Actually my username is a joke. I'm no girlscout. I've tried to quit, but I often need a few to get the edge off. I've given myself all the reasons to drink:
I'm second wife, and his grown kids were hostile to his divorce.
I live far, far away from all my family and friends. The only friend I really have out here is my husband.
I've lost my will to work and be useful in life. I've always been a little socially withdrawn, but this surprises me. I survived a very hard time of my life by answering the challenge of being there totally for others. It was the only thing that saved me. I'm older now, and I'm in a situation where its a small town and I can't easily arrange to work in a field that I am well trained.
My love is a different kind of drinker. When we first met, it was fun, an escape. Then I left home to be with him. I never pressured him, I understood that sometimes breakups are power plays, and he might change his mind once he took the big step after being married for almost three decades. I advised counseling, as a friend, and he tried that, but she would not cooperate...she liked things just as they were, even though he was so unhappy. So I was willing to be there temporarily. But he wanted a firm commitment from me. I had to come here with all I owned. Once I got here, I just never knew what he really wanted. I can take anything, as long as it is the truth. He became withdrawn, and when he drank he did it deep. His kids pressured him to send me home a few times, and I'd be lying if I said I ever got over that. The truck arrived the second time to take my things back the day of 911! But I loved him enough to come back across country, and marry him. He's a great guy.
He worries me because anytime he drinks he has to get blotto...falling down drunk. He's always had some reason to do so the whole time I've been here, and its been seven years now. His divorced cleaned him out financially, his kids played guilt games, he was well loved at work and then suddenly "retired" by a real jerk of a new boss who was insecure in his position. I tried to get him to see a doctor, because I assessed he was depressed. He finally did this year, and he takes medication, but to no avail. His very dear Mother died this year, just before Mother's Day. She was a peach! And the only friend besides him that I had out here. His Dad handled the trajedy by being supremely cruel to the both of us. We are strapped financially, and he has put us in a pressure cooker situation, wanting to make a big profit selling a house to his son. I'd rather have a fresh start somewhere else, in a larger city where I may be able to find a job. His Dad told him the day his Mom died that he intended to be a monster now, to him. Instead of binge drinking I just let him know what an asshole I thought he was.
Hubby stayed sober for her, in her last months. He has great will and force of character. He just choses now to let go. I've talked it all out. I told him I won't be around for his slow suicide. It only works for a day.
We don't have much left in our relationship except for friendship. I'm afraid of losing that. I really hate it when he gets blotto. I've hid booze on him and he protested that no one ever did that to him. Well, maybe no one had to!
I'm afraid of starting to hate him more than his problem.
Welcome girlscout! Sounds like you have a lot on your plate! Check your profile to see where you live etc, but its blank. You can update it is you want..... You sound sad and lonely...You will find alot of hope and friendship on this site and Im glad you found it. I feel like the people on here are some of the best people, friends, I ever met. Stick around....You'll be pleasantly surprized!!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
It's sad when people that you you think you care about are trying to destroy themselves, and in reality they are going to take down anyone that's around them. It's hard to have self esteem and be functional in a relationship like that, but I'm sure the red flags where there all the way down the line. Been there down that. Trouble is, that you cannot fix a car and drive it at the same time. We have to get out of sick relationships to work on ourselves. Just as an alcoholic won't get sober when they have enablers taking care of them, preventing them from hitting bottom. visualize moving to a place where you can have your career and take care of yourself. If he gets his life together, he can come move across the country and find you. What's good for the goose....
Thanks so much for your welcome, and very kind encouragement...for being there. I'm in the great Northwest. In fact, if you watched Katie Couric on the news last night, you heard the name of the actual city. We've just had massive floods here, though through the grace of God this house was spared. It was a surreal experience to hear this obscure little town as first topic on the National news. Hubby said we'd never see that again in our lifetime! ;)
Yes, I was very sad and lonely today, I've been that way for a long time. But I read some of the posts in this forum, and I think I've started to gain some valuable insight. I believe what you say about the people here :)
First, after all the destruction still around us, homes damaged or washed away, even lives lost, I should probably start out with that "attitude of gratitude"...right?
With all the roads flooded, we're house bound, and the problems between us seem more intense, the remedies harder to come by. I don't want alchohol to be the one we turn to everyday, because it doesn't take you into the future, it brings you back to fetal helplessness...and troubles are stacking up...I want to meet them on my feet.
I read the "Letting Go" posts. Tonight he wanted me to go in to the liquor store to get a bottle. (*g* edit note: that road is one of the few ones clear) I said in a friendly way, "No, but you go if you want to." He laughed and reminded me that I like to drink too. I laughed "Yup" and told him gently, " but I get worried and mad when you lose control, so I'm not going on the same hand to bring it in the house. But if you want to, Darlin, go for it."
Did I get the "Letting Go" thing wrong in practice? Was that cruel of me? Did I go too far? Tell me if I did, because I'm not sure of what to do.
It's sad when people that you you think you care about are trying to destroy themselves, and in reality they are going to take down anyone that's around them. It's hard to have self esteem and be functional in a relationship like that, but I'm sure the red flags where there all the way down the line. Been there down that. Trouble is, that you cannot fix a car and drive it at the same time. We have to get out of sick relationships to work on ourselves. Just as an alcoholic won't get sober when they have enablers taking care of them, preventing them from hitting bottom. visualize moving to a place where you can have your career and take care of yourself. If he gets his life together, he can come move across the country and find you. What's good for the goose....
Hi StPeteDean! Thank you for the welcome, and wisdom. I didn't see your post, I got a phone call from his Mom's friend in between starting and hitting reply. She saw that news broadcast and was worried about us.
Oh wow you've got that right. I have negative self esteem, that's why I'm freaking. But you bet! The red flags were there all the time. Somehow I still have the illusion of being able to handle it, when it is tearing me apart. And like I've said, I'm no saint...but I would not mind giving it up if it saved him from falling.
You know, I actually thought it fortunate when his Dad asked for a price we could not possibly handle...almost ecstatic...we'd get a fresh clean start somewhere else. But he's tied to this place and I don't know how its going to go.
So that visualization will help a lot. It never hurts to have a good Plan B. Thanks a lot
Welcome to MIP. There are some lovely people here and a lot of wisdom, too. I do hope that you'll stay around.
When I was drinking, my long-term boyfriend was so sad and lonely and I certainly damaged his self-esteem.
I loved my boyfriend so very dearly, but I just couldn't stop drinking and getting drunk. In the end, he had to move out to save himself. But, just over two years ago I started back with AA and I've managed to change my life around. My boyfriend and I are now so close again and life just keeps getting better.
I now accept that he had to move out as he needed to put himself first. You must look after yourself and hopefully your husband will find help for himself.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Welcome Girlscout, I agree completely with Dean. You cannot change another person. I am the first wife. Seen all you see in your husband. My heart ached. The difference I wasn't drinking nor do I now. He was spiraling down. He finally left for his mistress. Sad but true.....he has had severe health problems in the past three years...a heart attack is only one of them. Her "love" motivated a move to, the purchase of a tavern complete with living quarters upstairs. TO ME......that is definitely enabling. Heard rumors of which are believed to be truth that she has a "problem" too. He views me as the enemy. It hurt. Yet I got help. Through AA (not ALANON) I've learned sooooo much. I sort of placed myself into the "other's shoes" .....so to speak. She has gotten him to shut off all communications with me by manipulation/lies. I MYSELF have no control over their respective actions. I now only control myself...... actions words ect. I attended the wake of his nephew yesterday. (A suicide. And yes alcohol was one of the factors that led to this.) An internal struggle for me to go thinking there may be some resistance to my presence. Decided to go.......this young man was like one of my own sons and the three were very close. Ironically the neice refers to me still as "Aunt" and sister-in-law told me as far as she is concerned I am "still family". The grief is overwelming. Yet by using the tools/wisdom of the program and support I've found through the many here who have went down that road and fight this disease on a daily basis...... I was able to cope with this in a much better way than perhaps I wouldv'e before. (More than likely I wouldve commented about the alcohol and that would have led to emotions escalating into a anger ect.) I had none of those I could only feel sorrow and compassion. And by the grace of God appropriate words and actions were said and displayed. No pretenses, no false acts. It might be very beneficial to get yourself into a program. Everyone here has had their "moments" coping with life in negative ways. We are human. For the most part, however, everyone here will probably tell you, that having entered the program they are leading more productive happier lives. I am not saying it is easy. It takes work on a daily basis. You may not be able to help him, however, you may be able to help yourself. It is a choice and one that ONLY you can make. I can only tell you that it was one of the best I have ever made in my life........and I AM STILL "learning" Best to you!
Welcome to MIP, Girlscout. Thanks so much for your sharing so far. I hope you gain alot from this forum & come back so we can get to know you a little better & continue to offer support. There was a real sense of your pain in your words but also a sense of your strength too. You did a brave thing in gently telling your partner you weren't prepared to fetch his drink. When I was first getting sober & had exposed myself to the stuff all day at a wedding I couldn't take it any more & asked my friend to go & get me a selection of drinks. She knew I was trying to stay sober & had worked alot on my recovery so said if I wanted it I had to get it myself. I walked up to the bar but when I got there I couldn't do it. I'd wanted somebody's permission, collusion or condoning for me to go ahead with it. I couldn't do it by myself for that time so her action or non~action really helped. I think you did the right thing too & were kind about it. I hope you get something of what you need here. Keep coming back, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
Oh Carol, I'm so glad he came back! He would have missed out on a wonderful person. You see it from the other end first. Your outcome is the "light at the end of the tunnel" that his Mom always promised was coming for us. Can't get there without the proper work, I know that.
Thanks so much for the welcome!
Sure, thank you, I'll come in...but please know that I am as weak as he is, I just can't let it go into blotto, because I might explode in rage. He's not a fighter that way, so something stops me up very short...I do love him!...but I get frantically worried when he hurts himself. He still bears a long scar on his tummy from when he fell against the dishwasher. I was getting so angry that I let him lay whereever he clunked. I was becoming someone foreign to me.
Welcome Girlscout, I agree completely with Dean. You cannot change another person. I am the first wife. Seen all you see in your husband. My heart ached. The difference I wasn't drinking nor do I now. He was spiraling down. He finally left for his mistress. Sad but true.....he has had severe health problems in the past three years...a heart attack is only one of them. Her "love" motivated a move to, the purchase of a tavern complete with living quarters upstairs. TO ME......that is definitely enabling. Heard rumors of which are believed to be truth that she has a "problem" too. He views me as the enemy. It hurt. Yet I got help. Through AA (not ALANON) I've learned sooooo much. I sort of placed myself into the "other's shoes" .....so to speak. She has gotten him to shut off all communications with me by manipulation/lies. I MYSELF have no control over their respective actions. I now only control myself...... actions words ect. I attended the wake of his nephew yesterday. (A suicide. And yes alcohol was one of the factors that led to this.) An internal struggle for me to go thinking there may be some resistance to my presence. Decided to go.......this young man was like one of my own sons and the three were very close. Ironically the neice refers to me still as "Aunt" and sister-in-law told me as far as she is concerned I am "still family". The grief is overwelming. Yet by using the tools/wisdom of the program and support I've found through the many here who have went down that road and fight this disease on a daily basis...... I was able to cope with this in a much better way than perhaps I wouldv'e before. (More than likely I wouldve commented about the alcohol and that would have led to emotions escalating into a anger ect.) I had none of those I could only feel sorrow and compassion. And by the grace of God appropriate words and actions were said and displayed. No pretenses, no false acts. It might be very beneficial to get yourself into a program. Everyone here has had their "moments" coping with life in negative ways. We are human. For the most part, however, everyone here will probably tell you, that having entered the program they are leading more productive happier lives. I am not saying it is easy. It takes work on a daily basis. You may not be able to help him, however, you may be able to help yourself. It is a choice and one that ONLY you can make. I can only tell you that it was one of the best I have ever made in my life........and I AM STILL "learning" Best to you!
A tavern!! My God, Learning, you not only had to deal with loss, but then to see him take up with someone who poisoned him in many ways. I'm so sorry. And I'm happy that you found your strength and stood tall.
My deepest sympathies to you for your nephew. His family loves you...they recognize someone who is special in their lives. They are probably lamenting your ex's decision deeper than you will ever know.
I lost my only brother last year to cocaine. He was a brilliant guy, a minister and a father to a large family of children. He was the youngest of all my sibs and its a terrible experience when you are the oldest and should be the first to go.
I've been on your side of the fence too. My ex is a great guy, we are all friends, he likes my hub....but after 20 years of marriage he got involved with a close friend. I tried not to ever resent it, because we were growing apart for a long time, especially when I went to school. (A psychiatrist told me I would never want to be more successful than my husband, and that was crippling me. I thought that was hilarious..what a goofy diagnosis.) My dearest friend got me headed back to school at age 40. I was two months from graduation when he decided to divorce me...straight A+ student (at my age I really had to work really hard for that!). I begged for him to hang on until I graduated. I told him that he would fare better....no alimony! But she pushed...so hard that he nagged me the whole time I was trying to study for my finals. One day it was so bad I started to cry and could not stop because of the tremendous pressure...and I felt so betrayed because I was trying to make it easier on him. He called a doctor, and I wound up in a nut house for a couple of weeks. Intensive AA...all day, every day.
Well, I landed on my feet after that. My teachers rallied to help me get to school and found me a job. I was working as a student, under a chiro's license, until I got my own. I increased his patient roster for my work from 4 to over 400 in two years...what else did I have to do? It saved my life.
Then my ex came home, he couldn't take it anymore. She grabbed his paycheck and wouldn't let go. She pushed him around with fits of hysteria, and 10 years my junior, she had lots of energy to make that work for her.
We got back strickly platonic. Especially because he brought home a stepchild of a dog that he credited constantly for saving his life, not me, giving him shelter in a private residence where she couldn't bang on the door and scream.
So we were friends. Do you think that after what I had experienced, that I would ever want to do that to another woman? NOPE
My ex's computer sat on a table for two years before I ever touched it. Then one day I opened Pandora's Box.
I'd been on line for two years, at Globe.com, with many friends, when my dear one came along. He jumped into my posts with such sparkling humor! I looked up his profile and wrote him..." *G*I am NOT hitting on you because I know you are happily married, but its fun to see your posts :)"
Well, he wrote back how UNHAPPILY married he was. Come on, I'm not a kid, I can't claim lack of experience with people. I was in it for the on-line fun (people on-line claimed we had morphed into eachother!) and he was in it for something deeper...or so I had supposed
Once again, it was a money thing that had him running for the hills. She had a huge income to play with, but it wasn't enough, she ran him into the ground with debt. (That wasn't a ploy for sympathy on his part, we are still paying off her credit cards seven years later.)
Well, come to find out, he likes assertive (screw you I will take what I want!) women, so me, the wimp, especially economically...I try not to spend what I don't make...I'm not really his cup of tea in any respect. Lots of reality issues came forward when I actually got here. I fell into deeper caverns of hopeless truths everyday.
How about this...from the day I arrived, I tried to honor her because she was the mother of his children. It only happened to play right into the guilt games she was very adept at (she knew him for 26years when I knew him for 2) and she got his kids (who he loves more than life) to play along with her against the interloper. His daughter is 33 and has been married THREE TIMES. His son is married to a divorced woman, 10 years his senior. But we are perpetually on the cross for our "sin".
She never said to me that she loved him. She told everyone, "I'm not letting go of that paycheck!"
Some guys like that I guess. I fail.
Though he'd told the kids many years ago, that he would stay at home until they had their own lives and then would walk away from the pressures...my MIL told me the decision had been made long ago, before I came along.
But I did come along. I take culpability for that, and I've paid. She dated his best friend and coworkers, and it drove him predictably crazy... we now know she had something to do his being "retired"...one alimony payment due.
She got every last dollar and then some. Do I care? Not on your life. I do care like hell that he isn't happy....I care enough to let it kill me.
Am I exaggerating about the kids? Nope. I recently wrote them when I was mildly plowed, "Your Mom is remarried to a sucker with a slew of ready credit cards. So stop the guilt games on your Dad. No one judges your lives."
Of course not one of them called me on my birthday today, though his son is friendly. I would have been knocked over if they did.
But I'm the one who reminds my hub of his grandkids birthdays, of their anniversaries...what a jerk I am.
Welcome to MIP, Girlscout. Thanks so much for your sharing so far. I hope you gain alot from this forum & come back so we can get to know you a little better & continue to offer support. There was a real sense of your pain in your words but also a sense of your strength too. You did a brave thing in gently telling your partner you weren't prepared to fetch his drink. When I was first getting sober & had exposed myself to the stuff all day at a wedding I couldn't take it any more & asked my friend to go & get me a selection of drinks. She knew I was trying to stay sober & had worked alot on my recovery so said if I wanted it I had to get it myself. I walked up to the bar but when I got there I couldn't do it. I'd wanted somebody's permission, collusion or condoning for me to go ahead with it. I couldn't do it by myself for that time so her action or non~action really helped. I think you did the right thing too & were kind about it. I hope you get something of what you need here. Keep coming back, Danielle x
Hey Danielle! You answered my question, and gave me insight why I was asked. Thank you! I've gotten so much already from each of you...thank you again!
oh, not that I don't need or don't believe I could ever gain more as a human being coming here to be with you all, but I feel like a rude person....no one here made me feel this way...not in the slightest...but there is so much muck flowing out of me. I've gone to a nutritionist (darling darling woman) and a PT (awesome peeps too) to get back "into shape" to take on life again...and each has told me with tender care....I need a shrink!
I would gladly go, but our health plan falls short.
I feel guilty about unloading. I love you all, you are great people!! But I feel like a child from Chernobyl who played too long in the black rain.
I'm just tired of feeling sad...or bad. I have darling people who are good to me from where I came. I love him and its hard to let go. I can't hold him up when I am "medicating" too....and especially not when I'm sober! that whole letting go bs seems so alien then...he loves my family (as they love him!) but says he would "miss the scenery" here....scenery??? We hardly ever leave this box, not always his fault, I feel like duck and cover sometimes. I held up a drawing my grandchildren made for him, a page full of pink hearts outlined by a giant heart that filled the page! I told him, "think of the love felt with every little heart that was made for you...and all coralled by that giant one...I don't know any scenery on earth that holds up to that."
Thanks so much for sharing all of this, *G* x There's alot there to digest & I've much to catch up with after the weekend away so I hope you don't mind if I reply in brief. I just want to say that I think you're beautiful & I hope while you can't afford to get 1to1 counselling care maybe us here at MIP & maybe a few meetings to develop fellowship may help. It really has done lots for helping to return my sick heart to sanity. Thanks for being a part of this too. Love in recovery, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
