Hi Joni,

Enjoyed reading your post. I've become quite a home body myself (in between my 18 trips out of town lol).
What was sorely lacking in my program, for the two years that I couldn't get more than 2 months, was the fellowship. I was comparing out, trying to lead a dual lifestyle, and along with that came the thoughts that I was not as sick as most of the others so I didn't want to hang out with them. I many cases I mistook humility for weakness or lack of character and kindness as an ingenuous gesture (read phony) because I wasn't feeling that way, how could anyone else. I was judging other peoples outsides to my insides and it hurt so my ego covered it up with false pride and told me that I was above those people and too smart for the program. Needless to say I didn't get it, and I didn't know what I didn't know until I got a sponsor that was a lot smarter than me and told me how full of **** I was. I didn't like it but I knew that I didn't want to go back where I had come from so it became apparent that I had to let go of my old ideas absolutely. It was the turning point in my sobriety.

Once I gave in, started sitting at the table meetings instead in the back up against the wall, by the door and letting those people get to know me by truly sharing how I felt, the embraced me and I became family. Once again my brain had been telling me that I didn't need what I needed so badly. It was the loving family that I never had. After that I started going out for coffee and dinner with this group and that group, and pretty soon after that I started having real friends that I called and did things with regularly. Now I have a large group of friends that I known for 10 to 20 years, kinda like HS or college buddies. It's really strange I forget that we're all sober, they're just my friends today.

Now I'll admit that I don't get to a lot meetings anymore but I talk to (or email) several old AA friends a day, and my sponsor twice a week. That's the benefit of joining the fellowship. A meeting is when two or more AAs get together and talk about staying sober.

Hey Joni,

I took you second post as a question about "doing enough"  How's your spiritual relationship with your HP doing?  Do you have a visual image of the "HP of your own understanding"? 

Mine is like a father figure that sits in the football stands of life cheering me on to have all the great things (experiences) in life.  I think of my HP as a friend that I've known forever. He's always around and can hear me when I talk to myself (I do that a lot it's crazy I know lol).  But HP hears me say things like "God I wish that someone would show me how to do or where to get it..."  and then I get a phone call from someone with the answer, just like that.  I don't question it, I immediately thank HP in a loving glowing way and get this
warm gooey feeling of love.

I've posted but maybe you didn't see it, that from the begining I've prayed daily for the obsession and compulsion to drink and drug be removed. I also prayed daily for the willingness to work the steps and do the program.  I also prayed that I might become a nice person (that one I'm still waiting for )
 
I scheduled my 5th step on my 6th month aniversary with a Priest.  The second night, when I finished it, I walked out of the house where the priest lived and knelt down by the lake behind the house and emotions flowed, I cried, I rejoyced, I felt a great weight lifted from my shoulders and when I got up I walked about 4 feet off the ground.  I got onto my motorcycle and had the ride of my life, so in the momment down this curvey road thought the back woods of northern VA.  I can still see it vividly now.   These are the spiritual awakenings for me that the book talks about.  I had one other when i was drying myself out that involved the presence of evil (my disease) and me praying for that to be removed.  How are you doing with working the steps? Any reluctance for certain steps?

Joni, I know that my disease is alive and well and wants me to drink, drug and kill myself.  I'm very fortunate to have experienced a lot of the "Yets".  I'm a text book garden variety fairly low bottom drunk and I'm extremely grateful that (and I say hopefully) have been through enough to never question the severity of my disease.

Hi guys/gals.
Thanks so much for your input. I once read a pamphlet called "AA Second Reader" from the Akron Ohio Intergroup Office. It describes how there are different 'types' of AA's. That not everyone gets what they need, or is able to give back, what everyone else is or does in the same ways. That we should not feel guilty if we are not doing this fellowship/meeting thing the EXACT same way that someone else is. That AA as a whole gets what it needs in order to to thrive, by all different kinds of people giving in different ways. I had forgotten about this.

I am doing the best I can with each day I have, so time to put away the fear and the baseball bat, and the tendency to compare.

If I did not make a good enough effort to get to a meeting yesterday, well, SO BE IT... I am headed to one tonight. I had a great day with a lady friend in the program too, right here in my own home, chatting for hours.

I have no fear of any steps, and I am back on the horse, so I need to just breath deeply and let the program take me where it will take me, and not ME trying to organize and arrange my own recovery. timne to let go of this self-criticism and live in the moment, and do the next right thing. Meeting. Tomorrow will have it's own concerns!

Thanks a lot!!

Joni