Since I came back to AA, my relationship with my wife has improved so much. I can't believe what I was losing and how much I damaged my wife and family. In the beginning my wife kicked me out. I had been drinking and drove the kids home after picking them up from one of their activities. She was absolutely right to kick me out. Since then, I've had a lot of time to think about what I did. I go to meetings almost everyday.Listen to those in meetings.Follow guidelines and use the tools AA provides me.
My wife and I have been talking about our feelings and problems that we faced against each other. We've also been going to counseling, which is the best thing for us. The counselor is teaching us how to talk to each other and, more importantly, how to listen. Communication is so important in our relationship and learning how to communicate properly has made our discussions so much better.
It's been almost 2 months that we've been living apart. We've talk a lot and seen each other quite a few times. The time we've been together has been great. No fighting, good positive discussions, and just happy that things are going in the right direction. We need to not take each other for granted or be complacent with our relationship.
As far as our kids go, we've talked about our/my problems and they understand. They are supportive about my recovery and are eager for me to return sober and healthy. My oldest is having the most trouble dealing with our separation. Shes angry at me and takes it out on all of us.I understand and try to talk to her, but I think its best to let her be angry. Will she ever forgive me? I dont know, I hope so.I think shell see that this current situation will be better in the long run.Also, shes 12 and her hormones are kicking in too.Its a tough time for her.
We talked about me coming home soon.But we dont want to rush it.We want to make sure we understand each others opinions, goals, values, and interests. We need to understand what we want from each other and what we need to give each other.Agree on how are we going to work together with the kids too. These are the things that we did before we got married, but we lost the meaning of our relationship - being together as one - and became selfish to ourselves. I take most of the blame as my drinking and using became the biggest barrier between us, distancing myself from her and our kids.Of course, she had some personal issues too, but they werent nearly as destructive as mine.
Last night we spent together.It was great! I made dinner for all of us and played around with the kids before they went to bed, teasing and laughing with each other. Even my oldest was having a little fun too.My wife and I stayed awake talking and laughing and slept in each others arms.Being clean and sober makes all the difference (of course learning to talk and listen has helped too). We know that I need to go to meetings frequently.That we cant have any alcohol around the house.And, being two hard headed people, we are going to occasionally have arguments.I also voluntarily installed an interlock devise into my car so I can never drink and drive if I relapse again, especially with the kids in the car.Of course if I ever relapse again, our relationship will be over and Ill be gone for good.
Anyways,Im not drinking today, so far. I dont want to either.I know if I drink or use, I will lose everything thats important to me.But Im also a stupid alkie. Life is good and getting better. Just gotta remember that.
It sounds like you two are working together on these issues and taking responsibility. I wish you all the best in this. Relationships really can do a great deal of mending given the right support. Re building trust is a committment in itself, yes? And open-ness about feelings. Things take awhile to heal, but with healthy nurturing, I've seen miraculous things happen within the program. What I keep at the forefront of my marriage is no matter how much I love my family, my sobriety HAS to be first and foremost, because without it, everything else disappears...Thank you for sharing this with us. Love your avatar/logo. Be blessed, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
One day at a time, applies to relationships as well. Be grateful for everyday and you'll never take your spouse for granted. So many people live alone and are lonely. It's very hard to live alone all the way around. Team work and partnership makes life a lot easier and fun too! One of the best things my wife and I do for our relationship is travel. I know it's not possible for everyone to do a lot of traveling but there are lots of day trips, overnighters, and three day weekends, that couples can do to "get away" without spending a lot. I also make a habit of having lunch with my wife at least once a week. I just go back actually.
Great news for all of you!! Keep up the good work. I too have a long road to travel. My husband and are are both in AA now. He's fairing much better than me..that's another topic Ive been meaning, reluctantly to bring up...Anyways, the daughter, hormonal stuff is challenging!! My daughter is almost 16 and boy is she an honest little thing. She will call me on my stuff in a heartbeat!! I have to prove to her with my actions that I can and will make a positive change. Of course we cant reason with them at their age, but like I said. Be an example, let her know she is loved and pray HARD!!!!! My husband and I just celebrated 19 yrs of marriage! We've had our ups and downs but we have always been there for each other! Thats a totally other topic!!! But Im proud to say we made it this far. So, good luck to you!!!Lani
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"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. "
