I've been drinking habitually since August this year. I've been drinking long before that, but it was not habitual before August. My brother's best friend was murdered on his birthday, August sixteenth. My brother and I drank together heavily for about a month, then he went to basic training in the US Army as a way out. I wish I could've joined the army but I have cystic fibrosis, a horrible lung disease that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Since my brother left I've started drinking even heavier. I had an amazing relationship with a girl I'd just met, nothing sexual, but she was just an excellent friend. Then my drinking got between us and we rarely talk anymore. My best friend lives eight hours south in Philadelphia, and she's been upset because I didn't go out of my way to see her at a concert last month. I wish I hadn't even told her I'd be there. I love her so much, but if I had a chance to see her today I wouldn't take it because I don't want her to see me like this. Nobody should have to put up with me when I'm drunk. I shouldn't put that burden on them in the first place.
I just wish I knew someone who faces the same medical problems I do. Due to the nature of cystic fibrosis, its sufferers cannot congregate for fear of spreading more sickness on one another, and each of us has to learn to deal with it on our own. I feel like I'm a burden on everyone around me at home, especially my mom. I don't think the family expresses our respect for her or takes her seriously enough, and I hate that it's hypocritical of me because I hate it when people don't respect me or take me seriously. I can't talk to either parent about anything because they still think I have the humor of a twelve year old when in fact such humor just annoys me to no end. And worst of all I just feel like CF is a permanent stamp on my forehead that says I'm not worth enough to be disease-free. It's like it creates some sort of ceiling over what I can accomplish. It feels like a harness keeping me back from enjoying life. No matter how happy I am it's always there, and it's never going away. No matter how much I eat it eats away at me, and I have to eat almost four thousand calories a day just to stay a step ahead because my body absorbs nutrients poorly. No new friends I make understand it, and I don't have the patience anymore to keep explaining it to every new friend and love interest in my life. I have friends with allergies, diabetes, asthma, and other personal problems that I don't hold against them but I still feel deep inside that they'll hold my own conditions against me because I hold them against myself. I don't want to share myself with anyone because I don't want to share such a burden. If it were up to me before I was born I would have chosen non-existence over lung disease, that's how much it pulls me down and I realize how stupid and selfish of a thing that is to say. Most of all, I don't want my doctors discovering that I've been drinking and fucking up my body. I'm their miracle patient, and I don't want them to feel they've failed to keep me healthy.
I just had to rant, to get all this off my chest, and an anonymous internet forum seems like the best place to do it, where I can say these things without being judged by people who know me very well. I don't even feel like myself anymore. I feel irresponsible. I want my life back, even if it's a scarred, limited life. I am well aware that there are people worse off than I am, but that doesn't change my situation. If I stop drinking it won't solve all the other problems in my life but it will prevent many new problems from occuring.
Sorry to hear about your medical problem. This forum, and similar ones, are golbal. You can say what you need and people will listen. I'm pretty sure that no one here will judge you. We've all got problems, that's why we're here too.
Nevertheless, keep posting and you'll find a non-judgemental group of friends who will support you, as we do for each other, the best we can.
Welcome!! You said it yourself at the end of your post! "It will prevent many new problems from occurring!" Unfortunately your CF is something you didnt choose for yourself..But as I have heard in the rooms of AA, we do have a choice to concur the terrible disease of alcoholism!! You sound like a very caring, loving person and Im sure you have alot to offer someone! (especially yourself!) Stick around, share yourself with others!! Trust me, the folks on here will love you until you love yourself!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
... and welcome to MIP. I do hope that you'll stick around.
I'm sorry to read about your medical problems. I have a niece with CF and I know a little of the devastating effects of it.
You mentioned that you want your life back. That's exactly how I felt when I decided to quit drinking. And, within an amazingly short period of time, I had a much better way of life than I ever thought would be possible. It can happen to you, too. It really can.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you? Nobody here will judge you.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Thank you all very much for your quick support. I think I just need the support here because unless you've faced this addiction, it's very hard to relate to someone who has. I plan to stick around, long after I beat this problem.
Quetzal wrote:
Hi,
... and welcome to MIP. I do hope that you'll stick around.
I'm sorry to read about your medical problems. I have a niece with CF and I know a little of the devastating effects of it.
You mentioned that you want your life back. That's exactly how I felt when I decided to quit drinking. And, within an amazingly short period of time, I had a much better way of life than I ever thought would be possible. It can happen to you, too. It really can.
Please keep posting and letting us know how things are going for you, won't you? Nobody here will judge you.
Take care,
Carol
I'm sorry to hear about your niece. Both of us are fortunate to live in great nations that have the medical technology to ease the pain and make life a little easier. I wish her the best in life, and hopefully researchers will find the cure soon.
It shouldn't take long to recover, but I am prepared to spend as much time as it takes to defeat this. As a young college student it will take a paradigm shift to keep this down, but I feel that this goal is entirely possible. I hope my path to a better life will be like yours.
Hey sideburns; Keep up the positive attitude. I have to tell you, a girl I used to work with has CF. She is in her late 40's and adopted a child years ago. Her life is busy and full. She's still working and her son is in high school now!!! So, dont stop livin now!!! Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
Hiya, Brian. Welcome to MIP. Your story really touchs me & I felt for you in your words. You seem sensitive & caring & I know deep down you have a love for yourself also despite the pain of having to live with your condition. I don't know anybody with CF but the more you stay & share with us the more I can learn. Thanks for finding us here & sharing your desire to stop the drinking. It's probably the most life~changing aspiration you can have & you'll find lots of support for you here. Keep coming back & letting us know how you are. Thanks. Brian. Best of luck for you in your new beginnings. Life can be much better despite your struggle & pain. Love in recovery, Danielle x
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Progress not perfection.. & Practice makes Progress!
I think I just need the support here because unless you've faced this addiction, it's very hard to relate to someone who has. I plan to stick around, long after I beat this problem.