sober after 60 days? Probably not if he's in a relationship with a practicing alcoholic, who happens to be married.

For one he may relapse while hanging out  with her, and two the dishonest behavior of engaging a married person should test his new sobriety or dry drunkness.   Usually these are three impassable objects to sobriety. new relationships in early recovery, associations with practicing alcoholics, and grossly dishonest behavior. His chances of staying sober are less than slim if he continues.

There are those few in the program that seem to be able to stay dry while engaging in those kind of activities, but I don't know how they do it. Certainly
none of us are saints when we get here and some are sicker than others. The
book says that we seek progress no perfection and it is a process. We don't just come in, get sober in a couple months and then they give us a halo. The process is sometimes referred to as "like peeling an onion".    There are many levels and fascets of dishonesty and just when we think that we're about as honest as Abe Lincoln, we discover another area that were in denial about.

I guess what I'm saying is it takes time. I've been where you're at (not exactly) but I think I know where you're coming from. I think that you're wondering how quickly your husband will recover and when will he get to a point in his sobriety where he'll acquire a total realization of his wrongs and issues, and act accordingly. And can it go back to the way it was in the past.   Probably a matter of years, and probably not (respectively).

If he does get sober, what you'll see is a new person emerging that continues to grow and change and likely it will not be a person who is familiar to you, and maybe a person that you'll not be necessarily attracted to, and visa versa.

That's certainly the way is was/is with my x-wife mother of my son. Although she and I are great friends today (18 years later) and she is physically a very attractive woman, our personalities (and lifestyles) are totally incompatible.
Our initial attraction to each other in the begining of our relationship was based on dysfuntional family dynamics. Those bonds are not a factor now that I'm sober and have well, matured. That relationship was based on need, similar to your AH's relationship to the A other. A book that would answer most of your questions (if not all) and give you a very good understanding about dysfunctional family structure is "On the Family" by John Bradshaw. It's an easy read and you can order on www.amazon.com .

As far as your recovery goes, the less you focus on him the more you can focus on yourself. And I wouldn't wait on him, he's a loser (to put it nicely) IMO, and I don't think that he's seen his bottom yet. His job, proffesion, and GF are enabling him bigtime and A/addicts usually don't get clean and sober till all the enablers leave. I know several people that have been trying (if you want to call it that) to get clean and sober for 15+ years and have been 10+ treatment centers and refuse to give up the kind of behavior you mentioned and subsequently can't figure out why their opinion of themselves is crap.
Our disease want's us to self destruct, so that we'll feel like crap and drink/drug/..... over it.

hope this helps,

Dean

-- Edited by StPeteDean at 11:39, 2008-01-05

Doll · MIP Old Timer

Morality CAN return with sobriety, but only if the one addict is practicing rigourous honesty with themselves and working a program with complete abandon...It wont' happen overnight, it's something that has to be practiced daily, but it can be achieved.....Prayers for you and your family, hun......

Jen, alcoholic in S.C. & recovering liar!