One night of (really hard) drinking, 4 days ago and I still feel hung over. It's as if I'd never gotten any sober time at all - physically and emotionally....I have many regrets. One of them being (borderline) going to see John. Although, I know it was exactly what I needed, (My HP has a way of doing that for me) I'm almost right back where I was in the beginning of the breakup. I'm waiting! It's killing me. I thought about it long and hard last night. I've been waiting for John to 'fix' me all these years. I know realistically no one can fix me but me. But I still keep thinking "if only he would yada, yada, yada". I'm intellectually smart enough to know this is not reality, but on whatever level (alcoholic probably), I can't seem to get past that.....It's like the 'geographical' cure we talk about in meetings......
Physically, I just want to sleep. I slept 9 hours yesterday and took a 3 hour nap today! And I'm ready to go to bed now. I missed the last F2F because of my nap. I should have gone to the gym after work but just can't muster the strength. I have, however, made a point to eat three healthy meals every day. What a toll 15 Budweisers, 6 - 8 tequila shots, and 4-5 Jack & Cola's has done to me........Which brings me to where I am spiritually. I have thanked God continually, daily, that I didn't die ( & it's a wonder I didn't or atleast have alcohol poisoning - I'm 5'6" 117 lbs) and that I didn't go to jail, or kill someone while driving, and (Thank you, again, Lord) that I didn't sleep with 'that guy' from the bar. My HP was definately watching over me once again. One thing I gained this slip, that I don't think I ever really felt before - Humility. I believe THIS is what it feels like to be truly humble.
This too shall pass. I know. One day at the time. And all that other AA BS - LOL - but that BS is soooo friggin' true. I can never lose sight of that again, ever! I can't. No choices anymore. Just AA and don't drink, just for today, even if my ass falls off.
I remembered this morning as I was praying, Saturday was the one day in over a year I didn't ask God to 'grant me the gift of sobriety just for today" - Look how that turned out!
Thanks for letting me share.........It always helps, so much.
Love, peace and one more day of sobriety, to you all
-- Edited by Doll at 20:54, 2007-09-26
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hi Hun! Sounds to me as if you've had a great learning experience at the price of some length of sobriety. A price paid for lessons learned. You are lucky. All of the things that COULD have happened and didn't...You've made it back and are wiser for the experience (I have to believe that!). Take care Dear One...Tim
-- Edited by timverton at 00:14, 2007-09-27
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
No one ever said that soberity was easy. And that no one ever trips while working this program. If it was easy, there wouldn't be AA.
Just remember how you feel now, how close you may have came to be in far greater trouble (DUI, an accident, sleeping with some unknown...), and that you're not alone nor unique.
Welcome back. I'm glad that you were able to come back, and that you were willing to tell that story. And as much as I believe that "this too, shall pass", I believe it won't just "pass" without serious continued action in the work of AA. I've gone into the store praying for God to keep me sober, as I went to the beer fridge (pray to be kept sober), walked to the counter (pray to be kept sober), took out my wallet (pray to be kept sober)...etc. Don't dismiss the time that you had. But I guess it's not really time, it's the teachings that we get over time. Drinking can be a teaching - if nothing else, a teaching that we need even more to keep us sober!
So many of us (so, so many) have waited for others to fix us. In some ways I was struggling with it today - my desire to run away from the responsibility of just taking care of myself. It is such a hard lesson to learn, and I even wonder if I'll completely learn it ever. But thanks to incredible sponsorship and friendship, I was forced to get very close with a number of women who ended up saving my ass. I hope you can find the same - it's an amazing experience.
Your in my prayers and I do hope you are resting and giving yourself a break. I don't have any advice except meetings, sponsor and do your Steps again, and don't drink, close with THE LORD"S Prayer, and wake with the Serenity Prayer.
I have heard you go right back to where you were on your last drunk! IF that is even a little true. I will DIE a painful death. I don't even want to entertain the thought.
We all have such a wonderful place to go learn, grow, and talk to each other in A.A. or here.
I have found through my higher power, ( Jesus Christ) "FAITH", "LOVE," AND "HOPE."
