I was 10 weeks sober last night when I instictively just grabbed the bottle and made a drink. I didn't pause to contimplate the consequences, nor did I reason or rationalize it. I just did it...and then of course immediately following, felt tremendous guilt. I just couldn't believe that it happened that quickly and with so little thought. What had I done wrong? Well I then decided to just pretend that it didn't happen at all...lying to myself and the man that I love (who always knows). Now, I am a person with not only a VERY low self-esteem, but who is experiencing severe depression (suicidal ideations), physical illnesses, financial chaos, etc. The last thing that would be helpful would be to beat myself up over my failure. I have decided to look at it for exactly what it is...a failure. I need to accept whatever consequences it may have (boyfriend leaving? finding a new place to live? destruction of our blended family and what it might do to the kids?), learn from it, and pick myself back up and try again. I have to remind myself that even if nobody else forgives me, GOD still does and loves me very much. He has much more in store for me than what the bottle does. Now, in a nut shell...I fell, so now I need to pinpoint why I fell so that I can avoid it next time. Then I am able to pick myself back up, brush myself off and hit the ground running again. (My downfall was not going to meetings due to time constraints, and failing to finish my fourth step with my sponsor.) When I shared what I was thinking and feeling about this situation with a friend, I was told that I was being incredibly selfish in thinking that way and not taking in consideration what I have done to my boyfriend and our children by taking a drink. Now, I was under the impression that the best thing to do is learn from our mistakes and try...try again. Am I right in thinking that way, or am I way off course. I can pinpoint where my failure originated. I told my friend that if I do not continue my fourth step on through the twelfth, I WILL drink again. So, I know exactly what I need to do and I intend to do it because it will destroy me and all I love if I don't. Please help me sort through this...I am wanting to learn as much as I can from this so that I don't make the same mistake twice. Thanks!
Hi chappell_im and welcome to a great site for help to stay sober any time of the day or night, between meetings, or whenever you need some fortitude (ESPECIALLY if you're thinking about drinking). My name is Tim, alcoholic. Mind if I call you chap? Okay, in my opinion, you have it right. Forgive yourself, pick yourself up by your boot straps, get to a meeting(s), and learn to LOVE YOURSELF all over again. You deserve it. And I think if alcohol was so close to you (in the home?) I'd have second thoughts about being close to it. Try to break any habitual shopping/stopping places that you've purchased it without thinking. Make it easier on yourself and do it for YOU. Start counting the days and weeks again if need be, talk honestly with your sponsor and do your fourth step, fifth step...... Be willing to accept the consequences of your choices. Good fortune to you...Tim
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"We posess the eyes through which the universe gazes with wonder upon its own majesty."
Welcome to MIP Chappell, glad to see you here. I think Tim said it spot on. You know what needs to be done. It's between you and your Higher Power. Talk to your Sponsor, and keep talking to others in AA. You aren't the first person who's slipped, believe me. Its what you do with the journey here on out. Most of all be kind to yourself. Going forward is what you do now. Be blessed, Chris
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"Never argue with an idiot... They'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience..."
Welcome to MIP. It's a super place to be and it really helps me so much. I do hope that you'll stick around.
There were so many similarities in what you have just shared and how it was for me at the beginning of my sobriety. I was about to lose so much and I didn't want to drink again. But, I would find myself picking up the bottle again.
My last drink was now over eighteen months ago. I learned from what had caused it and made sure that I was guarding myself from letting that situation happen again. Then, I just dusted myself off and started again.
You certainly have a wonderful attitude to sobriety and that will help so much. I was told that 'sitting' on my fourth step can be very dangerous and it's best to get on with it and straight into the fifth step. I know that if I hadn't been able to get all of the bad stuff off my chest then I would certainly have picked up again.
Keep going to your meetings and having daily contact with your sponsor or another recovering alcoholic. Do your fourth and fifth step and move ahead from there. Hang in there and it really will start to get better.
Please keep posting and letting us know how it goes for you, won't you?
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Don't beat yourself up that's just adding fuel to the fire, it's natural for an alcoholic to want to drink. It was a very critical time for you doing your 4th and 5th steps to "Stay Close to the program". The power of suggestion is strong, I would refrain for saying "I will drink". What I didn't see in your post was how "the bottle" was right there for you to grab, and what you intend to do about that availability in the future? Isn't that the real problem? If the bottle wasn't there and you had the urge to drink, then you would've had to make a decision to go somewhere to get one, which could've given you valuable time to pick up the phone and call someone instead of picking up.
It's that simple, we stay away from the "people, places, and things" that we associate with drinking, attend a meeting everyday, and call someone if we feel the urge to drink. Any one of those 3 could have kept you from "picking up" and probably would have. This disease is "cunning, baffling, and powerful" and it's likely that feeling sorry for yourself right now could keep you from resolving the real problem in bold above.
pardon my directness I felt like you needed to hear a solution. Welcome to the board.
thank you for sharing your slip,it reminds me of my own slips which have been many and if it wasn't for honesty like yours i could easily start romancing the drink again and throw away 18 months of the most peaceful time of my life.I wouldn't dream of advising you or any other member on how to get sober as i am simply an ex drunk who was lucky enough to hit bottom. I do believe there's only one bottom for all and it either stops us or kills us. I wish you all the best in your journey towards serenity.
