Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 90
The agonies and the void that I often felt inside occur less and less frequently in my life today. I have learned to cope with solitude. It is only when I am alone and calm that I am able to communicate with God, for He cannot reach me when I am in turmoil. It is good to maintain contact with God at all times, but it is absolutely essential that, when everything seems to go wrong, I maintain that contact through prayer and meditation.
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
I started drinking as a teenager to overcome the loneliness I felt (I now believe) because my mother wasn't around much and I was left alone a LOT - sometimes 3 or 4 days at the time at the tender age of 14. She had 'her own life' and I was left to raise myself.....I didn't have a lot of friends and didn't make friends easily - that whole didn't feel comfortable in my own skin thing. Drinking made me feel as if I were just as good as everyone else and since our house was usually empty what better way to 'fit in' than have a party almost every weekend!
As the years went by and my alcohol affliction progressed, no matter how many parties I hosted or attended that lonely feeling returned tenfold.....I felt lonely when I was married....I continued to drink to rid myself of that feeling. The more I drank, the more lonely I became. The last 4-5 yrs of my drinking career were done COMPLETELY alone, hold up in my own house! Drinking with others was too much trouble by then....socializing got in the way of drinking.
Today, in AA. I no longer feel lonely......I CAN be alone ALL day long and don't feel that loneliness. I am (more) comfortable in my own skin....Should that 'lonely bug' rear it's head, I can get to a meeting and just like magic, it disappears....Today, I belong somewhere!
So, I think I'll keep coming back.....
Thanks for letting me share.
((hugs))
-- Edited by Doll at 06:18, 2007-11-17
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Thanks so much for your share. There is a lot of identification there for me. I drank so that I would feel more comfortable being me at the beginning of my drinking. In the end, there wasn't anyone that I wanted to drink with as they didn't drink the way I did. I became so secretive and so lonely despite wherever I was and who I was with.
Today, I have just said goodbye to my boyfriend at the airport. We love each other dearly, but it's just not possible for us to be together full-time at the moment and I don't know when I'll be seeing him again. I'm hoping that things will change soon. But, it's still so hard.
Your post and your ES&H has reminded me that although I am feeling alone right now, I am not lonely. I have a wealth of AA friends that I can call and meetings to attend. And, today, I don't have to pick up a drink. Life isn't too bad after all!
Have a great weekend.
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
