Lately my isyms have been poking at me a bit harder which probably means I need more meetings. BUT I think my ego is telling me that with all the sober years behind me that its just an aging factor phase. For my first twenty or so years I averaged around 5-6 meetings a week and was quite active. In the last ten or so years Ive skidded to maybe probably 1 every 2 weeks if I get honest with self. Fortunately Ive no desire to drink, YET. The signposts creeping in are Im more intolerant, have financial insecurity, control issues, and dumb fear issues like going to more meetings and worrying if others might think Im coming back because I drank! Ive definitely become more of a loner and attribute most of these things to aging, which we are, some better than others. Part of my skidding is I didnt hear much of the old hard line AA like sit up front, take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth, etc now I hear O you poor thing, if I drink I can always come back, Im different! And a biggie for me: I got very tired of hearing glorified war stories and not enough about RECOVERY!OK hammer me and say I need to do the steps AGAIN. JBE WELL
There have been a few posts recently about slips/relapses and I have found them very helpful. I am coming up to two years of sobriety and I could easily think that I would fine without going to my regular meetings. But, I know that that would lead me to picking up again.
I know one guy who had seventeen/eighteen years of sobriety. He stopped going to as many meetings and eventually stopped going altogether. He now is back in AA and doing as many meetings as he can. He picked up again and he has told me that it was a nightmare.
For me, I need to keep going to meetings and being active in AA. I need to tell people how I am feeling and what's going on in my life. And, I constantly need to keep working and re-working the steps. I know that AA does work and I need to surround myself by people who are a shining example of that to me.
I do hope that you'll keep posting here and let us all know how things are going for you and share your ES&H with us.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
The 'hard line AA' plan sounds a world of good to me. I am back in recovery after several years sober and then relapse, and compacency is what took me back out. Please don't do what I did! Wish I could have gotten my own head screwed back on straight before the 'mess', but I can't go back, and I am grateful to have another chance today.
Joni
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~~"It's hard to be hateful when you're grateful."~~
Hammer you? Hardly, especially when the same has been done, thought and said by the many of this group. Without judgement and open arms...."WELCOME" Feel free to open your heart. You'll find you ARE among friends who understand and will hold you up during those times you yourself may not feel strong enough. Best to you, Wanda
Thanks again for the encouragement. Fortunately I recall saying many of the same things to newbies when doing newcomer meetings. I have that built in forgetter that kicks in at times and today I recall reminding them that all the slogans are needed and some more at times than others. Today is the day for how important is IT? Mostly it isnt, especially in a few hours or in a day or two. Some people will say most issues for me are control issues. No argument! BUT I still am agitated standing in line at the market 12 item checkout and someone, beating the system has more than 20 items and the person doing 28MPH on a no passing 45 MPH road. I know, Pray for them and tolerance for myself, sometimes I can, but not enough! YET. BE WELL I'm off to follow my lady in the mall.
My AA sponsor is an over the road driver, so he has AA friends all over the US, many of whom he's known for years. He celebrated 26 years sober this past August.
He had a close friend who was a recovering alkie, and a professional counselor. She excelled in her field, had good quality sobriety, was able to leave the job at the office.
She was so admired for her work and dedication, she was promoted to a position under the governor of her state in addictions research/treatment.
Friends and family were starting to see a lot of red flags. Her meeting attendance dropped down. She became angry and resentful. She claimed the other people she worked with were taking credit for HER hard work. She started hanging up on her concerned AA friends who called.
She had 30 years sober. She picked up that first drink, which led to another and another and another.
By the time she was picked up, she had progressed to meth and cocaine along with the booze, and was unrecognizable.
She was admitted to a psychiatric facility and put on suicide watch.
She managed to gouge her jugular vein with a plastic fork she had been given with her meal (no knife).
Despite their best efforts to save her, she had damaged the jugular beyond repair.
She was on life support and was pronounced brain dead.
Her family made the painful decision to pull the plug.
I believe the time between that first drink and her death was less than two months.
I firmly believe that the disease is still there in the back of my head, doing pushups, waiting for me to become complacent.
I am 17 years sober now and am starting up some therapy later this month. I have some issues that are just kicking my can, including deep depression, and I do NOT want to end up like she did.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
Thanks Joni. You summed it up nicely when you said you are here today and have the choice to stay!
I've found for me that 'time' can be my enemy. I have to remember that all I have is the 24 hours put in front of me. I can really appreciate what Phil said about 'banking on yesterday's sobriety.
All any of us really have is today.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
Thanks for the E, S & H, TenderheartKS! I counted yesterday's sobriety, even skipping taking my 17 year cake, and telling all my AA friends: "I'll take one next year for 18." Three weeks before 18, having stopped going to meetings entirely for a year, I took that first drink. If anyone had told me that morning I would be drinking later on that day, I would have told them they were crazy. Talk about cockiness and denial! I'm grateful today to have made it back after 2 years of drinking; I am 15 mos and six days sober today. Starting over again has not been easy, basically because of my pride and ego. But, I got a sponsor in my first week back, have been going to meetings nearly every day, and trying not to spend too much time alone so that my head can't take off on its attack. Only by the grace of God am I sober today.
I have also noticed alot of people with good long sobriety are going back out. It does help me to see that I cannot stop doing the next right thing. For me, going to meetings everyday! The beauty is, your aware of the stuff going on in your head and you know what to do about it!! Im new , very new, and find the more sobriety I get the closer I come to thinking that "Im not that bad!!" Thats the time I have to stop and get back on track and play the tape as it is said! Welcome and keep coming back! Maybe this is a push for you to go back to meetings and share your ES$H the old fashioned way! It worked for you, maybe someone else needs it!!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
BGG, I'm grateful that you made it back alive and are sober today!
I did drink again after 4 years sober the first time around, and it was horrible. I was only out there for two months, but that was enough for me. I was never a blackout drinker until I picked up again. My mental state in between binges was horrible. I would cry at the drop of a hat, and I had this sense of impending doom, fear, and shame. The progression was frightening.
I know I've got another drunk in me, but I'm afraid I punched my 'sober up' ticket for the last time. I don't want to take that chance.
I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
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"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguements and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
~Herbert Spencer
TenderHearts, I appreciate your share. This past week alcohol in part was responsible for another death in my family. In 1982, a brother-in-law took his life. Lethal amounts of alcohol were found in his system. A chemical engineer earning good pay prone to black outs ect. Found in a closed garage..car running. I had never dealt with a suicide before. Nightmares and husband dealing with this loss by ....... drinking. Such confusion. Fast forward.....husband's nephew. Hanging. Service this past Thurs. And as I looked out over the attendees....... the bulk were "good timin' friends" of which many had went straight to the tavern (that AH and mistress) run. Both after wake and service. When I went to the home after learning this news, there sat sister-in-law ..... one after another. Along with my 20 yr. old daughter. Be proud, all of you here, who have realized the caos alcohol has caused in your lives. Be proud for each day you have or are taking control and conquering this demon. You have chosen life! It certainly is not easy...... Whether you are a newcomer or oldtimer.....I commend you. And pray for you all that you will continue and reap the benefits that sobriety offers. May others follow your lead.
Visch 1, Good for you for not picking up. I am by definition an Alanoner. Was a social drinker in my 20's. I was sooooo naive about alcoholism. Whether one drinks or not I have learned that the 12 steps as AA is for EVERYONE! Many of your self proclaimed attributes can be found in those on either side of this "fence". I came here to learn and I have. Learned that just because I didn't drink I was in many ways as imperfect as AH. Kept coming back reading and reading until it "clicked". No it wasn't easy to change attitude. Internally this past week it was tempting to SCREAM....... (Those little thoughts of saying "Can't you see... alcohol played a part? or "When will you wake up?" ) Over and over I had to tell myself......'Love them anyway'. I came to AA/MIP seeking help same as you. That my friend makes us equals! We are both trying to cope with this disease. On a daily basis, I too have learned that the tools when needed can be applied to just about any scenario life has thrown at me. I have had cancer......used the tools and went through it without ANY fear. Lost the boob, gained life. Was left virtually with nothing when AH took off with mistress. He took all valuable assets. Still had one of three children to care for. Found a country home to rent that leaks like a sieve in the winter. Cancer left bills. Everyone wanted theirs and theirs NOW! Wages garnered. One utility shut off. I NEVER gave up! Kept reminding myself daily of all that I had learned through AA. Many times over, thoughts crept in and feelings of anger. Daily, daily, daily I reminded myself of AA lessons. And soooo life has went. And I have survived/am surviving! I just do it differently. Each day one day at a time! Thank you AA!!!! Thank you my MIP family!!!!!!
Dear Wanda,,, What an awesome share. What doesnt kills us makes us stronger came to mind! Read your posts and am awestruck by your strength!!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Lani, Aren't you sweet? If you only knew how steep that mountain looked at times. LOL Still haven't reach that summit..... God willing.....He'll (God) will be there with opened arms when I do. 'What doesn't kill us...makes us stronger' ..... last time I heard that one, AH was in a rage....trying to defend his actions of his adultery and his reasons for leaving me. Hmmmm? This coming from the very same mouth that has drank himself into a heart attack (still has another artery that as far as is known is 95% blocked. Pride refuses to get it fixed.), has had his veins stripped in one leg because they were soooo blocked he was having difficulty walking. Took a hard fall that led to ER trip to get that one done. His breathing has been labored since before he left. Has sleep apnea. Is well over 200lbs now. On a couple of RARE occasions when he has spoke civil to me since......there has been some serious recall or memory lapses. All of which has happened since he left. At one time or another we ALL get knocked down. That is part of life. I just made the choice not to allow life (namely AH's abuse of alcohol and all that has went with it) to knock me out.
Welcome to MIP, Vic. I'm really glad you've come along & told us where you're upto. That shows a real desire to renew your program & get back with it. Sometimes I think we get abit bored & need some excitement to lift us to the next level. So, reaching out with a question or a challenge can be a great route forward for some stimulation & latest reveals. I was absolutely horrified to read of Tenderheart's story & I never want to go there. Just for Today ~ I am gratefully aware that I am not special or unique enough not to be vulnerable to that kind of insanity in certain circumstances so I am doing all I can 1Day@aTime to veer with help from fellowship & AA toward a different direction. I hope you get the inspiration you're looking for. Keep at it dear one. You've done & are doing so well. Keep coming back. Also to you, Patches ~ Welcome to MIP! I hope you gain lots from being here too. Share some more & let us know how you are. Loads of love & fellowship in recovery, Danielle :)
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
welcome Vic, thanks for the perspective. And thank you too Wanda, I don't know what to say that's just stunning. I hope I have as much courage to face whatever life has in store.
