Getting and staying sober has shown me just how afraid I am and have always been....... It started at a very young age. My first memories are in kindergarten. I didn't fit in. My coloring wasn't as good as someone else's. The other kids wore better clothes. I had to go to a baby-sitters after school while everyone else got to go home. Just to name a few things....That type of fear followed me thru grade school, junior and high school, even college! .... Like the story in the BB, I didn't know it was OK not to know, I thought everyone else knew something I didn't or they had gotten instructions!
Discovering alcohol at the age of 13 was my saving grace. Drinking made me feel better on the inside. Made me feel like I fit in. Made me feel pretty, smart, sophisticated. All that not knowing didn't matter while I was drinking. I could go anywhere, and hang out with anyone as long as I had my friend "booze."
Even after college - landing a great job in a worldwide corp., marrying a man from a "high class" family, getting the expensive home and car, I still didn't fit anywhere!!! I portrayed myself on the outside as being Jackie O, when all the while inside I felt like Mama Cass. (I've been told recently by very good friends that I acted like Anna Nicole while drunk!!! - ewww).... I continued to fill myself with booze so the facade would go on. I didn't know the day would come when my friend would stab me in the back. I did however know for years before I quit that I needed to. That it was killing me in more ways than just physically....Before I'd ever heard it in AA I knew I had 3 choices "sobered up. locked up. covered up." Yet, I continued to drink for several more years. I was afraid NOT to drink. My whole life revolved around it. Cocktails after work, margarita parties by the pool, expensive wine during the holidays. HELL! Even loading the boat for a day of fishing involved stocking up on beer. The beer was more important than the bait! I didn't know how to live without drinking. Until I crossed the threshold of AA.
I still fear many things. But it's become fewer and farther between. I'm slowly learning that I'm OK. And there's nothing wrong with just not knowing. The key is sharing those feelings with others in AA & with my sponsor. I'm amazed when they say they can identify. I thought I was the only one......
Seems the longer I stay sober the more my OCD has kicked in. I find myself wondering which came first, the thinking or the drinking, the drinking or the thinking....Some have suggested professional help. I choose not to take that path today. Therapy is cheap in an AA meeting. Besides this is of my own doing. The only way it will change is if I step up to the plate, recognize it, don't drink and keep coming back.
I know today, as long as I don't pick up a drink, I can continue to learn about me and to work on the things I'm afraid of. How else will I overcome them?!
Thanks for letting me share.
Merry Christmas to all.
(((hugs)))
-- Edited by Doll at 09:58, 2007-12-16
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Alcoholism has been described as "the lonely disease," and very few recovered alcoholics argue the point. Looking back at the last years or months of our drinking, literally hundreds of thousands of us remember feeling isolated even when we were among a lot of happy, celebrating people. We often felt a deep sense of not belonging, even when we cheerfully acted sociable.
If we felt guilty or ashamed of either our drunkenness itself or anything we did while drinking, that compounded our feeling of being an outcast. At times, we secretly feared or even believed that we deserved ostracism, because of the things we did. "Maybe," many of us thought, "I really am an outsider."
The lonely road ahead looked bleak, dark, and unending. It was too painful to talk about; and to avoid thinking about it, we soon drank again.
Although some of us were lone drinkers, it can hardly be said that we completely lacked companionship during our drinking days. People were all around us. We saw, heard, and touched them. But most of our important dialogues were entirely interior, held with ourselves. We were sure nobody else would understand. Besides, considering our opinion of ourselves, we were not sure that we wanted anybody to understand.
But we know now that we do not have to proceed all on our own. It is far more sensible, safer, and surer to do it in the company of the whole happy fleet going in the same direction. And none of us need feel any shame at all at using help, since we all help each other.
It is no more cowardly to use help in recovering from a drinking problem than it is to use a crutch if you have a broken leg. A crutch is a beautiful thing to those who need it, and to those who see its usefulness.
Thoughts of a drink seem to sneak into our minds much more smoothly and slyly when we are alone. And when we feel lonesome, and any urge for a drink strikes, it seems to have special speed and strength.
Such ideas and desires are much less likely to occur when we are with other people, especially other nondrinkers. If they do occur, they seem less potent and more easily put aside while we are in touch with fellow A.A. members.
We are not forgetting that almost everyone occasionally needs some time to himself, or herself, to collect thoughts, take stock get something done, work out a private situation, or just vacation from the stress of the usual day. But we have found it dangerous to become too indulgent about this, especially when our mood becomes a bit morose or self-pitying. Almost any company is better than a bitter privacy.
Tell somebody, fast. That at least starts to relieve the loneliness....................
~ Living Sober CH. 14 Fending off
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
[QUOTE] But we have found it dangerous to become too indulgent about this, especially when our mood becomes a bit morose or self-pitying. Almost any company is better than a bitter privacy. [/QUOTE]
This is so true!! I find I get myself in this rut all too often. I am comfortable being alone with myself, in fact, I seek it, but there are times when it's dangerous for me to be alone. I loved to drink alone. I'm very good at abusing myself mentally. I am my own worst enemy. I am finally noticing when I'm abusing myself and have been on the pity potty for too long. I've never been a phone person, so picking up the phone is reserved for desperate times when I have no other choice. Being around others and, being of service, sharing and laughing is where I need to be. I get instant healing, before I even enter the building, from the conversations people are having while outside smoking. Heck, I get instant relief when I'm getting into my vehicle to go to a meeting. My body lets me know THIS is what I need. Doesn't matter that my brain is out in left field and doesn't have a clue. Strange the things we notice in such back assward ways! lol
I'd like to share a fabulous quote I heard in a meeting:
My mind is a dangerous neighborhood. I dare not go there alone.
Spry
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My mind is a dangerous neighborhood. I dare not go there alone.
From your lips via HP to the hearts of those who abuse. Very profound share. Brings to mind what is said in the Bible about "walking through it (adversity) without fear....knowing I am with you." Let go and Let God..... Somehow through the many prayers, I was guided here where through the shares Ive learned how to cope not just with the disease of alcoholism, but in many other aspects of my life. Because of the hope, courage, support and so forth, I've found meaning to those words "I am with you always" and the words of the St. Anthony prayer about being "instruments". You are right Jen, about the material aspects. Those things are nice. Life, however, has more to do with "building and maintaining" the heart. Thank you for this share. Wanda
Thanks for a terrific share. There were so many similarities for me in the early stages of my drinking and why I drank. I have heard it so many times in meetings that people started to drink to feel that they fitted in. I felt that I couldn't relax and be me without a few drinks inside. Then, of course, the need for more and more drinks really took off.
For a long time I knew that I had a drinking problem, but I thought that I could manage it on my own. I remember once checking out an AA website and honestly answering the questionnaire. I was horrified at how many answers indicated that I had a drink problem. It was probably the highest score that I have ever got in anything!
I was so fearful of everything and everyone when I started back with AA. But, through working the steps and sharing with other people my fears are gradually getting less and less and I am more comfortable being me than I have ever felt before.
My only fear is that I'll pick up again one day. That really is the only thing that I have to fear today.
Thanks for your share.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
I am the Loner of all Loners, especially in recovery. It becomes my own worst enemy though, because sick thinking creeps back into this noggin' mighty quickly if left to my own devices. But I CRAVE being alone. What to do???
I GOTTA keep up with my meetings, and that is all there is to it.
Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
I too love all the posts here in this thread! I do have one asset that many of you say you dont posess and that is I love the phone.....but you see, I love it so much the wonderful tool (asset) has become my liability. People are sick of me calling all the time. But I say too bad, I know I am in trouble with my thinking all aone so I call anyway. Its my lifeline. Well hey I gotta admit it has gotten so much better now that I have all of you to ramble to and read your writings as well. This computer has become good positive company for me. Especially this particular board. I have yet to see "warm fuzzies" that I get from the "other board" but you guys are tough love all the way. I dont really like it but I love it if you know what I mean? Espeasially Dean. He rubs me the wrong way and that tells me that if I wanna live I better listen CLOSE to what he has to say!!!! Spry you are a very inspirational part of my day now, keep on postin please! Love you all! Allison
WOOHOO John Great accomplishment!! 90 days is awesome!!! Where ya been HAHA!! Welcome!!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Thoughts of a drink seem to sneak into our minds much more smoothly and slyly when we are alone. And when we feel lonesome, and any urge for a drink strikes, it seems to have special speed and strength.
Wow! did that not happen to me hard today or what!!!!! But just as suggested, went to a meeting, shared my problem, posted on here, made some phone calls!!!! Feel better already-and Im sober!!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Welcome to MIP, John. .. THIS ROAD IS A LONG ONE, BUT TOGETHER, ALL OF US AS ONE, WILL WIN BACK OUR SELF~RESPECT AND BEGIN WALKING OUR NEW ROAD TO THIS BEAUTIFUL THING CALLED LIFE. Never alone again. May you be blessed in your journey 1Day@aTime.
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
