I was at work and my body temp sky-rocketed.. my blood started boiling for some stupid crap that I shouldn't have been upset about in the first place. My stress was high today. Today is day 2. I spent the majority of the day wondering why I have wasted this much of my life screwing around... drowning... I wasn't raised in a bad household. Both of my parents are still together. It pisses me off that they did so much for me... and i screwed it up. I went to private elementry and middle school. Had the chance to go to private HS and purposely failed the enterence exam because all my friends were going to public. Why was I retarted? High school came and went.. took me 5 years to graduate and dont remember a whole lot. Now I work a dead end job making less than 8.25 at 23 living with my parents. I have gone out 6 nights a week since I have been 14 hanging out with friends who are all A)getting on with their own lives or B)getting on with their own deaths... ALL BECAUSE OF ALCOHOL!!!
My BEST FRIEND since 2nd grade found out his mom had cancer in JR year of hs from drinking a 30 pack and smoking 2 packs of cigs a day for 20 years... He drank himself to the point of not eating,,, he's bout 6'2 130lbs...
i donno anymore... i mean... were all dying... this is a quality of life issue... right?
Sorry that it was a tough day for you, but just hang in there and it really will get better for you. We've all been right were you are now.
When I first put the drink down, I was beating myself up over all of the time and opportunities that I had wasted while I was drinking. Then, my sponsor explained to me that what mattered was that I was doing something about it now and not wasting any more time.
My emotions were all over the place, because I had drank so much that I had numbed every emotion that I felt with alcohol. It's normal. But, we have to be able to start living life without the anesthetizing affect of alcohol.
Try getting to an AA meeting as soon as you can. There are wonderful people there and they will be only to happy to spend time with you and talk with you. I couldn't have got and stayed sober without AA.
When I stopped drinking the quality of life improved beyond my wildest dreams. It also improved for people who were close to me and loved me. It will happen for you, too. Just hang in there.
Take care,
Carol
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
Been through alot of that myself... And the most comforting thought today is... Im not the only one. It's true.. Sometimes we feel as though we are alone in this big, messed up, screwed up, world of alcoholic blunders.... and then we come to find out the truth. No one is perfect. And especially for us alcohlics... we've ALL been through the the same blunders. The thoughts of "gosh, I must be the worst person on earth" dissapear, as we realize we are just like every other person with this disease. All our lives we felt seperated... now we are with others who are just like us. What a great thing that is. To be seperate and apart from no more. I looked around and saw that these others were not fighting their past. That they had found a way to deal with it and move on. And above that, to find real peace within themselves. It was the twelve steps that did it for them, and the program of AA. It did it for me to, and it will do it for you. It's wonderfull to know I'm not the only one that F'd up. You fit right in with the rest of us, and from here on, it's onward and upward! The secret to walking a tight rope is "dont look down". The secret to our walk is "dont look back".
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My warranty on tomorrow has run out. My guarantee on the past is void. Nothing is going my way... and I like it like that.
someguy, I don't have much time right now, got guests coming over to watch football, this is a "drive by response". Everyone of us in here and the AA program has/is experiencing what you're going thru. The realization that you're killing yourself literally and figuratively. There is no worse feeling than to think that you are screwing up you life, and it's a driving force for the disease to Make you drink to medicate the pain. That's why we learn that we have to first get away from drinking and quickly start changing our way of doing things so that we don't feel like hell and Have to drink over it.
John Bradshaw's deffinition of an alchololic... "A man who is on fire that runs into the sea and drowns"
more later, take care of yourself, eat, sleep, and get to an AA meeting
Well, Im ok today. balanced. or how ever you spell it...
I think im going to join the army after i lose a couple more pounds so BCT aint that hard. I firmly believe it will dig me out of this hole. I really need to get into shape also and could use some maturity.
Wow, are you sure? That'll probably land you an express trip to the middle east, and with a 10 month deployment, well that's a long time to think about how much you don't want to be somewhere. Not to mention the health hazzards. It'll be "new and exciting" until the first time someone gets killed. And If my memory serves me right, you were saying that seeing your friends die was getting to you. instead of basic training how about a nice 90 day stay at a treatment center?
