Well, no doubts that I am an alcoholic. Not a doubt in my mind. I admit that. It is the first part of Step One. I can't have one, I can't stop when I start, and I can't drink without trouble.
Is my life unmanageable though? This is the part where I get lost down the road, I believe. What to do?
I am making a commitment to look around me every day and acknowledge WHO is making this life of mine possible. Who is managing this? Not me. I look around the house, and I honestly see how this home and these tasks I complete daily, and my schooling and marriage and everything else is NOT of my own making. All of these things are ultimately a GIFT from my Higher Power. He is the one managing this, not me. He has given it all to me. I have not made this happen by myself. And had I not been sober before, I would not have been able to receive or HANDLE what I have in my life today.
So this is how I proceed with Step One. I reckognize that when left to my own devices, I LOSE sobriety, homes, cars, opportunities, relationships, stability, sanity, FREEDOM. The physical stuff might come and go even in recovery, and has before. But when GOD is running the show, when HE is "managing" my life I always have what I need, and THEN SOME.
It is this second part of the First Step that I have struggled with before. I don't want to repeat old mistakes.
Thanks for letting me share.
Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Hiya, Joni. If you'd like a little help in unearthing answers & thorough work towards Step1 you maight like the questions offered to TMc too. I found them really useful & they helped me to understand this disease & my reaction to it a whole lot more. Some of the language refers to the use of drugs in general but if we remember alcohol as a drug & a serious one at that we can answer those questions in that context. You may find it interesting for an activity & it will keep you busy a little while longer. Like posting on here does for me too ;) I get abit worried with the time I spend on here sometimes but at least tis keeping me sober & I definitely have to remember to be grateful for that! All things in good time. I'm sure I'll be capable & naturally gravitate towards more study as the time comes & my head & heart clears. Thanks God for God & this growing conscience. I'm understanding more these days God's Will for me. What a gentle yet challenging process. Thanks for letting me share too. I hope those questions are of some help to you. Let me know, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I think she means the questions offered to Tipsy?????
Yes, losing Freedom is also a big one for me. My choices are stolen away by the insanity because my mind cannot function past the limits of my next drink. I guess it's the void that once I give up that freedom of choices in my life, that means there is someone and something out there that is making those choices in my stead. Thus the powerlessness. It's such a brain scramble, and of course, under the influence, managability is impossible. Geez, even when my thinking is skewed, without any alcohol at all, things are unmanagable, yeah? And that's when I am so grateful that I could turn my life over to something greater than myself...Something that will guide and manage things despite me. hugs wren
I too was a "high bottom" drunk. Married, house, good career... but somehow it didn't seem real to me. I felt kinda numb about it and wondered why everyone else in my position was so content, happy etc... I had a long history of sabotaging my sucess and I was doing things that were risking losing what I had again, but why. Was I not worthy of what I had? Was it that I was worried that my wife, boss and all would find out who the real me was one day and abandon me? I was not thru with drinking until all of the above went away. I had to get down to just me and the program. Will it be that way for you? It could, but it doesn't have to be.
Shortly after I got 6 months (after 2.5 years of trying) I stumbled into a coda meeting, then and acoa meeting. It was there that I found out why I was sabotaging my success and "perpetuating my own abandonment". It's tragic that I didn't learn before the wife and son went away. Maybe I still needed the 3 years I spent single learning how to love myself,so that I could love others.
StPete wrote: "Shortly after I got 6 months (after 2.5 years of trying) I stumbled into a coda meeting, then and acoa meeting. It was there that I found out why I was sabotaging my success and "perpetuating my own abandonment". ~~~~~~~
this is me to a tee, the part about sabotaging successes especially.
I was a very LOW bottom drunk to begin with. Lost apartments, cars, and was homeless by choice (my disease's choice) in my early 20's. Was walking the streets for my next drink/drug. It had not been until recovery that I actually had a taste of an education, careeer, home, marriage, stability and peace of mind. This relapse FORTUNATELY did not swallow up my entire life... YET. I too spent several years single, and in recovery, which were the very best years of my entire life. I have often thought that if I found myself single and sober again, I would not complain.
I had a great F2F with my sponsor on the long trip home from our homegroup last night. I got real humble, and tough with myself. This is NOT guaranteed, this semblance of a life I have been granted through years of walking through trials and tribulations sober in AA. I really am going to focus this time, long-term, on the fact that just because things "look" rosey at 2 or 3 years sober does not mean I can let up on the spiritual striving and growth. It is in fact when I am most vulnerable.
I just have to let the Steps, especially Step One, remove the silly notion that I cannot end up right back on the streets, if I don't keep recovery through spiritual growth as my #1 priority.
Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
I too was a "high bottom" drunk. Married, house, good career... but somehow it didn't seem real to me. I felt kinda numb about it and wondered why everyone else in my position was so content, happy etc... I had a long history of sabotaging my sucess and I was doing things that were risking losing what I had again, but why. Was I not worthy of what I had? Was it that I was worried that my wife, boss and all would find out who the real me was one day and abandon me? I was not thru with drinking until all of the above went away...
Every once in a while I come across something on these boards that is so completely like an excerpt from my life that I wonder if I didn't get black-out drunk one evening, create a new account and post it myself.
TM you're comparing in, that's good. We are more alike then we are different, that's why we laugh soooo hard at speakers meetings because 9 times out 10, we've all done the same stuff. The good news about that is that we can all do the same stuff to get sober. If it'll work for a arrogant, self centered, impatient, intollerant, sob with a mean streak 3' wide and a chip on each shoulder like me, it'll work for anyone.
