Im having my mid-morning smoke break at work. I brought a cup of water with me which Ive never done. Im feeling antsy and self centered. I tell God that I surrender to his will. What do you want me to do? I reach in my pocket and fell my medicine I forgot to take. Then I see the water. I thought that was pretty obvious and a good start. I went to a meeting at lunch. This meeting usually a judgement fest for me but it was different. The topic was feeling self entitlement, using the "thats just how I am" excuse, and other sort of self rationalizing that I have been aware of and thinking about lately. So nothing too spooky yet (not that its going to get very spooky either) but still I feel guided and thats unusual. I decided that I wanted to play in a card game that I hadnt been to in a month. My better judgement says this is not the best game for me and that if I am serious about grinding out poker profit I should avoid it BUT I havent played live poker in a month and I WANNA I WANNA. On the way there I call to make sure they have a seat for me. I tell them I will call this other guy I know for them and see if he's coming. So I call him and he is in Texas but is glad I called because he's been looking for someone to help a drunk and everyones busy or not answering their phone. My first thought is that I too am busy. But I inquire who, get his number and go meet him for coffee. He obviously wasnt in a be-around-people kind of mood and there were about ten AAs at the coffee house so I said lets go for a ride. We drove around for 2.5 hours talking. My buddy was suicidal and very close to drinking. His suffering was "acute and constant"(from page 51 of the 12 and 12 in the 4th step). He wanted to feel something other than pain for a while. I think our marathon talk got him to feel better and a little hopeful. I certainly can share on constant pain and torment after the last year of my life. Then we go to a 10pm meeting and it was like scary how the meeting was all about this guy and what he was dealing with and he didnt even talk. The last guy to share was sober when I came in 11 years ago and a good friend in a see him at meetings sort of way. He shared his experience and his near drink stories and just talked about how f'ed up his instincts can get and what it does to him and wow it was powerful. After the meeting I told the guy I brought sarcastically "Im sorry that meeting was relevant for ya". He laughed. He was shocked too. The first half of the meeting was reading the 4th step from the 12 and 12 but it was just throwing darts at the guy. He said he had never stayed so focused and enthralled before in any meeting as much as he had. Instead of stalking his ex girlfriend after I dropped him of he said he wanted to go home and reread the chapter. I hope he did. I found out this morning that another buddy is in the hospital from a morphine OD. Im glad I didnt get the message I was supposed to get last night because I wouldn't have gone to that meeting last night but probably gone to help get this guy in detox which was handled just fine without me. I dont expect my friend to stay sober just because we had a long talk and went to a good meeting. But it sure felt right and like I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. I cant remember the last time I felt like that.
Im having my mid-morning smoke break at work. I brought a cup of water with me which Ive never done. Im feeling antsy and self centered. I tell God that I surrender to his will. What do you want me to do? I reach in my pocket and fell my medicine I forgot to take. Then I see the water. I thought that was pretty obvious and a good start.
I went to a meeting at lunch. This meeting usually a judgement fest for me but it was different. The topic was feeling self entitlement, using the "thats just how I am" excuse, and other sort of self rationalizing that I have been aware of and thinking about lately. So nothing too spooky yet (not that its going to get very spooky either) but still I feel guided and thats unusual.
I decided that I wanted to play in a card game that I hadnt been to in a month. My better judgement says this is not the best game for me and that if I am serious about grinding out poker profit I should avoid it BUT I havent played live poker in a month and I WANNA I WANNA. On the way there I call to make sure they have a seat for me. I tell them I will call this other guy I know for them and see if he's coming.
So I call him and he is in Texas but is glad I called because he's been looking for someone to help a drunk and everyones busy or not answering their phone. My first thought is that I too am busy. But I inquire who, get his number and go meet him for coffee. He obviously wasnt in a be-around-people kind of mood and there were about ten AAs at the coffee house so I said lets go for a ride. We drove around for 2.5 hours talking.
My buddy was suicidal and very close to drinking. His suffering was "acute and constant"(from page 51 of the 12 and 12 in the 4th step). He wanted to feel something other than pain for a while. I think our marathon talk got him to feel better and a little hopeful. I certainly can share on constant pain and torment after the last year of my life.
Then we go to a 10pm meeting and it was like scary how the meeting was all about this guy and what he was dealing with and he didnt even talk. The last guy to share was sober when I came in 11 years ago and a good friend in a see him at meetings sort of way. He shared his experience and his near drink stories and just talked about how f'ed up his instincts can get and what it does to him and wow it was powerful.
After the meeting I told the guy I brought sarcastically "Im sorry that meeting was relevant for ya". He laughed. He was shocked too. The first half of the meeting was reading the 4th step from the 12 and 12 but it was just throwing darts at the guy. He said he had never stayed so focused and enthralled before in any meeting as much as he had. Instead of stalking his ex girlfriend after I dropped him of he said he wanted to go home and reread the chapter. I hope he did.
I found out this morning that another buddy is in the hospital from a morphine OD. Im glad I didnt get the message I was supposed to get last night because I wouldn't have gone to that meeting last night but probably gone to help get this guy in detox which was handled just fine without me. I dont expect my friend to stay sober just because we had a long talk and went to a good meeting. But it sure felt right and like I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. I cant remember the last time I felt like that.
Hey BR, just inserting some paragraphs so I can read it. between my dyslexia and my add, it like looking for pennys in a brown shag carpet lol. comments later.
edit: I found that very interesting. you write well, I was right there with you. kudos for 12 step work! I'm so out of touch with that, I'm embarrassed. I've two kinds of friends, ones that have been sober awhile and a few that never made. I still hold out hope for them although most people have written them off. When I hear them do so, I remind them that they don't know what God's plan or timetable is for those people and that we were once thought "hopeless" too.
One of those "hopeless" and forgotten AA retred called me last week from Del Ray beach (the rehab capitol of the world) with 2 years sober! I was overjoyed. I had sponsored him in '93 just after moving to FL and he was about as "constitutionaly incapable" as they came, maybe from all those years working as a used car salesman. But never the less, it was the greatest gift I've gotten in a long while to get a call from him 2 years sober.
Baton Rouge, Times like you described ROCK. That stuff has GOD written all over it. Nights like that might not keep the guy sober, you are right, but it sure as heck starts us getting curious, and helps us to keep coming back in the future. It plants a HUMONGOUS seed. It sure sounds like the evening helped YOU immensely, to boot.
With your 'ramble' tonight, you have helped this alcoholic. I had not been praying much today, and this share tonight reminded me of how AWESOME our higher Power is, and I thank you for refocusing my attention on that tonight.
Joni
__________________
~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
