My recovery journey began in 1997, when I went to my first AA meeting, I knew I was an alcoholic because it very obvious to me that when I drank, I drank until I passed out.  In addition, I made very bad decisions.  When I drank I would do coke, or I would have unprotected sex, or I would weave when driving, obviously, alcohol was a problem.  I went to AA meetings for 2 years and havent had a drink since.  However, I continued to smoke weed off and all.  After all, the AA creed, says, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.  Wow, what great rationalization!  What a great way to keep my coolness and hang with my old friends, they drank, and I smoked.  No problem, except, I wasnt truly sober(only I didnt realize that at the time).

With weed, I could smoke and not get triggered into drinking.  Great, so I could smoke because the worst decision I made, was to eat too much chocolate, no big deal, considering where I was coming from. 

Seven years passed, and then, I turned 40.   Big assessment time, what did my life consist of.  I had a well-paying, boring job.  Yet, no husband, no children, broken relationships with my siblings, no real love relationships in my life, but I didnt know why.  Clearly, something had gone wrong.  I questioned what was the point of life?   My life felt boring.  It was boring, all I did was work and smoke.  I had not chosen my job, I realized I had the job by default, it was a family business, a job that enabled my addictions, no one could fire me. I had stepped into it, at 19, for lack of other options.  Job choices are few on small islands.  In fact, choices of all sorts can be limited on small islands, right?

Yep, geography was my problem, perhaps a new start in a new country would change everything.  I quit smoking,  white knuckled, it for six months, got some finances together and then I moved to London.  I went to a few meetings in London, but, then one night, a taxi driver offered me a smoke, and before I knew it, I was hooked, again.  Big city, small town, Im an addict, only I didnt accept it, or fully realize it.

I returned to the island, never went back to work, I simply smoked everyday, all day.  Three years later I finally hit bottom, I knew I needed help, I couldnt stop smoking weed.  I was depressed, broke, in an abusive relationship, and didnt want to end the relationship and face my demons, alone.  I was terrified.  I went to an AA meeting and I took a chip.  A chip for weed, of all pathetic things!

I got honest about why I was at the meeting.  And, somehow, without even really knowing I was doing it, I surrendered!  I know in hind sight, that I surrendered because I was finally so worn down, that I was willing to do whatever it takes.  As my mind cleared, I began to realize that not only was I an alcoholic, but I am a drug addict.  I came to accept that I had a disease, one called alcohol AND drug addiction.