Okay, this is Cut/pasted from my blog, where ill try to keep track of my progress at
http://diaryofamadman11.blogspot.com/    mainly cause retyping it would be a bitch.


Okay, tail end of one of the worst benders of my life...8 days long prolly, all day/night basically (including on the job which is a diff story)

Well i met this girl after happy hour at this coffee house i goto (I had 12 long islands inme at the time, and everyone had left already so i said f it and went here.) She was a model type and i was starin  the whole time OBV (cause im cool like that). I was drinkin a snapple bottle spiked with vodka from the LQ next door (cause obviously 12 long islands wasnt enough to hang out in a coffee place by yourself on). Long story short we started talkin and got along pretty well... guess she found me more on the amusing side than the obnoxious side (f knows how that happened.) Anyways @ end of night she takes my hoodie to walk home with and i drive home (obviously). Next night i endup back there since i got too drunk early in the day to goto the thanksgiving thing i was sposed to goto... Girls there. We endup leavin and goin to dinner, then a bar, where she explains she doesnt drink and i shouldnt either. Well, i drink like 1293013109231283941 long islands again, while she nurses a nonalcoholic redbull the whole night (they make redbull without liquor? LOL at that)

Anyways she insists on driving me home, and she endsup spending the night... ... Next mornin i taker to breakfast and theres a bar there and im like i wanna drink.. shes like your NEVER drinkin around me again...Standard response, whatever MOM, shut it... but i didnt. But after i dropped her atter place, even though id loved to have been able to stop, i knew i prolly wouldnt.

Outside her house shes like...Im coming back with you. Im like whaaaaaaa? Shes like im not letting you drink and if u go back alone you will (probly true.) IM like uhhhh...and normally idda kicked her outta the car but i was like you know what? F it, i oughta be thankful. I tolder that she was in for a pretty bad day...

So she sat with me on my couch as i started sweating my assoff and running a horrible fever, and she sat there petting my head as i had the dry heaves and nearly puked up my breakfast, tellim me everything was going to be ok. She hadda peel herself off of me multiple times because i was sweating so bad. And it wasnt normal sweat either, it was the type of sweat that smells like catpiss.

I literally couldnt beleive what i was seeing. It was like God looked down on one of his sickest and most undeserving children, and had sent him an angel to help him out when he was at his most desperate and most alone. I always thought God had kicked me out his house a long time ago, just like so many doormen had kicked me outta their bars, and for pretty similar things. Who knows, maybe it was that, maybe the girl saw the old me underneath who was worth saving. Maybe it was dumb luck, maybe i found the only person in the greater LA area who was wierder/sicker than I am. Who the hell knows. I explained to her during that day how liquor had cost me everything- my health, my career prospects, my money, lots of friends, girls, every f ng thing. It was truly f ing lame and sad. I was bitchin bout my girlfriend (Haha yeah i have one, and i told her at the outset) not likin me anymore cause i had just f ed everything up so bad, and she's like 'girls can love someone for who they are..' 'Bullshit' i said. Not at my age. Yeah at age 18 they'll date a loser that they like, but at this age, its the same shit. Girl loves me for a few months during which she thinks i may turn things around, then she really gets to understand who i am, and the relationship sorta fades away. Of course, it doesn't help that I turn into a total asshole. "I dont beleive that" she says. "CHRIST" i thought...this girl is so nice i almost wanna cry at the thought of being mean to her.

We ended up at dinner, and she was like you want me to come over again? I, of course tryin to be cool was like MEH... nah i think ill be alright, seriously... She's like I dunno i think i want to stay the night. I was like OK but its gonna be a really bad night. And that it was. I woke up every hour because i was running such a fever i couldnt sleep, and ran to the bathroom with the heaves thinkin i would puke but didnt. Everytime i did she'd getup and run over there and ask if i was alright, and all that. Ungoddambeleivable. Angel of mercy.

We ended up at breakfast before work, and obviously i was bitching at having to go in sober, and she gave me this look like 'im gonna kill you if you drink'. Hahahaha...ok whatever, thats cool. I didnt have much desire to anyway.

I take her back to her house finally, and shes like 'are you gonna callme'? AHAHAHA AM I GONNA CALL YOU? IM GONNA F ING MARRY YOU i thought. Of course i said 'yeah probably' and smiled. She knows i will.

"And thanks for everything, really" i said. And she said

"Don't thank me, thank God. He's the reason Im here."

Anyways i was a little floored by that, and I'm not sure if it's true, but i honestly think this girl saved my life, or at least my job and a whole lot more heartache. I am not sure if God is responsible for it all, it sure had that surreal quality to it in my opionon. I am starting to think He is, and that he sent me my last line, just to see if I would bite, before he lets his most ungrateful and recalcitrant child tumble into the abyss forever. Well guess what? Im sick of disappointing him, and of disappointing everyone else, and of disappointing myself especially. Sick and goddam tired. And it ends here.

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My name is Rich, and I'm an alcoholic. And im not the kind of alkie thats going to make it to 65, and have a family that hates him and kids that dont love him, and have lost a few jobs to alcoholism, etc. Because im not fortunate enough to be built to tolerate alcohol, 5 years is a generous estimate for how long ill make it if ia keep on drinkin like this. 
I never liked AA much, but experiance has shown time and time again that the bottle is bigger than me. I am here to quit and im not f ing around anymore. No matter what my preconceptions of AA are, the fact of the matter is that AA is the last house on the street, and the only thing standing between me and the void. And i'm really going to give it a try.

Hope to get to know some of you...If you want some history on me, again heres my bloglink. Im going to try and make it an entertaining read (I was a writer once, as i was alot of things once.... *wistful sigh*...hate the bottle, obv)


-- Edited by Zarathustra at 14:48, 2007-11-27

-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 21:16, 2007-11-27

-- Edited by Sick of being sick at 21:46, 2007-11-27