Saturday was like any other day, I went to work at 4am, got off around 10am, came home took a nap.Got woken up by a phone call from a friend I hadn't heard from in quite a long time, old drinking buddy. She didn't know I was in AA.......We were going to the mall. She showed up and she'd been drinking, next thing I knew, I was drinking too! We hit all the old 'haunts' and we hit em hard.....We came back to my house, she got her car, I followed her to home, she pulled in the driveway, I pulled in behind her and the law pulled in behind me. Someone had reported her 'erractic driving'. I watched her go thru the DUI road tests. I prayed I wasn't next.. I prayed she didn't go to jail - she didn't. The cops then told ME to make sure she didn't drive anymore that night, and also suggested if she had a problem, she seek some help..........We went inside, waited an hour and I drove to yet another bar! I met a guy, we danced, he bought us drink after drink. This guy was in town for the local Polo tournament and had a room in the bar's hotel.....I spent the night. I came to around 7am yesterday morning, still fully dressed, even had my shoes on (Thank you Lord), quickly grabbed my purse and headed home...........OMG! the hangover. Not the feel like you're gonna vomit kind, but the kind where your body hurts and you're so dehydrated you can barely think, and the shakes. OMG! Feels like your hearts gonna beat outta your chest......I made it home, showered, put on my PJ's, turned on the TV and layed on the couch, where I didn't move until my phone rang at 8pm. It was John. He wanted to see me. His 'excuse' - watch the DVD he'd bought for me a few weeks back....We chatted for a few minutes, I told him it probably wasn't a good idea. He reminded me he leaves for a shut down at the end of this week and won't be home till mid November & said he needed to see me.....I felt so alone and ridden with guilt at that moment, I had to go. I had to be with him. I had to rid myself of that sick feeling I had in my heart, if only for a few hours. To be with the man I love so much (and still believe loves me too), will remind me of what I'd thrown away...I still keep wondering how could he not love me? We both keep trying to end it "for good", and it never lasts.........So, I went. I called in to work and drove 50 miles............I felt such shame........But as soon as he opened the door and put his arms around me, I knew I was going to be OK. with or without him....We watched that stupid movie and I layed in his arms the whole time, I never moved. He felt so good, and familiar....We got up this morning and went to the junk yard and harvested more parts for a Challenger we've been rebuilding for over a year........It felt good. I was my 'old self' again.........Then the day slipped away and I had to come home. Work in a few hours.....That 50 mile drive home gave me time to think. It occured to me that I apparently had a death wish. No matter how long I've been sober, I knew I had one more drink in me. I knew it.......Funny thing is, I didn't even have the desire to drink when I started.....The wake up call REALLY hit me hard, then. I could have easily went to jail 2 nights ago. The reality of YET sunk in........I don't know if John and I will ever work this out or if the day will come when we will part for good. But I do know that he saved me, once again. Because I was able to be with him for just a day, I was reminded of what I want out of my life. I was reminded if I keep doing the next right thing, God will, one day, give me all the desires of my heart..........I didn't tell him I blew it. No reason for him to hurt, too.........I've been in and out of this program a couple times over a couple of years. It wasn't until tonight that I realized I have really hit bottom........With God's grace, AA, MIP and me working my ass off from here on out, I've had my last drink!
Thanks for letting me share. And I'm really sorry if I let anyone down......
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
Hey there sweetie! You didn't let anyone down except MAYBE yourself, and even then, you said that you knew you had it in you. So, congratulations for getting that over with and getting your head back in the right place. I sure would miss your presence here (As I did during your short spell away recently.)
I'm not going to say anything about what to do, heck, you probably know what's needed better than I do. Welcome home dear friend!...Tim
-- Edited by timverton at 00:05, 2007-09-25
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Oh great, now I'm going to have drunk dreams tonight. Damn girl, you took me right back. Heartache, headache, nausea, and fear. Thanks for keeping me sober. You're extremely lucky, a lot of women are turning up missing and worse. For God's sake don't wear your angels out like that. sheesh! alright welcome back, glad you're ok. Now read the second step three times and the third step twice (12&12) LOL
Your post took me right back to how it was for me when I carried on relapsing. Thankfully, it's not like that today, but who knows about tomorrow. Jen, I'm so pleased that you made it back here and shared with us all.
Take the greatest care of yourself, won't you?
(((Hugs)))
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Oh man!!!.........nothing like getting a good scare from someone else's message, and this one is powerful, Jen. I can never let my guard down......never, never, never....... You have reminded me that, even today, I am still just "one drink away from a drunk"!
But, you are doing the right thing now, my friend. Don't torture yourself, learn from the experience, pick yourself back up, and get back on the life raft with the rest of us. Here is my hand, reaching for you like all the others here, reaching to help pull you back on board.
I never think about the first drink. It's regreting all I drank and what I did when I'm hungover the next morning. For me, as true as the saying goes, "the first drink is too many, the second is never enough".
I'm an alcoholic. I can never let my guard down.
At least you know where you should be. Stick with it.
