Some people refuse to accept things as they are. Thats good!
Some people accept things just as they are. Thats good, too!
What? How can refusing to accept things and accepting things both be good?
It depends on your views of what is good or not good for you to accept. In other words, it is important for you to examine what is going on in your life and determine for yourself what is or is not acceptable to you. It is not only within your power to do so; it is part of your responsibility to yourself to do so.
For example, suppose you are in a romantic relationship with a particular person. You buy this person gifts, cook gourmet meals for him or her, and surprise the person with romantic gestures. The person offers nothing in his or her own behavior to show appreciation for your consideration and generosity. Instead of trying to surprise you with a gesture or gift in return, he or she smiles and thanks you and takes and takes and takes all you offer. Why shouldnt he or she? Youre offering it.
You might think that expecting something from this person in return is selfish of you or indicates that you do not love this person unconditionally, so you continue the relationship in the hope that the more you give, the more the other person will see and appreciate your love. And as time goes by, the person keeps taking and taking and taking while you keep giving and giving and giving. Your needs go unmet. You tell yourself you dont mind because you are sacrificing in the name of love.
This example might oversimplify the dynamics of a relationship, but in general, a person like this, who takes without giving, is a difficult person to stay in a relationship with simply because relating involves giving and taking. How much more will you give until you refuse to accept the relationship as it is? How long will it be before you grow enough to realize that a loving relationship involves two people who are both mature enough to respect each others as well as their own needs?
Refusing to accept things in your life can bring on many perplexing yet necessary decisions. But without facing those challenges, you will be left feeling defeated by circumstances (but actually being defeated by your own choices) instead of being uplifted by your choices.
Going back to the example, refusing to accept the relationship as it is prompts you to examine yourself, the other person, and how you relate. If you are ready to grow, you will find solutions that are right for you. It might involve ending the relationship, redefining it, or reshaping it. How much effort will you or your partner be willing to put into improving the relationship? If your partner refuses to change his or her behavior, thats something you need to accept because you cannot change another persons behavior. That doesnt mean you must accept the relationship as it is. You can change your own behavior. You can continue to see the person without giving so much. You can stop seeing the person. The decisions regarding what you will or will not accept are yours to make.
On the other hand, suppose you are romantically involved with a person who reciprocates every kindness and generosity you demonstrate with a similar act, not out of a sense of duty or obligation, but from a place of appreciation. You delight in each others words and behavior. He or she meets your needs, and you meet his or hers. What effort it takes to build and maintain the relationship comes readily and naturally from a foundation of respect, trust, and commitment to creating and preserving a good relationship. You cant imagine refusing to accept the way things are in this relationship. You accept it all gratefully and graciously.
Remember that you are the one who can accept or reject an idea, a circumstance, or a relationship. It might be a romantic situation, a job situation, or even a seemingly trivial incident that occurs during a quick jaunt to a convenience store. Whatever the thing, remember your personal power to accept or refuse to accept certain events or behaviors (your own or anothers) in your life.
Apply your critical skills. The more you do, the sharper they become.
Look at things as objectively as possible. What are you doing to promote a negative situation? Stop doing it. Yes, just stop! What are you doing to promote a positive situation? Keep up the good work! Work? Yeah, maybe, but the payoffs worth the work.
When you recognize the power you have to accept or reject things in your life, you recognize the control and responsibility you have in determining your own fate. Make your daily existence worth every minutelearn to accept or reject discriminately. -----------------
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Hey there Phil, great post! This one is perfect for a dear friend of Michelle and myself who has been in a "friendship" with a guy for a good while now. The trouble is, she wants more from the relationship and feels that she's really in love with him. He, on the other hand, doesn't seem to want any more than the friendship (Why should he? He' gets meals, conversations, back rubs ((heck, maybe FRONT rubs that neither speak about!) and, in her loving blindness, she can't seem to see that this is very much a one-way situation. Maybe she'll take a look at this printout when I see her next on Thursday and take a better look at things as they are. Thanks buddy...Tim
P.S. I love your new signature...TE
-- Edited by timverton at 00:25, 2007-09-26
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