In other words...Oh my God!Hi all, its your spaztic friend here checking in...Put in a ton of applications finally for a new RN job. I have an interview with my previous employer of 15 years. It's actually with the nurse recruiter to see what might be availbale, but I am so nervous!!(cant tell can ya, I cant spell tonight!) Anyways, prayers are appreciated!! But, what I have been avoiding, with all of you and w/my sponser is.... Ive been to 90 meetings in 90 days now! But...I made bad choices along the way and drank. Oh, I tell myself, its just one drink...Maybe I can control my drinking..Foolish thought I know b/c one of theses times Im going to screw up bad and know it but keep denying it!! Had a month almost, under my belt and had a drink, had 2 weeks again and had an awesome day w/my sponser on Friday. For some dumb reason, I chose to buy a beer, all by myself and drank it on the way to pick up my daughter. (Thank God she has her temp license and is always wanting to drive) But, regardless. I keep thinking, or better stop thinking and pick up! Mind you, I have an awesome sponser, home group, meetings everyday , a family I love and keep disappointing. Well, tonight at my meeting, I was surrounded by ladies who love me so much and pretty much reamed me a new one. They care so much and just simply took me under their wings and said, "ENOUGH" already. How can I deny them, my family and ME such a gift!!! My life is dang good right now, (except not having a job!) Fear instead of total faith is what is keeping me on the wrong track. I guess my question is: How can I be so stupid to keep drinking!! I love what the fellowship has to offer and know how good it can be. But my sick mind thinks, One drink is no big deal.....Well, any insight would be appreciated. How can you be on this total plane of acceptance and then fall right back off? Well, sorry to go on, but I do appreciate all the words of wisdom you all have to offer. And furthermore, Im afraid I'll get to the point where no one will even care anymore! Well, sleep tight! I have a 7am AA meeting to attend before my 8am interview! And to top it off I have NO business casual clothes! My daughter told me the outfit I picked out makes me look like a spice girl! Just great! Your totally flipping out, crazed friend, Lani (whats with the beer mug icon on here anyways!? Never noticed it before!!)
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
I do hope that your interview with the nurse recruiter will go well for you. Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. I just know that the right job will come your way when the time is right.
Well done on getting to 90 meetings in 90 days. That's terrific.
Try not to beat yourself up over the slips that you have had. It has happened to a few folk here. It certainly happened to me at the beginning. I so wanted sobriety, yet is was slightly elusive to me.
What I did was to throw myself into the program and work as hard as I could. I got to as many meetings as I could and shared about what was going on in my life and how I was feeling. The amazing thing was that I discovered that I wasn't alone. That helped me enormously.
With the help of my wonderful sponsor, and working the steps to the very best of my ability, I managed to keep sober one day at a time. That's all that we can offer to ourselves.
I had to learn, the hard way, that I can't work this program for anybody other than myself. I love my boyfriend dearly, but I couldn't do it for him or for my family. I had to do it for myself. Until this alcoholic worked that out and completed surrendered I couldn't stay sober.
Even now, I can still think that maybe I'm not really an alcoholic and one drink would be fine. But, I then mentally play the tapes of what happened over the many, many occasions when I said that I would just have the one drink and couldn't stick to it. I'm an alcoholic and one drink is one too many for me and ten drinks isn't enough.
Keep going to meetings and sharing how you are feeling. Work the steps to the very best of your ability. Make time to pray to the God of your understanding. Make the time to read some AA literature and to speak to another recovering alcoholic every day.
Lani, it will get better for you.
(((Hugs)))
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
You sound like a wonderful, talented, and smart person (most of us are). You have a lot going for you with your career and family. And like a lot of us, you are wondering why you seem to be bent on self destruction and sabotaging your success. Which will lead to "perpetuating your own abandonment". Ponder those three for awhile, and let me tell you, that last one really hurts. Most marriages don't survive recovery (mine didn't), or the recovery doesn't survive the marriage (so far, yours isn't). Look around, do a poll if you'd like, see how many people with 5 years sobriety or more are still married to the same person that they were when they came into the program (It's a rariety). People don't like it when I say things like this but I do so to illustrate that they will need to work much harder than rest to stay sober and not lose their family. The paradox is that a person in your position will feel like they don't have to work as hard because they are "smarter and more successful" (more ways of saying "too smart for this simple program"). It's very hard to focus on one's Self with a spouse, children, and demanding job. Those things and the "gift of desperation" and "willingness" seem to be incompatible. Or "An abundance of Youth, Health, Wealth, or Brains can be an obstacle for sobriety".
These is all a fancy ways of saying that you're a "high bottom drunk" for Now. And there are a lot of "Yets" in store for you IF you continue to drink. Listen to the people in speaker meeting that where more successful than you, that HAD to lose it ALL before they where ready for this program. Unfortunately most people aren't ready to receive the "Gift of desperation" until they Lose All. The ego keeps saying "I must be ok because I have all of this" while the low self esteem (and shame) says "You don't deserve any of this" and tries to seek an equilibrium (Loss). It's possible that you could be stuck in this revolving door for years and get away with it if your spouse enables you to. But it's more likely that "Yets" will get in the way of that.
What happens to your career IF you get a DUI? This is a progressive disease, leading to daily drinking and blood alcohol contents that never fall below the legal limits!. In later stages it's not possible to be sober enough to drive. What happens when your spouse says, for the benefit of the children, that IF you drink again you have to leave, and you do? Or IF drinking clouds your thinking and judgment enough to consider an extramarital relationship? Or If, after awhile, drinking doesn't ease the pain (of core issues) enough anymore so you decide to take drugs from your place of work and lose your Nurses license? Are you listening in the step meetings that you attend? Haven't you "got it" yet that this disease turns people into loathsome creatures that can hardly stand to look into the mirror? If you relapse, you are back at the beginning attending speaker and beginner meetings right? To hear what you must have missed before? To figure out what things you thought were unnecessary for your recovery and omitted?
Lani, you need more than anything, to buy time. When we drink we do not mature. Most alcoholics are 13-16 year olds (emotionally) walking around in 30,40,50,60 year old bodies. That's who reaches out and picks up the drink. We need to stay sober so that we can mature (change) One day at a time, but it's imperative that you put a year together. Make it a goal, do everything that you've heard others do to stay sober. Pick a blackbelt nazi sponser that's successfully married and will help you get thru the steps in 6 months. Pray daily for the obsession to drink to be removed by your Higher Power. And pray for willingness. It's easier to quit now, but you'll have to work harder for it. Don't wait till there's no where to go but up.
Here's my favorite program joke: A woman attends a funeral. And old friend's husband has died and the woman hasn't seen her friend in a long time. She approaches her friend, the widow, and says "What happened to Harry" the widow replies, " Oh it was the alcohol, It finally got to him". The woman responds, "that's awful, why didn't he ever go to AA"? The widow angrily retorts "HE WASN'T THAT BAD"
Thanks Carol: Just what I need to hear. I know I have the tools but Im so dang stubborn! Anyways, gotta run and put on my "spice girl" outfit!! Thanks for your support as always. Youre the best!! Still nervous, praying hard! Lani Will post more later.
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
With what StPeteDean said about: "What happens to your career IF you get a DUI? This is a progressive disease, leading to daily drinking and blood alcohol contents that never fall below the legal limits!. In later stages it's not possible to be sober enough to drive. What happens when your spouse says, for the benefit of the children, that IF you drink again you have to leave, and you do?" (don't know how to make the quote system to work)
This is where I was at this last time I quit. My wife DID ask me to leave and not to come back until I got my sh*t together. To help me I got a voluntary interlock device installed in my car. Can't drive it when I've been drinking. This has been the best thing to help with my recovery. Now my wife feels that I am doing the "right" thing. I/we know our kids are safe when they are with me. I don't have to worry about a DUI. In the beginning it was a little embarrassing to have to blow into the device in order to drive, but then I see those who are leaving the various pubs that I pass knowing that they've been drinking and are now on the road. So I guess it's better to be a littel embarrassed than a lot busted.
Hey guys, Thanks for the posts! I love Larry the cable guy...I'll think of "Git R Done" next time I so foolishly think of pickin up!! Didnt happen today! So let the count down begin! Day 4 here!! Thank you for your honesty. I have been to enough meetings to hear all the awful things people have gone thru. As many times as I feel things have clicked, have appreciated what I DONT have, you would think by now I would learn. Anyways, today is a new day. Went to two meetings today and will attend my home group tonight. Im really trying to listen and today had two great meetings and absorbed more than usual. "Willingness"...Today I pray for all of us to have the willingness to be willing... For today I will not let the "Now's" or "Yet" happen to me... As also, thanks for the love and support. My interview wen t well. I asked at the end if I should follow up with a phone call next week if I didnt hear from her. The Nurse recruiter said she would call today after she sets up an interview with the units Im applying for. A little edgy b/c she hasnt called yet. (YET) Seemed to me like things went great. God will be the judge of that. Patience isnt my strong point!! Anyways, hope all is well with you guys! Have a great evening and we'll chat soon...Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
The saying " A head full of AA and a belly full of booze don't mix!" comes to mind after reading your post. (it's never the same is it, my friend). Meaning, you know what you must do.........You've got the tools & the support. Up to you how you use them.....I know of some who never missed a meeting for a year or more & continued to drink thru-out that whole time. They shared it wasn't until they got honest with themselves that they finally put the plug in the jug and began to work a real program of sobriety.......So, you're not alone.....Congrats on 4 days! Give yourself a big hug for the honesty and just keep coming back......
(((Hugs))))
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
