Sorry y'all, I've gotten way behind on reading posts here, between driving myself crazy last week lookin for a place to live, and this weekend tryin to keep myself busy and not worry about where I'm gonna live lol
But I went to a good meeting last night, topic was fear... an oldtimer I know there pulled out As Bill Sees It, which I have but have never really even opened lol he showed me where it lists different topics and where to find them in there, told me to read the ones on fear. I spent some time earlier reading... and realized it's time to face some fears or things are going to get worse and I will continue to feel worse...
I just emailed my dad. I couldn't bring myself to call him, I couldn't face being put down and being made to feel like I'm a failure and a screw up, like it always is when I talk to him... so I emailed, and he will get it tomorrow when he gets to work (he doesn't have email at home). I told him the situation I'm in right now, told him I know I should've talked to him sooner, told him I did not want to admit failure to myself or to him. I told him I did not want to ask him for financial help because I've done that too many times in the past and never paid him back, but that I just need him to bear with me this month until I figure out what I'm doing. Told him I'm applying for gov't assistance to help with things, between medicaid, food stamps, section 8, and looking for subsidized housing. Said that I am trying so hard to become more self-sufficient but that I'm needing help that this gov't assistance will give me.
I also explained to him the reasons I have not been looking for work since right after I moved in here (and it is a lot more reasons than I let on here, so please no one start on me with that). Told him my sponsor and others who know the whole situation agree I do not need to try to work right now... and I'm praying he won't start in on that with me. I've never been totally honest with him about that, and I'm praying now that he just accepts it and doesn't harp on me about it.
I went ahead and (finally) told him my plans for school next year and that I will be apartment hunting in Iowa in a couple of weeks, because of the deal of having a year lease wherever I rent from so I probably need to go on up there, told him I had not planned on moving so soon, had been planning on April, but that I'm doing whatever I can right now and we'll see how it works out.
This was really hard for me... confessing to my dad what is going on in my life is one of the hardest things that I ever have to do, because all my life I've been made to feel like a failure, and I make myself feel that way enough without others adding to it. It is one of those big struggles I have with family... although I do realize I have given them many reasons to feel that way towards me, but those feelings from them started before I even began to screw up my life with alcohol and such and I have a really hard time accepting that that's just how it is, that's how it's gonna be... it is a big struggle to be down here close to family, and a lot of it is because of that, those ill feelings between us. But... I did what I had to do, had to tell him what is going on and why I have not paid rent and am not able to. I don't want him to continue to give me a free ride or anything like that, and I told him that, just asked that he bear with me right now, this month, while I figure things out.
In some ways I feel a bit better, finally fessing up to him... at the same time I'm dreading his response. I need to let it go though, I know that. I need to not worry about it, and whatever he says is whatever he says. I know he won't kick me out, I won't be homeless. I guess the worst that will come from it is more ill-feelings between us and more being made to feel like a failure... but... I ought to be used to that by now and I can't let it bother me so much.
Sorry... I'm rambling as usual... I hope everyone here is doing ok... I wanted to take the time to read through posts, but I really need to get some things done... I've really gotta get back to my 4th step today, something I read earlier was saying how the fear of facing those things in the 4th step, and the bad feelings, isn't a reason to put off the 4th, that not working on it just enhances all that... to work on it every day even if it's just for 10 minutes... it was a good reminder that I need to get busy.
........ the reasons I have not been looking for work since right after I moved in here (and it is a lot more reasons than I let on here, so please no one start on me with that).
.... I am trying so hard to become more self-sufficient but that I'm needing help that this gov't assistance will give me.
.......all my life I've been made to feel like a failure....
Sorry, hun, but if you put it out there, you can't control the type of feedback you're gonna get.
In my most humble opinion, self-suffiency and government aid do not belong in the same sentence. Being self sufficient is doing for yourself - Period.
You're not the only person who's ever felt like a failure, or been made to feel like one. Hell girl! I'm living the American dream ( house, car, job, etc ) but if you talk to my mother I'm the biggest fuck up there is! Why? because I'm a drunk! Because I could be 'so much farther along in life, if you just hadn't pissed it away with booze'. So, get over it, and get on with your life otherwise the fear will consume you. Fear and resentment go hand in hand. The BB tells us resentment is the #1 offender. And I can vouch for that!
Prayers......(((hugs)))
__________________
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hey Lisa, hope things take a turn for the better soon for you. Just keep staying sober and more will be revealed. Try and save energy by writing your goals down. Once you've written your goals, when choices, ideas etc come up, ask yourself "Is this going to take me closer to or away from my goals?" It makes decision making a hell of alot simpler, especially for compulsive people like me.
Lisa, When AH left I tried to apply for government aid, ins. ect. The job I had only covered me ---healthwise. It scared the HELL out of me. I had a daughter to take care of. We simply tightened our belts. Cancer hit. It didn't scare me at all....in as far as chemo, dying ect. The debt.....even with insurance.. was overwelming. Everyone wanted theirs and theirs now. The house I found to rent...old and windows let in air as if they were opened. So along with med bills came high heat bills......gas was turned off. Wages garnered for two of the hosp. bills while I was getting the others paid down/off. Bought space heaters closed off rooms that two didn't need, wore more clothing, didn't use the dryer. Hung clothes a way above heaters. SCARED, very much!!!!!! Initially was refused the aid so had to be resourceful in other ways. Did get gov. ins. for my girl. Never used it!!!!! They even gave me ins.-----after the cancer bout. Never used it!!!!! Went to second hand shops and found some great deals. Persevere, persevere!!!! It didn't happen over night. I survived!!!!!! All those debts were paid off. Know what I still hang my wet clothes above the register or hang them out in warm weather. Have enough food, heat,ect. And STILL shop those little haunts for clothes. ( Someone at my church remarked once, about the lovely suits I wore. You'd have to know this person......she was "fishing" about how I could afford them. Told her "thank you" and left it at that.) I am the oldest of 6 kids. Lived in a 4 room house that had no indoor bathroom. My grandmother owned the place and was a miser. We had a wringer washer that we had to change the tubs of water in between "loads" Clothes were hung on line even in winter. Bunk beds for 5 in a tiny room. Baby sister still in crib was in folks' room. We all had our chores. (My dad would work on others vehicles.....guess who got to hand tools!) We finally got two extra rooms and thought we'd landed in heaven and a real working bathtub. LOL Huge garden.....hours of picking the crops. Ugh! How I hated those times.......at the time. When I got old enough to drive wanted a car. Got told find a job. Ugh! Hated it but I did it. Paid for that Torino ALL BY MYSELF! Hubby was the next to youngest. things were a little different for him. Huge beautiful house. Gas right out of the "farm tank". Clothes ect, ect. He'll say he had to earn by working on the farm. Maybe. All I know is that he seemed to have cash all the time. And so when we got married......didn't think twice about buying a new car AND truck. This while I was making double payments on the house and had already paid for most of the furniture, washer and dryer....... Fast forward: To make a long story short......he went out and found a mistress who had a fancy sports car, prestigious job and drank probably every bit as much as he does. He couldn't cope with the financial strain that we were under. Yet everything I suggested.....somehow seemed like a new idea coming from her,,,,,,like file bankruptcy and start over slowly all while she bought him clothes, bought him trips to Jaimaca and Cancun, he drove the sports car, and she got him a motorcycle with all the body gear. At the time, I thought my parents were such ogres. LOL But when it mattered most..... all those things were handy. I found I COULD DO IT! AH put me down emotionally, told me I was lazy, wouldn't amout to anything and so. The last time he spoke to me......swears I've got the help of a boyfriend. Sorry ole chap! He is dead wrong. As fast as the first tear fell that is how fast the laughter over his comment started. My own thinking.......he is jealous so to speak that I could accomplish what he was unable to. Lisa as for sobriety you have done fairly well. Yet like Doll said......stop allowing whatever fear has set in. It is very much like taking on sobriety. Take that first step.... I guarantee you will be amazed with each little accomplishment and feel soooo much better. Failure is only something feared to try. Best to you, Wanda
Hey Dean, Hope you didn't think I was handy at electricity.....although I can do minor stuff like a table lamp. Yep, I can be resourceful. (It takes much imagination to walk acrossed the road, move a generator, and then move in when the power goes out. LOL) Power stayed on all day. The trees stayed drooping but most everything else went clear as the temps rose some. Tomorrow......another day. At this point Dad not worried. That's the way he does things. Waits til it NEEDS to be done. LOL So I stayed home except for a short trip to town. Wanted to see road conditions. Hwys. not bad. The ones across the road.....neice and sisters and mom made Christmas candies. My county still under "ICE WARNING" Was on the south end last night and now til 6:00pm tomorrow (Mon). And the forecast another front coming RIGHT behind it. A town west of here about 50 mis.......no power at all!!!!!! So far we are blessed right where I am. Wanda
Hey Lisa, You may be suprised at what your dad has to say....The point is, no matter what, you were honest with him and you are sober! So, your right to leave it go and let God's plan work out how it will! Lani
__________________
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Lisa, I can really relate to where you are at right now. I have had that conversation with my folks so many times in the past. And the response, for so many years was the same... negative and controlling. But things have changed in my relationship with my family over the years, and I hope it does for you too. I am not neccesarily very self-sufficient now, although I am married now to a very sufficient person. But all the same, I need their help still once in awhile, and I still get the heeby-jeebies when I have to explain something to them or ask for help.
So all I can say is that you are doing the very best you can, and whatever your dad's response is, you can still know and believe that you are a precious, worthy child of your Higher Power, and that where you live, or how much money you make will never ever change the fact that you are a beautiful and valuable person.
Joni
__________________
~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
